Good morning, after a not-so-great night. Again, I want to put this out here so that I don't forget how hard this whole weight loss thing actually is. Because it's mental. And making lasting psychological change is not something that happens overnight.Yesterday started out OK. My current workload is HEAVY. I have a big deadline this week for a multi-month project. I've been managing it, but my current manager gets in the way, and then blames everyone except himself for any issues. The guy stresses me (and everyone) out, and he did a really good job of that yesterday. In addition to his antics, I had to stay at the office late to wrap up this project, so I missed my spin class - gah! No workout!!
DH and I were trying to figure out what to do as I drove home. I was angry at boss for being absent for this project, then way too involved at the end. I was angry at myself for sticking with this stupid job that I hate doing. I was angry I missed spin. I really wanted to drink a glass of wine, but I did not have the calories unless I worked out. And I really didn't feel like working out. But I could go for a run, even a short one. I voiced all of this to DH and we decided we'll figure it out once I'm actually home.
So I get home and DH says "let's just make dinner and walk the dog." I think DH was trying to help me - he knows that when I am stressed and also tired, exercising does not help, it just further exhausts me. He is not wrong. I agreed to his plan. We ate the planned dinner, and I had my glass of wine on top of it which put me over the calories. Fine. Moving on. But then as we were eating, I said aloud that "I really wish it were not Lent, because I really want some chocolate."
I did not eat any chocolate. We clean up from dinner, walk the dog and come back. I start to vent to DH again about being sad about my dad, being stressed with work, and DH walks out of the room. JUST DISAPPEARS in the middle of my sentence. This is not uncommon for him. One of our major issues is that he doesn't listen to me when I'm talking. Granted, I talk A LOT. And I am sure I had already said everything I was saying, but I got really upset that he left as I was, well, pouring my heart out to him.
So. I left the TV room and went into the bedroom. I scrolled FaceBook and Connect. I tried to not be too bothered because, well, that's what DH does. And then I realized, he should know that he did it. I mean, how can he fix it if he's not even aware he's doing it, right? So, I went to the kitchen and told him. I was abrupt about it, just said I was having an important conversation and he just up and left in the middle of it.
He said he was sorry. He had left to make me some decaf, he'd said we should have that instead of chocolate. So, it's not like I wasn't on his mind or he, you know, doesn't love me... he just doesn't pay attention to me, and I need attention. I left the kitchen and went back to the bedroom and tried not to let my thoughts spiral.
He brought the coffee to me. He apologized again and thanked me for telling him, and that he'd try focusing again on changing this behavior. I explained I knew it was just something he did... and actually felt pretty good about not letting my thoughts spiral! I felt better. And then I went into the kitchen and got some bread. And some peanut butter. And started eating it. He came stomping in, and I asked what he was doing? He was grinning as he said it was his "quiet loud walk - I didn't want to interrupt any chocolate parties." And then he joined my peanut-butter-bread party.
So I was already over calories, and I went a little more over, and I feel badly about doing that but tried not to let THAT spiral too badly, either. I decided on taking the UPWARD spiral. I worked out this morning, had a healthy breakfast and lunch, got all my work done. I feel pretty good. It's OK to spiral, but you have to catch yourself and go the right way as quickly as you can... which is what I did. It really is BABY STEPS, folks!
Happy Wednesday...
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