setting myself straight...

I guess the fact that I don’t want to put this in any type of writing is a testament to how much it affects me. I feel really badly about how I ate yesterday - Labor Day. Basically I ate well until I ate a piece of pie (which was amazing) and then I ate more off-plan food after that. Today I’m back on track. But I’m still mad at myself for yesterday.

It does absolutely NO GOOD to lament my poor choice or the fact that I faltered from my plans, yet here I am doing just that.

What I wish for myself is that I could see that even though yesterday did not go exactly to plan, it was, actually, PROGRESS. I had – *A* slice of pie. One. With a tbsp. of ice cream on the side. I didn’t have seconds. I didn’t eat pie and a brownie and a cookie. This is TRULY progressive!  I think my plan going into the bbqs – which included skipping sugar entirely – was not realistic. Perhaps “enjoy sugar only if it is a HOMEMADE DESSERT” should have been part of the plan. I now know that for next time. I can see that right now, just as I type this out. I could not see it last night. And then after I got home, down in the trenches, rather than analyze what I was doing to myself I ended up having another drink, some nuts, a square of chocolate, bites of gelato, and a slice of bread with butter before I finally put myself to bed.

This morning I got up and did my weights workout at Base, ate a healthy breakfast and packed a healthy lunch and snacks for the day.  I also planned to eat a healthy dinner, so I really am on track.  Which means there must be no more beating myself up over yesterday because I have MOVED ON and I MADE THE NEXT DECISION A GOOD ONE.

Pretty sure Frau Cutesy approves of this plan.

setting intentions - 10 weeks until GOAL

This weekend I went back to Bikram yoga. I missed the free yoga at 24hr and was determined to clear my mind... I knew there was a sale on the Bikram packages at the studio near my house, so I went and I bought a package, and of course did a class! I FORGOT how HOT and HARD that 90 minutes is! But I did it all, was happy with it for the most part, and felt great afterward.

Usually during a class I set an intention. Sunday, my intention was to reconnect myself to my goals as far as weight loss is concerned. I feel great these days, and am 99% happy with how I look. But I still have a ride to do in October that has a Big Scary Hill - it will be easier to get up if I am lighter. And I still want to really love how I look in my Munich Oktoberfest pics and my sister's wedding pics - I LIKE how I look right now for sure, I just want to... LOVE it. Thinking about those things connected me to my whys for weight loss. Intention set an intention MET.

And then I thought about my intentions some more... I have 10 sessions (9 after Sunday). There are 10 weeks until I leave for Munich. I want to be at Weight Watchers' goal weight (164) before I go. I can use this yoga class to help me get there. And so, just like that, I set my intention for 10 weeks and I will be mindful and I'm just going to do it. 

Love.Liz 

what I CAN do...

I am having a hard time these past two weeks, with everything in life, not just with losing the weight. These two work projects are sort of killing me. One is completely done and released, the other releases on Monday and I am not ready, am overwhelmed and totally should have just pushed the deadline when that guy was sick. :( But I didn't, so here it is another Saturday in July, and I'm spending it working. This is... not ok. But I am trying to make my peace with it.

The reality is, I got myself into this position and I'm really mad at myself for it - which, ok I can acknowlege it's ok to be mad at myself, but then I have been mean to myself because of it and that is NOT ok. So this is where I need to refocus and realize that I am doing the best I can, and now that I know how the end of a course creation goes, I know how I can schedule them in the future.

In the past 2 weeks, my workouts have dropped off and my calorie consumption has gone up. I don't know what I weigh this morning, but WW weight yesterday was 172.7 - UP. Remember in the last post I wrote how I said when I got 90 minutes to myself, I wanted to evaluate what I was doing? Ha. Well, I don't have 90 minutes. But I was thinking I needed to lower my calories, since I wasn't losing weight. So I did that. And then, just for funsies, I ran a report on net calories over the past 90 days on MyFitnessPal:

Well lookee there, looks like I have several days over that red line (Daily Goal) lately. No, I don't need to lower my calorie setting in MFP, I just need to stick to my plans. And in order to stick to my plans, I have to make some plans to follow, and also be sure to have the good foods on hand. That stuff has all gone out the window lately. The result? A cluttered mind (with worry over my food/exercise fall-off), my scale weight trending upward, me doing a GREAT JOB at my actual job (go, me!) but letting my health and wellness fall behind (NOT go, me - that is BOO, me.) I really like the feedback MyFitnessPal provides, I mean, I thought I'd been over a few days here and there, but this shows that I'm over that line a LOT of days. Time to get back at it.

I am going to just do what I can until Monday as far as work goes. I have two fun events tonight. I am going to take tomorrow off working and start getting my house together for real. September will be here QUICKLY. 

No more beating myself up. I really am doing the best I can. 

sweet Jesus, it's working!

Pardon my absence, the network I usually use had some kind of hiccup connecting to Blogger, so I've been away. So much has happened!

First, the scale has not moved, pretty much at all. I was 169.2 the morning of the BikeMS ride (Day 1). I am pretty sure that at the end of Day 2, I was up 6 pounds. No joke, that ride is so well supported and full of food that it's probably the ONLY time you can ride for 130+ miles and GAIN WEIGHT. :) But seriously... 

Bike MS was AWESOME. I had set a goal to be able to ride both days having a great time pedalling with my friends, covering those miles of rolling hills to Fort Collins and back "like they were nothing." Well, after 110 miles on a bike, if the last 20 are a steady uphill, it's gonna be SOMETHING. But other than that end stretch (ALL of us were miserable) I met my goal. I rode with some very strong riders and was able to keep up with them and keep a conversation going the entire time. And the CONVERSATIONS!!! I would not trade them for anything! I got closer to my husband and three of our friends on that ride. This pic is DH and I crossing the finish line on Day 1.

Some of the team members from last year returned, and one guy was shocked at how much weight I had lost. He said that my jersey was just hanging off me this year. I was happy he noticed, but I got totally tongue-tied about how to explain it or talk about it or even acknowledge it, really. I felt silly. I still don't know how best to respond in those situations. In any case, the funny thing about the jersey was that I had actually exchanged my jersey from last year for a smaller one. I thought the new jersey fit me VERY tightly, but my friend in charge of them said it fit me and was actually a little loose. So off I go in what I think is a super skin-tight top, and lo and behold someone else says it's too big! To be honest, I am totally fine with the "bagginess" and I won't be going tighter - goodness, how would I breathe?

So what else... I bought a pair of bike shorts, fancy ones, in a size Large. I wanted a pair of shorts that had a yellow band across the back hips. I walked into TriBella and lo and behold, that's how their Coeur kits were set up this year! So I splurged. I can't believe I'm in a large. 

The past couple weeks since the ride have been a blur of work, visits from friends and in-laws, getting ready for Sister's wedding in September (my dress comes in this week!) and booking a trip to Munich for Oktoberfest!!!! Yes that is right, we're going for our second international trip this year, a birthday present for ME :) :) :) I am so excited. That will happen the week before my SECOND big ride in Santa Fe. Ha, I just realized that both these rides have a focus on the food. So, back to the past couple weeks - I could be doing better, but I am doing my best - TRULY. I am tracking and planning and hitting my workouts. My trainer even cancelled on me on Tuesday this week, I went to the gym and lifted on my own. 

Overall life is good. I am tired. But it's all good. Work, while a pain, is proving to be slightly rewarding these days. I mean, here it is 11PM and I'm up finishing a project (I finished! Blogging came after!) I have two deadlines for work on Monday; I am really hoping I don't have to work this weekend to meet them. If I do, I do. As soon as I have 90 minutes to myself I will look over my tracker and see what I can do to kick the last five-ish pounds of fat to the curb. Summer is generally my best time of year for weight loss. 

Well, I just saw a mouse run around my kitchen, so that will give me nightmares I'm sure. Time to go try for some peaceful slumber anyhow. 

getting control and confidence back

Different things work for different people. For me, when I have gone wayward, here is what I do to get back on track.

1. Track my last three meals and any snacks between them, to the best of my ability. Just track it, no judgement.

2. Plan my next three meals, and go shopping for the ingredients (also shop to stock house with healthy foods - see #4 below).

3. Remove my food triggers from home/work. This means identifying which foods you have a hard time avoiding, or find yourself eating too much of when they are present. I really can't have sliced bread, cookies, candy, cereals, pretzels, chips, raisins/dried fruit, or anything like that around. Typically, I don't buy these things, and DH knows that if he wants it, he'll have to keep it and eat it outside our house. If I do end up with it in the house, I offload it as quickly as I can by asking DH to take it to work, take it to work myself and drop it in the break room for others, take it to a firehouse, food shelter, etc. At work, if there is a candy dish I am unable to avoid or resist, I chew cinnamon or mint gum and put a bag of cuties/halos (those little tangerines) next to it.

4. Stock my house with healthy foods. Here are my go-tos:

• nuts - single serve packs are best, but I'm ok having a big bag, too
• string cheese and mini babybels
• veggies (cut and prep when you bring them in)
•    - cucumbers
•    - celery
•    - baby carrots
•    - bell peppers
• olives
• individual Wholly Guacamole packets
• beef jerky in single-serving packets
• watermelon
• bananas
• eggs
• raw spinach / salad greens
• greek yogurt
• berries
• frozen veggie burgers, turkey burgers, salmon burgers
• frozen broccoli
• frozen chicken breast, cooked (Tyson makes some, or you can make your own - cook it up one day, chop it and freeze for later use or to add to veggie stir-fry, soups, salads, etc.)

5. Make time to plan/work on a weight loss action plan. This is different for everyone.

• I attend Weight Watchers meetings regularly - I get food ideas, talk through things with others who understand, share what has worked, etc. That may not be for you - but I like the interaction. 1/2 hour per week.
• I also create some structured environment for planning my actions for the next week. I set aside 1/2 hour per week (usually right after my WW meeting) to plan out how the upcoming week will look; I loosely write down plans for exercise (AM Weights, PM walk dog, etc.) and what meals might look like. Note any social events or work lunches, things that could trip me up... this really helps, and it also provides grocery store shopping guidelines! This takes me about 1/2 hour per week to do, including making the shopping list. 
• Finally, each night before I go to bed, I take about 10 minutes to plan out my next day's food in my tracker (I have been using myfitnesspal.com). I generally stick to the plan, but if a friend asks me to meet for dinner, I go, and do my best to order something close to what I had planned. 

So I'm pretty much dedicating two hours per week, total, to planning. This is time WELL spent.

6. Follow your plan. If you are having a hard time following it, no mental flogging!! Be kind to yourself as you explore the reasons behind your deviation. Do not say anything to yourself that you would not say to a friend. And if you start realizing you are beating yourself up, gently remind yourself to be nice, and move forward by making the next decision a good one. Adjust your plan, and move on.

And that's it. The first step is the hardest, but then, once you get momentum it's easy to keep it going.

distinct change - 169.8

So when I stared the N2F plans laid out for me, I pretty much dropped 5 pounds without thinking about it. I have basically stalled out there, as far as the scale is concerned. I will own that I consumed a LOT more alcohol in the ATL over Memorial Day weekend, so that definitely had something to do with it. But lately I am realizing that my clothes are all getting loose and I look really frumpy in them. My body makeup is definitely changing, whether or not the number on the scale is.

Here are a few recent highlights:

• I spent an afternoon with some foodie friends, and we went to lunch at a great little pizza place. I didn't order pizza for myself. I had a large salad, and a bite of their pizza. And it was awesome.
• This past weekend DH and I rode up Lookout Mountain, a 2100 foot climb, and went to the pancake breakfast fundraiser at the fire station on top of the mountain. I had two pancakes of the three I was given, the third went to DH.
• I went to a bbq and did not eat all of the things. I DID have a delicious root beer float - it was glorious and I thoroughly enjoyed it. And I moved on.
• I got several "Oh my GOD! You look AMAZING!" compliments and questions about what I was doing. I even said it to myself one morning, looking in the mirror. :)
• My new black work pants from Ann Taylor Loft are kind of big in the waist. I really like these pants and they weren't exactly cheap... so... I will probably need to alter them. I realize this is a good problem to have!
• I went shopping in this adorable clothing boutique. I bought myself $200 worth of new clothes to go with my new body. I haven't spent a lot of money on clothes lately, other than those AT pants, so this felt oddly special. 💖💖💖

So that's how it's going. I am on my bike a lot more. I am sticking to my recommended calories and macros, regardless of how much time I spend on the bike. I still feel great. I still look great. I LOVE the "OMG you look amazing!" comments. Seriously - I can't wait to get more of them in July when I go see friends and family in Florida. But the best part is, for maybe the first time ever, I really feel like I look amazing. I feel amazing. I am happy. I am healthy. I thank God.

it's a new month

So I didn't make it to WW goal weight last month. That's OK, it will happen. Would love to be down 5 pounds before June 24 so that I don't have to carry that with me on my big BikeMS ride... so, working at making that happen. I did drop 2.2 pounds in May, I'll take it! :)

I am really loving the whole "eat more fat and less sugar/carby things" approach to weight loss. I am not hungry. It is not difficult. I still eat sugar and carby things, but a lot less of them. I don't feel deprived. I don't feel hungry - pretty much ever. It's nice. I'll take it. I also look great - skin is great, body composition is coming around. I see it working, even if the scale is not moving quickly, my clothes fit better.

And that's all I have for now. I am just going to keep on keepin' on. Bought another round of training sessions because, well, I need them. They help me stay on track, and I really do need to do this for me. :)

wanting to change - 170.6

One of the things I really liked about Weight Watchers was the whole "you can still eat what you love and lose weight!" part of it. This is still part of their program today. But you realize as you get further down the road that you can't eat that stuff all the time. And maybe some of it, you can't ever eat because it's the "gateway" food that just has you eating whatever you want after you eat it.

Earlier in my weight loss, this looming change was crippling and some days, it still is. I don't want to live in a world where I can't eat pizza or tacos every day! Does Weight Watchers let you eat those things every day? Yes. Will you be successful if you do that? Yes... but you will also be hungry. And weight loss will feel really, really hard because you are planning around these things that suck up all your points/calories for the day. Your pizza and tacos habit becomes a headache. You want them, but you don't want to be hungry or do the tracking gymnastics to get everything to line up in a way you'll still lose weight.

So you have three choices:
1) Give up and eat the pizza and tacos and don't worry about it, but also don't lose weight.
2) Go on as you have been doing and figure out how to work it in, but stay a little bit hangry every day you try to have these things. You'll still succeed at losing fat, but it will feel like hard work.
3) Change your approach and have more success losing fat.

For the past ten years, I lived in the land of option 2. I would eat Mexican once a week and pizza at least every other day. I was able to lose weight like this, I fit it in and I worked my plan. But. My losses were slow or stagnant. And I was hungry a lot because I was trying to fit those things in - it was really hard to do. But cutting them out (or back) was not an option I was willing to consider.

And then one day I was talking to a man at my gym about my pizza habit, and he was like "you eat pizza all the time? So unfair!" and I realized that while I did manage my portions, maybe if I backed off on the number of times I ate it, I'd be a little happier overall. And I could still have pizza... would it be so bad if I didn't have it as often? And so just like that I decided to try to I give up the frequency of eating pizza. At first it was kind of hard to do. But then I realized I really liked everything else I was eating - maybe not as much as pizza, but it was still really really good. And then I saw the nutritionist, and I was pretty happy about what I was *already doing* and she confirmed I was making good choices. And so I just kept on going without the daily pizza. I changed!

I still eat pizza once a week - tonight is actually pizza night. As I was planning out exactly the amount of pizza I want to have, I started getting stressed about the rest of the day. And then I realized... I can have less pizza and be less hungry all day and still hit my macros and my calories with no problem. So chill out, already! (And that's another change!) Change doesn't happen overnight and it is a little tough to manage at first, but you figure it out and it's really not so bad. As for Mexican, I now have that a lot more rarely - I really am not very good at controlling myself with the chips. Or any of it (why is it so so sooooo tasty?!?!?) But I don't exactly miss it. And if I really, really want it, I will plan out how to work it in. But again, the frequency is a lot lower - hey lookie there, once again, I CHANGED.

To get different results, we can't just wish it so... we have to do something about it. We have to do what we can to change the things we don't like. I don't like being a heavy bicyclist. I don't like looking like the biggest person in the room, or in the pictures. I also don't like a world without tacos and pizza... but I can change how often I have them. So I did. And when you are ready, you will, too. :)

Mother's Day - 168.8

I was 168.8 on Thursday morning. I am eating MORE food... and lost 2.6 pounds according to WW last week. I love everything I am eating.

Here is what I wrote to Kirsten about it last week:

So after the first week, the scale says I am down almost 3 pounds (!!!) my skin looks extra fantastic and I still feel great. I did have chips and margaritas on Cinco de Mayo... and it was glorious.

Otherwise, I've been pretty well nailing the 1500 calories and the ratios. This is a stressful week with a work project and family in town but overall I feel great, and the food part isn't an issue.

By the way, I LOVE everything I eat. Lots more veggies and avocados, adding seeds to my fruit and greek yogurt at breakfast, using zoodles and spaghetti squash instead of pasta. Patrick loves everything, too! 

So, so far so good. Thank you so much. :)  Have a wonderful weekend and a happy Mother's Day!

-Liz

PS not that the number on the scale matters but I was only ever 168 pounds for ONE WEEK in my adult life... the week I got married, six years ago... so this is amazing. And I'm eating more food, and feel a lot better overall now than I did then, I am SURE of it!

The funny thing is, I found a journal after I wrote this. I was so obsessed about THE NUMBER for so long. And I was measuring my worth by what the scale said. It made me sad to read, but also very grateful that I hold myself in much higher regard today. :)

My mom came out for Mother's Day. It was the best Mother's Day I have had. And she said it was the best she had, too. It's a weird day. I can appreciate it's a day for all the moms out there. It's sad for those who aren't moms but wanted to be, or who lost a child or their mom, or are navigating difficult relationships with their kids or their moms. For me, I am grateful I have my mother and was able to spend the day with her. What a gift for both of us!

I was a little off track for the weekend but it all worked out, I think. I still feel good. Spin class was cancelled last night so I erged instead and I am planning to leave work early to get a bike ride in this evening before dinner. I am doing the work. It is paying off.

getting here, and 171.4

Went to the Thursday Morning WW meeting and was happy to see I am down another .6 pounds. Slow progress is progress! The receptionist (I love her) said "you are really close to goal now." I am. I am still operating under the assumption that It's Gonna Be May :)

Yesterday I went for a consult with a nutritionist. I saw her speak at an event a few years ago - what she said back then was quite compelling and I actually changed some of my eating habits as a result. For example, she was an advocate of eating more fat, such as sautéing veggies and eggs in real butter, use full-fat dairy, etc. And in general, eat whole, real food. These were easy changes for me to make. Higher fat is NOT Weight Watchers friendly... so that is probably around the time I started tracking calories rather than points.

In any case, over the past decade, I have made quite a few changes to how I eat. It has been a long process but the result today is there is less sugar, less alcohol, less pizza, less processed food, more fat, more vegetables, more whole (real) foods in my daily diet. My 27 year old self would never believe that I eat the way I do, and that *I like it* - liking it is the key!

So at this point in my journey, I felt ready to talk to this woman one-on-one about what I'm eating and when I should be eating it, based on my goal to lose fat and properly support my activity levels. I gave her a week's worth of food and workout logs, including the day our friends moved and my lunch was wine and doughnuts. I gave her my most recent lab results. And we met to discuss it all yesterday.

Her conclusion is that I'm making good food choices overall. Yay, me! I knew this, but it's nice to hear someone else recognize it. Her whole premise is to get the body to be trained to use fat as fuel. She gave me a lot of info about how the body works and how it best burns fat. And then she gave me some guidelines to get this going in my body. This involves more of a focus on macronutrients, or macros - carbs, fat and protein. Her goal for me is to for my calories to be made up of 30% carbs, 50% fat and 20% protein. I am currently right on with the protein, but she wants me to shift some of my carb calories to fat calories. She gave me a lot of great ideas, the ones that stand out were:

- Use a whole tbsp. of butter or olive oil at a time
- Up the veggies. Have three vegetables with breakfast, if you can.
- Breakfast should be 2 eggs, not just one.
- Use spiral veggie noodles instead of pasta.
- Add cheese and avocados to salads
- For snacks, you want the same amount of fat and carbs, grams wise. (I think that was it).
- Nuts are great snacks. Beef jerky is, too, as long as the sugar content is on the low side.
- Cauliflower pizza
- Use almond meal or flax seeds instead of bread crumbs
- Recipes for coco seedy bread, a nut/seed mix as a substitute for granola, some coconut bars that are high-fat
- Carb intake should come from veggies and fruits, generally. Sweet potatoes, potatoes and winter squashes are starchy veggies and good carb sources.

Some of those things I know, I just don't do, others are a surprise.

She also wants me to try to eat 1500 calories a day right now and not worry about the workout calories. OK. This makes me nervous... but OK, I will try it.

My overall impression was that these are changes I can definitely live with. And perhaps these are expensive changes... but then, being in a healthy body is truly priceless. I have to actively plan my meals and be a little bit obsessed with tracking for a while until I get the hang of it. I will be learning about macros, I have never concentrated on them before. I am pretty excited to see what happens, here. Oh, and I'm still doing chips and margaritas on Cinco de Mayo. Because, well, life. :)

It's gonna be MAY!

I want to set the tone for this month... I lost almost six pounds in March. I lost another 0.4 pounds in April - which, though small, proves that I can keep the weight off and that I can continue losing weight. So, I'm inspired to work for the same success in MAY that I had in March. And if that happens, guess what? I'm at WW goal weight. Six pounds  and AT WW GOAL WEIGHT - when will that happen? It's gonna be MAY!

OK so jokes aside, clearly April was difficult for me. But I hung in there. I did it. I didn't get as far as I wanted, but I still got down.  But it was hard. It still is hard. Last night I wanted to eat everything. EVERYTHING! But I really am trying to focus on shifting behavior - it's not an easy process. For example, I planned in a cookie, as long as I mowed the lawn. Well, DH was out there mowing the lawn when I got home. So I took the dog on a long walk, which still didn't cover the calories for the cookie, and I was really hungry after eating dinner. I wanted the cookie. I had some peanut butter and a slice of bread (not planned). And then I had the cookie. And it was delicious, but I was MAD the whole time, because I was so over my calories.

And then I realized, that is not how I want to live. I really should have pushed off the cookie to today, after spin. Or I can say I'm borrowing the calories from Spin Day. Something. This is where I'm learning what to do, how to handle things. It's the example that is happening in real life. Some day I hope to just go "no, I don't want that" and really mean that - really, not want it! But for now I have to pretend. And it's hard to pretend you don't want something that you really DO want.

What I can say is, I DO want my six pounds to be gone by the end of May. I can sing NSync songs all day to get there. Ha, perhaps I need to include that stuff into my rotation on Pandora! So with that... it's gonna gonna gonna GONNA.... IT'S GONNA BE MAY!

Coaching Liz - 174.0

I had an interesting revelation during my bike ride this weekend. I need to believe in me, for real. I need to coach myself through the finish line, here. I think I am the only person who, up until this weekend, didn't believe I could get to where I want to go. I told myself that was cr@p thinking and that it is time I changed my mindset. Here's what came from the planning session I had for myself while on my ride:

• Set up a consult with Kirsten to talk nutrition. (sent her an email)
• Get back to 3x cardio per week. (This week that looks like a Tuesday night spin, Wednesday night run, Friday afternoon barre class)
• Get the MOST out of my training sessions - so that means, arrive 15 minutes early to warm up and stretch. Tell Brian I need to work hard. Give him feedback on the last workout.
• Stretch more.

And just like that, I am now Coaching Liz and I will get her/myself to the finish line. I can do this, and I will.

Case in point: I just got back from lunch with my work friends. We like to go to this pizza place that has lunch specials - salad and a slice, or two slices. I usually alternate between the salad/slice special or a side salad with a side of meatballs. Before we got there I was planning on the salad/slice special but then thought about my food intake today and decided to go the healthier meatball/salad route. When I went to order, they were out of meatballs. I was crushed... my healthier option was not an option! At this point, I really didn't want the slice. I almost ordered it, but then decided to just get a bigger salad instead, no slice. Go, me!!

Well when they brought out my salad and also a free brownie for the inconvenience - and I passed that tasty treat right along to my coworker. Again, GO, ME!!

My lunch was really delicious and I'm not hungry at all!  I am so proud of myself! **WINNING!!!!**

yesterday's train wreck, and rejoicing

I got home from work yesterday and immediately ate Easter candy. A lot of it. Then I had bites of leftovers, which were equivalent to a whole dinner's worth of calories. And then I went out for pizza with DH. And then we came home and ate key lime pie.

The good:
1) DH and I agreed before we got to the restaurant that we'd only eat one bread stick each. I wanted to eat more, but I stuck to just the one.
2) I knew I was on a binge. (I hate even writing that out.) I pretty much identified my trigger (messy house / no time alone with DH / feel like a bad sister/friend).
3) I tracked it all.
4) Today is planned out.
5) Read connect and saw from Father John that while it is hard to get on track, we should stop and rejoice in all we have accomplished, and we will turn it around.

So. The funny thing is, I didn't want to stop myself. I wanted to just... let it happen. I actively chose to drive the train off the track. And this is kind of weird, but even now, I don't feel badly about it. Like, there's no shame or regret. It was all delicious food, and I enjoyed every bite. And I just don't feel like beating myself up about days like that any more. Of course I don't want to make that a habit, and two days in a row could easily become three.

But really - let's rejoice for a moment. And let's think about what I have accomplished.

I used to be 212 pounds (before I stopped stepping on the scale). I was probably at 225 pounds when I moved to Colorado to end my stretch of unemployment in the Rockies that winter. I lived with a friend who had lost a lot of weight on Weight watchers. She showed me the ropes.

When I moved to Atlanta, I tried to keep up what I had been doing with the roomie. I decided to spend the money and actually join Weight Watchers - their scale said I was 208.2 pounds. I lost thirty pounds over the next six months.

I hired a personal trainer and started changing the composition of my body.

I met a friend who introduced me to real weight training - I lost inches. I think I was 180 pounds when I was wearing that teeny black bikini on South Beach for her bachelorette party. I had really great abs!

I stayed right around the 175-180 pound mark. Then my dad died. I cut my hair short and went to Paris for work, and hated how I looked in this photo of me wearing this pair of gray pants. I still have those pants, they are very loose on me now. And how I looked had more to do with my grief than my body shape.

I moved to Colorado to be with a guy who loved me, but not himself. We were doomed and I knew it. I gained weight, about 15 pounds. I had a stressful job, I was trying to make new friends, my roommates drank all the time and were not nice drunks. So I joined the triathlon club and went back to WW meetings. The weight came back off and I met a way better guy who loved me just as I was. More weight came off.

We got married, and for a very brief moment surrounding our wedding I was down to 168, but I went back to 177ish - I spent most of the past 10 years somewhere in the five pounds between 177-182. Last summer, I got down to 174 and for the most part during the past six months I have managed stay under 175. My last weigh in I was 172.

The number is just a number. I probably look better now than I ever have, including on my wedding day. I am smaller, based on how my clothes fit. I think that is really part of the stress - I need all new clothes. It's crazy.  But yes, from 208.2 to 172.0... that is 36.2 - thirty-six point two - pounds. That's a lot! And I look really amazing, I am happy with myself. I am proud that I have kept the weight off for so long. I am excited about how keeping myself lighter allows me to RUN again, after a knee injury!

I look forward to losing the last of the weight so I can be even faster and lighter on bike rides, runs, hikes, whatever I want to do. I love looking like a normal person in photos. I'm really grateful I did this for me. This body has done a good job transporting me for the past 40 years. I want to keep it in the best condition I possibly can so I can enjoy the NEXT 40 years. Truly, my body has taken great care of me and done great things for me, now I want to return the favor!

So yes, I will rejoice and be glad. This is the day and the body that the Lord has made, I truly am rejoicing in it and am so glad, so very, VERY happy that I am able to enjoy it. Today I intentionally wore my work pants that I can take off without undoing the zipper or buttons. I am grateful that Father John said we should rejoice in what we have accomplished - doing so really does turn things around.

I had a really bizarre dream the other night about going up a very big, steep hill. It was along the road my friend and I were walking, and it was almost straight up. The road until then had been pretty flat up until then with a few little ups and downs but this hill was just a big WALL in front of us. We did it, though. Up top I turned to look back over the edge and I busted out laughing at my friend. I said "Oh my God, I would NEVER turn around and go back down this! It must be just a one-way, there is no way you can go down, it's like falling off a cliff!" And we kept on walking.

So I looked the dream up and apparently it means I have a big challenge in front of me (represented by the hill) which I am able to conquer (because I did get to the top of it). Of course I immediately thought it was weight-loss related and that my hill was the last 8 pounds I have left to lose before I get to goal and be a free member at WW... these pounds certainly are a CHALLENGE. But I really DO have everything I need to do it - the dream interpretation also said that I have everything at hand to be able to complete the challenge. So basically now it is JUST DO IT.

Easter was this weekend. We did a lot. Workouts, skiing, beignets, candy, cooked Easter dinner, drank, had fun. I ate whatever I wanted all Easter Sunday, including LOTS of sugar. LOTS of calories. And today so far I am back on the wagon. Had a weights workout, planned my food for the day, getting it done. The hill IS steep. But I can do it and I will, one decision/step
at a time.

sh!t happens... 167.2

I went to a bbq on Saturday and ate A LOT of food - like, waaaaaaaaaay overate. I was pretty irritated with myself but then, well, first bbq of the season, I'm not prepared, it happens, right? Learn from it and move on. Of course I was super uncomfortable for the rest of the day. We went to the baseball game and it was good that I walked a lot because man, I felt terribly.

By Sunday morning I didn't feel much better, but at least my digestive track was moving pretty well to get it all through. And then maybe it was moving a little too well... and then all of a sudden that afternoon everything started coming out the back end - and it just kept on coming! It went on for a good 8 hours. I don't ever remember having *that much* gastric distress. Clearly it was more than just a response to overeating the day before; my body was definitely trying to rid itself of something. We had to cancel dinner that Sunday night for obvious reasons. I sent my friend a toilet emoji, she was like "S*** happens!" It does, indeed.

Now it is lunchtime on Tuesday and I'm still not normal. These past two days I have eaten chicken broth, a banana, some shredded wheat and wonton soup (maybe not the best choice there with the wonton soup, also some chinese fried noodles - just say no to that stuff when things aren't right in the innards!) I still felt badly last night, and had a terrible headache from no caffeine so DH made me some green tea which did help. I had some with my shredded wheat this morning, and at work I got a bottle of coke, I'll drink half of it today. Things are starting to solidify, slowly... but man, what a cr@ppy way to spend the weekend. Literally.

Anyhow, I'm down to 167 - four pounds, that's kinda nuts. I'm definitely dehydrated and undernourished, so I don't want to stay that low right now, but it is really amusing that you can lose so much weight so quickly! I am always surprised at how much stuff is actually in my intestines. I mean, it all came out... and then some. It's amazing that your body has this response to some things, too - seriously, it's like all of a sudden something in there pulls the "EVACUATE! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, EVERYBODY OUT!" alarm in there and bam, out it all goes. Of course, it takes at least 8 hours to do so, then the next couple days to clean up any stragglers - gross. I'm happy I'm on the mend now.

So yeah, lost four pounds with one intestinal bout, so now I really am just one stomach flu away from my goal weight! Definitely NOT the way I want to lose the last few pounds. YIKES.

Happy Tuesday, friends.

finding the why and just one pound - 171.4

This little graphic shows what happens when you have a solid REASON for losing weight. I stole my "why" from someone else... a substitute WW leader! She said that her "why" is 'to be the best cyclist she could possibly be.' And my thought was I want to be the same thing! And if I were LIGHTER I'd be BETTER! Et voila, my why. In any case, that was the beginning of March, and oooh lookee what happened there! -5.4 pounds on the WW scale. Go, me.

I am currently nine pounds from goal. I think it will take a lot of hard work to get there. I am going to do the work to get halfway there this month, but I really don't want to focus on all nine pounds. I want to focus on just the next pound. On Friday I was 173 on the WW scale. I am focusing on 172 this week. That's it. Planning, sticking to the plan, tracking and working out as needed to get rid of just. one. pound.

So in other news... I am in excellent ski shape, we went last weekend and it was beautiful and really easy for my legs to carry me down. I think that's partly because I am LIGHTER than I was last year, and also stronger thanks to the BASE workouts I have been doing. Our house is getting back to normal, it's almost done, I just need to put everything away, now. It will be really, really nice to enjoy it this summer. I would like to put in a pergola... but I digress. We really did a lot of work this weekend painting, moved things around, etc. Knocked myself out pretty well.

Work is... on the up. I got my boss to agree to my PMP certification where the company will pay, but I still need to buy/use vacation to attend the course. Works for me. Terrible project ended, fun projects coming up. So... for now, it's OK. I have little motivation, though. I am not sure what to do about that. I go to the office and just want to eat all the things. I don't do that, of course, but I want to. But that will not get me to my just one pound and being the best cyclist I can be, now, will it? I think I'm mad at work taking over life. Like, I really want to go to Moab instead of go see this training thing. It directly interferes with how I want my life to look. However, I really want to be able to fund my adventures, so perhaps it's not so bad.

Happy Snowy Tuesday in April, everyone.

charts and graphs and ergs oh my - 171.2

So, keeping with the theme of numbers, and the fact I am at a one+ year low on my bathroom scale... I am posting this chart to remind my future self what actual work and actual weight loss looks like. This is a one-month period, and I have gone from 177.2 to 171.2 - which is 1.5 pounds per week on average. Check out those fluctuations, though! Just keep that in mind.

March is a hard month for me. I wrote this on another blog the other night:

I forget how hard March is for me. Mentally, that is. It's the anniversary of my dad's death. He basically dropped on my mom's birthday, was in ICU for 7 days then another 5 after we pulled him off life support. So this is a trying 2-week period. I'm smack in the middle of it, and being that it has been 10 years there are a LOT of FEELS going on. I am uncomfortable. But the feelings will pass. I'm trying to consciously FEEL them.

[...]

In any case. I didn't drink the wine. I thoroughly enjoyed the show through my tears and even laughed a lot. I got home and didn't make a drink or have peanut butter or anything - just stuck to my plan because I want to be a lighter bicyclist and ride up to Ft. Collins like IT IS NOTHING come the end of June. I'm happy with my choice. I'm sad about my dad, but as the guy on stage last night said... "Life is for the living." I am happy I'm out experiencing it.

And two days after originally writing that, well, the feelings are passing. It's hard, but I'm happy to be here experiencing life. And then funny things happen, like randomly this morning, the radio DJ on an alternative station said "Today is Roger Whittaker's birthday!" and then was joking about how your parents may have forced you to listen to him. Dad LOVED that guy. He does have a lovely voice. Kind of nice after Monday, and yesterday, being so tough. Today is better. The emotions DID pass. I don't want to eat all the things or drink all the alcohol, and I didn't the past 2 days. My want to be the best bicyclist I can be at the end of June trumped that. This is a win - a real win - not using food or alcohol to cope. Just let it be, and let it pass - it *will* pass.

Other things of note: a pretty relative stranger said to me "I don't want to say you are oversensitive, but you are very hard on yourself, and it may be getting in your way. Don't overthink it." INTERESTING. This is something a lot of people have told me, related to various areas of my life. I know it is true, and I feel like I have been working on it, but clearly it is still something that affects me. I can work on that a little more.

And, lastly - this morning I pulled a 2K in 8:42.3. Just to see. Next time I'm going for under 8:40.9...

Happy Wednesday, everyone - we're halfway to the weekend!

numbers - 172.8 / 175.2

The other day someone posted on Connect that they didn't like the mental beating they gave themselves when the number on the scale went up. I think I'm suffering from the same.

Bathroom scale said 172.8 in my pjs this morning. WW scale said 175.2 in jeans. Bath scale is down... WW scale is up... I still feel badly. I want the WW number to go down. I am not sure what to do about the feeling. But perhaps I am getting too involved in the numbers. I did go well over calories twice this past week, and ate peanut butter (unmeasured) the last few nights. So I know why the scale is where it is... and if I am really serious about losing weight to be a better biker, I need to GET SERIOUS about it and make changes.

Speaking of CHANGE... another thing I read on Connect - there is a woman who gets up every day at 5AM and spends an hour in the gym, she calls it "MY hour." She does a combo of cardio and weights, and she does it six days a week. I am considering this. My friend in Atlanta does the same thing. It's kind of what you have to do, if that's really what you want. I like how I look - I want to LOVE how I look.

Also speaking of things I have never done... today is St. Patrick's Day and the girls at work want to go out for Mexican lunch. I have planned to eat the chips and a bean tostada - I'll maybe add a side salad, maybe not.

Happy Friday St. Patrick's Day, all!

---

After scrolling through my recent posts, I realize that both the bathroom and WW scale are up. I DO need to make changes. Real change... looks like MY HOUR will be a real thing starting tomorrow!

peanut butter bread, wine, and spirals - 173.2

Good morning, after a not-so-great night. Again, I want to put this out here so that I don't forget how hard this whole weight loss thing actually is. Because it's mental. And making lasting psychological change is not something that happens overnight.

Yesterday started out OK. My current workload is HEAVY. I have a big deadline this week for a multi-month project. I've been managing it, but my current manager gets in the way, and then blames everyone except himself for any issues. The guy stresses me (and everyone) out, and he did a really good job of that yesterday. In addition to his antics, I had to stay at the office late to wrap up this project, so I missed my spin class - gah! No workout!!

DH and I were trying to figure out what to do as I drove home. I was angry at boss for being absent for this project, then way too involved at the end. I was angry at myself for sticking with this stupid job that I hate doing. I was angry I missed spin. I really wanted to drink a glass of wine, but I did not have the calories unless I worked out. And I really didn't feel like working out. But I could go for a run, even a short one. I voiced all of this to DH and we decided we'll figure it out once I'm actually home.

So I get home and DH says "let's just make dinner and walk the dog." I think DH was trying to help me - he knows that when I am stressed and also tired, exercising does not help, it just further exhausts me. He is not wrong. I agreed to his plan. We ate the planned dinner, and I had my glass of wine on top of it which put me over the calories. Fine. Moving on. But then as we were eating, I said aloud that "I really wish it were not Lent, because I really want some chocolate."

I did not eat any chocolate. We clean up from dinner, walk the dog and come back. I start to vent to DH again about being sad about my dad, being stressed with work, and DH walks out of the room. JUST DISAPPEARS in the middle of my sentence. This is not uncommon for him. One of our major issues is that he doesn't listen to me when I'm talking. Granted, I talk A LOT. And I am sure I had already said everything I was saying, but I got really upset that he left as I was, well, pouring my heart out to him.

So. I left the TV room and went into the bedroom. I scrolled FaceBook and Connect. I tried to not be too bothered because, well, that's what DH does. And then I realized, he should know that he did it. I mean, how can he fix it if he's not even aware he's doing it, right? So, I went to the kitchen and told him. I was abrupt about it, just said I was having an important conversation and he just up and left in the middle of it.

He said he was sorry. He had left to make me some decaf, he'd said we should have that instead of chocolate. So, it's not like I wasn't on his mind or he, you know, doesn't love me... he just doesn't pay attention to me, and I need attention. I left the kitchen and went back to the bedroom and tried not to let my thoughts spiral.

He brought the coffee to me. He apologized again and thanked me for telling him, and that he'd try focusing again on changing this behavior. I explained I knew it was just something he did... and actually felt pretty good about not letting my thoughts spiral! I felt better. And then I went into the kitchen and got some bread. And some peanut butter. And started eating it. He came stomping in, and I asked what he was doing? He was grinning as he said it was his "quiet loud walk - I didn't want to interrupt any chocolate parties." And then he joined my peanut-butter-bread party.

So I was already over calories, and I went a little more over, and I feel badly about doing that but tried not to let THAT spiral too badly, either. I decided on taking the UPWARD spiral. I worked out this morning, had a healthy breakfast and lunch, got all my work done. I feel pretty good. It's OK to spiral, but you have to catch yourself and go the right way as quickly as you can... which is what I did. It really is BABY STEPS, folks!

Happy Wednesday...

scary stuff - 171.8 (my scale)

So I started thinking about the fact that I have never gotten to my goal. I have never lost the last 10 pounds. I get to about where I am right now and can't break through. So I turned to my favorite source of inspiration these days, the interwebs, and searched for things related to change and getting to the next level.

Anyhow I found this quote in the photo here. And I thought about it and promptly started freaking out. I mean, there it is! I have never gotten to goal, so I will have to do things I have never done! I will have to *work harder* than I have been. I will have to *eat less* than I have been. I will have to *move more* than I have been. How the hell am I going to do that when I can barely manage what I am doing right now? I mean, stop snacks? Cut carbs? Black coffee? No alcohol? Cardio every day - I don't WANT cardio every day!

So I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to change what I was doing - a life without my current routine and some tacos and pizza here and there was not a life I wanted.

But. I did want to lose more weight, so I can be a better bicyclist. And I'd love it if I didn't see that extra layer of fat around my middle when I look in the mirror. I have the fat to lose. I'm not super lean. But if I *really* want that, what am I going to change to get it? Do I really have to give up pizza? Thinking about it gave me another mini heart attack.

And then while driving home from work, I got sad about losing my dad and how my fairy godmother's health is bad, too. I don't want her to go yet - I'm so far away from her. And then my car blew up on the side of the road. And yet, I was able to get it to the dealership and meet DH for our annual triathlon club kick off meeting, where I turned down my friend's offer to buy me a glass of wine. And, I didn't eat all the things. I made a plate with mostly healthy stuff and had a bite of DH's guac, with one chip. I didn't eat any sugar (no sugar during lent, but still, no sugar). I went home, completely freaked out about car, races, life, loved ones dying, etc, and made some herbal tea. I didn't eat any peanut butter, or cheese, or ANYTHING. I just drank my tea, acknowledged I was completely freaked out and let it be.

So here I am today - the day after I DID the things I was so dreading and saying I didn't want to do in my quest to get to goal of a being a better biker. Don't think... just do... and repeat. One step, one meal, one day at a time. The only thing I have to focus on is the next decision. I did that last night. I will keep doing it, and these things I've never done, so that I get that GOAL thing I've never had.

looking for the flowers - 177.2

Or in this case, the beautiful view on my ride to and from the job site this week. The whole flight was one long sweeping vista just like this, and I was lucky to witness it.

So after my last post the universe kept going toward MORE chaos. I got a call from my aunt that night. She was worried about my mom and asking me to do something about it - this was the day after my Grandma called to say the same. I am so far from my mom and I really am sorry I'm not closer to her where I can easily jump in to help. But I called my mom and we talked and she's ok - good, even! I offered to fly her out here for Mother's Day so that she has something to look forward to in the near future. I really hope she comes!

And then things started to settle. The plumbing problem got fixed. I chipped away at my work projects. I worked out and ate as I planned. And then yesterday I got *a lot* done for work. I feel better about the project, but still concerned. I'm basically just doing as I am told. It will be ok.

Work held a barbecue at lunch one day this week - I am still fairly mindless when it comes to barbecues. Like, I just forget about goals entirely and fill up my plate. I would like to work on being conscious and pausing before I do that.

Lent began on Wednesday, I am sugar free until Easter. I reach for sugar often, so it's actually a nice reminder how blessed I am and to consider that so many people do not even have a sugary thing to eat, if they wished - I can sacrifice for forty days.

This morning I went to my WW meeting up by the office. I did stick to my goals all week (despite the bbq fluke) and lost 1.2 pounds. Was it easy? Not really, but keeping my WHY in the forefront of my mind did help.

Sister comes this weekend, and DH and I are planning to get our first ski day in. I am EXCITED! I also think that tonight we should go dancing - seems like a much better way of burning calories than spending time on the erg. :)

Bottom line for this week: someone once said "If you're standing in a field, you can look for the weeds and bugs, or you can look for the flowers, it's up to you what you see." This week I have been actively looking for the flowers. That shift is helping many areas of my life.

Happy Friday!

utter chaos

This too shall pass. Work projects have blown up. Plumbing problem, finish construction project, sign up for BikeMS, bills, family stress, husband stress, trying to lose weight in the middle of it all. Deep breaths. I'm just writing it all down here quickly to make my plan of attack.

House - almost done. Need to order shelves and schedule Jim to finish. So close. You have a lot of work to do, but honestly there is NO RUSH to get it done. Maybe call Vivax the week of March 20 to get a quote for painting upstairs. So, after you call Jim today, just leave it alone until then.

Work - Gearboxes Module 2 will be 75% complete this week, leaving us all next week for Module 3. Second Oracle Overtime video project... tbd how that will go, but talking with Kathy on Thursday about it. Also need to put together info for PMP certification. Will do that Friday 3/3.

Bills - currently paid. Stop stressing. You don't need to spend any money this week. Just don't, other than ordering shelves for bath.

Mom - nothing you can do, honestly, but call her at night.

Husband - you had the chat about "shutting it down" and how you are sorry, stop worrying about it. You're going to spin together tonight and having a nice dinner. Enjoy. Wednesday is another day and now that you'll have things worked out a little in your head, you can enjoy the time with him.

Weight loss - the really excellent thing is, my WHY is saving me and keeping me focused on losing weight. I pre-track. I stick to it - so far for three days in a row. Even with pizza and burgers. GO ME! You can have it all, just not at the same time, and just a little planning goes a long way.

Alright. Here goes, first a call to the contractor to discuss the house, then more on Module 2 development. I really am stressed out and feel that things are utterly chaotic. Determined to stick to my whys...

HAPPY MARDI GRAS! With all that is going on, I didn't plan any Mardi celebrations. Well, laissez les bon temps roulez. :)

what's your why - 178.4

Today's WW meeting was the first I've been to in a month (I'm up 2 pounds) and it was incredibly interesting. First, the normal leader was not there so we had a sub. I vaguely remembered seeing her before, but it wasn't until she told the story of her bike accident and having to have her jaw wired shut three years ago that I really remembered who she was! I like her a lot, because, well, BIKER... and she's also very funny and easy to relate to. Anyhow, she talked about "finding your why" and shared her why, which was that she wanted to be the best cyclist she could be.

And I thought about the BikeMS ride that I wanted to sign up for... the pic here is me doing it last year, it was a LOT of fun - look how HAPPY I am! I hadn't signed up for this year's ride yet. And I thought about the Gourmet Classic bike ride in Santa Fe this fall. I kind of wanted to do that ride, too. So I thought, well I want to do these two fun bike rides and yes, they're difficult but also fully supported and super fun. And then I thought - there is my why. I want to ride these rides with EASE. I want to pedal right up those hills like it's nothing, while I'm enjoying the scenery and food and cookies and all that comes with it, but I want to be able to do it EASILY - like I'm just toolin' around God's Country on my bike with some friends.

So I went and signed up to do the BikeMS ride this June. I also looked at signing up for the Gourmet Classic - registration is not open yet, but I put the date on my calendar. And BAM just like that, I have my why and am working toward it! I am so happy I went to the meeting today. :)

Happy Friday, Friends!

Goals - 178.0

I would say I have a goal to lose one pound this week, but I have no idea where I currently am. Although, that's not a true statement - my bathroom scale this morning said 178.0. So by Friday morning, I want to see 177.0 or less on that scale. OK, I can start there.

Workout tonight will be to lift with my love. Then, fish, veggies (spinach) and sweet potato for dinner.

Spin tomorrow night. Trainer Wednesday. Erg or run Thursday morning. BAM! Workouts are planned.

Dinner tomorrow will be homemade burgers. And veggies. Can have leftovers for lunch on Wed.

Dinner Thursday will be House Anniversary Dinner. :)  Which means, go to meeting Thursday morning. Workout right after work - run up near office?

A strange thing happened this weekend. I let myself get WAY too hungry to be able to function on Sunday afternoon... then ice cream was the only option, but as I stood in line (we met people there, everyone else had eaten) I was so upset to be in line by myself. I just wanted to eat - anything - but I didn't want everyone looking at me. And here is the important part - I *felt like* everyone was staring at me, because I was the fat girl in line for ice cream, and that they were all judging me and about to laugh at me, so I jumped out of line and ran into the bathroom. It didn't take long for me to figure out no one was *actually* laughing at me, nor would they - I knew that was not what was actually happening. I collected myself, left the bathroom and went back to the line. My friend and my husband got into line with me, at that point. But I was shocked at my initial reaction and subsequent escape. I know the only judgement was coming from me. I know that it was not unreasonable for me to walk in and to get in line, I was hungry, we were there for ice cream. There was definitely some sort of shame going on. I'm not sure what to do with it, but now I know it's there. And it was weird and I did not like it.

In any case, it's Monday. One pound by Friday. I can do it.

it's a new day

And I have chosen to make the most of it. Yesterday is finished, thank goodness. My day did not improve after I left the office. I ruined Valentine's Day for myself - but not for DH. In the end, we did have pasta and a glass of wine together, and made a manageable plan to make progress on the house for the rest of the week. DH is really wonderful. I am so lucky to have him as my partner for life!

House stress is getting mitigated, I cleaned last night and like I said, we made a plan for the week and the impending house guests (who I am *very* excited to see!!) I was just so overwhelmed with all we had to do, but after talking it out with DH I realized it will be OK!

This morning I woke up and worked out, planned my food, and have taken some positive steps toward changing my work situation. Work projects are on track, opportunities exist and I'm going for them.

My sister will be in town this weekend, it's her birthday. I was upset I didn't have a card or a cake or any plans, but I have taken care of all THAT, too, and I'm so happy I get to see her tomorrow!

I am still disappointed with how I handled my stress yesterday, but I think it is important to acknowledge that I snapped out of my downward spiral in a few hours, not a few days. I feel good about making progress with my resiliency, and overall I do feel a lot better about things today.

I'll get there...

Valentine's Day

I just ate three Valentine's Day donuts... they were specialty donuts and super delish... but... THREE? That's not exactly how someone who loves herself and wants to be healthy would treat herself. I am not exactly sure what is going on.

I have work stress - I don't like what I do or who I work for.

I have house stress - everything is a mess, we have guests coming this weekend, we have a freaking MATTRESS on the LIVING ROOM FLOOR right now.

It's Valentine's Day and DH loves me pretty much more than anyone could be loved (and I do not deserve it!) but he's not a 'celebrate the day' kind of guy - for ANY day - and I am, and so I feel a little like I want a celebration, so, what, I eat three damn donuts?

I also stepped on the scale this morning (after breakfast) and was frightened by the number I saw.

I am not really having a great Valentine's Day. I feel sad, overwhelmed and frustrated in multiple areas of my life. I really wish I were better at handling life when things go badly.

Tonight I'm going to spin with DH. That's our Valentine's Day.

bikini on the beach

I wrote this post for WW Connect on Wednesday:  

This is me. In a bikini, on a beach in South Florida which (despite what you see in the photo) had A LOT of people on it. I am so happy that I am doing 'jazz hands.' And then I just read Lady Gaga's response to those who took to body-shaming her at the Superbowl, and guess what? I am #proudofmybody and you should be proud of yours, too. 😘  

--- 

(That last sentence is a direct quote from Lady Gaga.)

The article the quote came from is here.

January - 175.6

I can't believe the month is almost over. But check this out - I don't need to undo the buttons/zipper anymore to take off or put on my tan dress pants that I have had for, well, forever! Go, me!!! Kinda makes it OK that I'm up a pound this week. Actually, the hell with the scale, I can remove my dress pants without undoing the buttons/zipper. WOOT!

We leave for Uruguay next week and I'm trying to get stuff together and pack, etc. Funny thing is, now all my summer clothes either fit really well or are TOO BIG - AWESOME! I am super excited to go on this trip. It's only 4 days on the beach, and there is a wedding, a bbq and a sightsee day in there, so not much time for lounging... But I need a break and it's going to be a lot of fun, and I really can't wait to go! Today I woke up and realized I'm getting a cold. I DO NOT want to be sick while I'm in Uruguay, so lots of rest, garlic soup, veggies, etc. are on the docket for the weekend. I really need to pack and get things in line for the trip. I do have *SOME* idea what I need to do, but less than a week to do it - OY! Deep breaths, pants are too big, smile.

I am beginning a serious evaluation of whether it is OK for me to stay at my current job, long-term. I think I know the answer, but I plan to go through a book called Designing the Life You Love - while I am gone. That should give me some clarity. I have been perusing what is out there. Not applying, just looking.

And that's that. Yay, big pants and Uruguay trip!

snack attack

After yesterday's post, I went to the store and got a lot of healthy snacks. Dinner was already planned, I didn't have to shop for that, but I also grabbed some veggies we can use for meals the rest of the week. And then I went home and put everything away, and ate a spoonful of peanut butter. And a handful of cheerios. And the last of the Chex mix my friend made. And a Babybel. And some chocolate-covered granola bites. And some more cheerios... and some raisins. And then I got mad at myself as I ate another spoon of peanut butter. And then I stopped and thought "What the heck is happening, here?"

Looking back on the day:

I was hungry before the snack attack. My lunch, 5 hours earlier, consisted only of some broccoli and a bowl of soup. I was low on calories. Solution: better lunches. Or, a better afternoon snack.

I was upset. Having my sister flit in and out on the weekends is stressful. I am still coming to terms with her moving here, I don't like having roommate-type house guests. Solution: next time they are in town I will ask if they can stay with one of their friends or at their own place.

I was stressed - work stress and house construction stress took over my entire week last week. I hate that the house is such a wreck, too. Solution: redirect that stressful energy into doing something constructive to solve the problem - like clean up your resume or work on going through the boxes in the basement. This will be difficult to actually execute... but if I can focus on solving the actual problem, it will help in several ways.

I was unhappy - all these upsets and stress and it being a crappy Monday back to work were definitely not helping my mood. Solution: I knew I was unhappy. I should have sat with the feeling, let it happen, and let it pass. Sadness is part of life. Perhaps next time if I feel I can't 'sit with the feeling' I can phone a friend or family member and talk it out so that I can move on. I felt a lot better after talking with Mr. Blueberry Pancakes.

I really wish I hadn't wrecked myself yesterday, but no sense lamenting the past - just learn from it. Today things are better - my mood has not improved much, but I am back on track and I have the night planned out. I won't pretend I'm not worried about another snack attack but I do have a plan, an end goal, and a little more awareness and understanding to help me through this evening.

I can do this... by changing one little mindset at a time....

what are you willing to change

All that extra weight from Christmas cookies and champagne is gone now, so that's good. I really am ok with putting on five pounds in a week, then working to take them off over the next two weeks. That is something I can live with forever.

I've started to assess what I can change - really change for good - in order to get to goal. I've started running again (once a week) but I eat back the calories; that needs to change. I am hungry a lot more often, so want to give up snacks... but then, I think I just need to make sure I have healthy snack options around the house/office at all times. I also should cut back on sugar unless it is a really special occasion. Not give it up totally, but no need to grab the Starbursts or other candies in the office 'just because.' Be mindful.

I think "don't eat back the calories" is the biggest change to be made. And the healthy snacks thing is a close second. Off the top of my head, here is a list of snacks I could keep around:

- almonds
- fruit (apples, bananas)
- PB2
- chopped veggies and hummus
- roasted veggies - beets, sweet potatoes, broccoli
- light cheese

The problem is I love the unhealthy snacks - candy, pretzels, chex mix, etc and if I have it around, I want to eat it. Though perhaps it is the absence of healthy snacks which may be the real problem.

So, I will change my snacks, and work toward not eating back all of the calories. Or maybe just freaking DECIDE not to eat back the calories! Happy Monday....

just a reminder - 171.8

Things at work are rough... however... they may be getting better, and I am now getting paid to learn how to make and edit little movies, so that's cool. But I still work for Mr. Blame Game. Actually, now that I know what I am really dealing with as far as he's concerned, I can manage it. The whole situation kind of has me down, but then... I'm awesome. I know this. So I found this cool photo on the interwebs and sent it to myself as a reminder.

In other news, we have house stress, trip stress, money stress going on, but it's all OK. At the end of the day the bills will all be paid, I'll learn something new at work, I'll have time to hang out with my Doggy Love and my friends and life is overall very good - I feel blessed.

I had a dream I took my nephew out and he wanted PB and banana sandwiches. We had such a good time! I want that dream to happen in real life. :)

Back to real life, this week I started working with a trainer, a new guy at Base. Well, new to me, perhaps he's been there awhile. Workout was harder than I'd do on my own, for sure, but not too bad. I was very surprised that I burned 272 calories in the 45 minutes. I signed up for 12 sessions, 2x per week for the next 6 weeks (well, 7, because I'll be out of town one of those weeks). Also ordered a new swimsuit for myself, yippee!

My weight this morning - measured on my own bathroom scale with PJs on - is way down. This is interesting, considering today is also day one AF. I'll take it. On my way in to work I was thinking it would be so great to be down in the 160's before I left for South America. But again, that's just a number. :)

Happy Wednesday, friends.

"You're looking thin!" - 176.2

Words from another coworker today. I'm not sleeping well and am super worried about work, perhaps that is what is burning all the extra calories I've been eating! But hey, it was a compliment and an acknowledgement of my effort, so I'll take it. :)

Speaking of effort - some days I'm so on about it, weight-loss wise. I do really well and if I slip, I sort of just brush it off and make the next decision a good one. But there are times when, without warning, I slip up and then get that "YOU ARE NOT PERFECT AND THEREFORE YOU SUCK -  ENTIRELY - IN EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE" voice in my head... man, perfection really is the enemy of progress. Sometimes it's easy to just admonish that little voice, and other times I need several pieces of chocolate or glasses of wine to do it. This week was the latter.

The good news is, this week showed a 3 pound loss (following my really bizarre 5 pound gain from last week). So, I'm moving in the right direction again, and even if progress is slow, it's progress and others are noticing. Go, me.

Other good things this week - did my first session with a new trainer, it was just an assessment, really. I actually got up super early TWICE this week to workout - both on snowy mornings, yea, me! My next trainer session is Monday. This weekend weights and a yoga session are in store. I am really looking forward to staying in tonight and enjoying the crockpot chicken I have waiting at home.

Happy Friday, friends!