scary stuff - 171.8 (my scale)

So I started thinking about the fact that I have never gotten to my goal. I have never lost the last 10 pounds. I get to about where I am right now and can't break through. So I turned to my favorite source of inspiration these days, the interwebs, and searched for things related to change and getting to the next level.

Anyhow I found this quote in the photo here. And I thought about it and promptly started freaking out. I mean, there it is! I have never gotten to goal, so I will have to do things I have never done! I will have to *work harder* than I have been. I will have to *eat less* than I have been. I will have to *move more* than I have been. How the hell am I going to do that when I can barely manage what I am doing right now? I mean, stop snacks? Cut carbs? Black coffee? No alcohol? Cardio every day - I don't WANT cardio every day!

So I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to change what I was doing - a life without my current routine and some tacos and pizza here and there was not a life I wanted.

But. I did want to lose more weight, so I can be a better bicyclist. And I'd love it if I didn't see that extra layer of fat around my middle when I look in the mirror. I have the fat to lose. I'm not super lean. But if I *really* want that, what am I going to change to get it? Do I really have to give up pizza? Thinking about it gave me another mini heart attack.

And then while driving home from work, I got sad about losing my dad and how my fairy godmother's health is bad, too. I don't want her to go yet - I'm so far away from her. And then my car blew up on the side of the road. And yet, I was able to get it to the dealership and meet DH for our annual triathlon club kick off meeting, where I turned down my friend's offer to buy me a glass of wine. And, I didn't eat all the things. I made a plate with mostly healthy stuff and had a bite of DH's guac, with one chip. I didn't eat any sugar (no sugar during lent, but still, no sugar). I went home, completely freaked out about car, races, life, loved ones dying, etc, and made some herbal tea. I didn't eat any peanut butter, or cheese, or ANYTHING. I just drank my tea, acknowledged I was completely freaked out and let it be.

So here I am today - the day after I DID the things I was so dreading and saying I didn't want to do in my quest to get to goal of a being a better biker. Don't think... just do... and repeat. One step, one meal, one day at a time. The only thing I have to focus on is the next decision. I did that last night. I will keep doing it, and these things I've never done, so that I get that GOAL thing I've never had.