yesterday's train wreck, and rejoicing

I got home from work yesterday and immediately ate Easter candy. A lot of it. Then I had bites of leftovers, which were equivalent to a whole dinner's worth of calories. And then I went out for pizza with DH. And then we came home and ate key lime pie.

The good:
1) DH and I agreed before we got to the restaurant that we'd only eat one bread stick each. I wanted to eat more, but I stuck to just the one.
2) I knew I was on a binge. (I hate even writing that out.) I pretty much identified my trigger (messy house / no time alone with DH / feel like a bad sister/friend).
3) I tracked it all.
4) Today is planned out.
5) Read connect and saw from Father John that while it is hard to get on track, we should stop and rejoice in all we have accomplished, and we will turn it around.

So. The funny thing is, I didn't want to stop myself. I wanted to just... let it happen. I actively chose to drive the train off the track. And this is kind of weird, but even now, I don't feel badly about it. Like, there's no shame or regret. It was all delicious food, and I enjoyed every bite. And I just don't feel like beating myself up about days like that any more. Of course I don't want to make that a habit, and two days in a row could easily become three.

But really - let's rejoice for a moment. And let's think about what I have accomplished.

I used to be 212 pounds (before I stopped stepping on the scale). I was probably at 225 pounds when I moved to Colorado to end my stretch of unemployment in the Rockies that winter. I lived with a friend who had lost a lot of weight on Weight watchers. She showed me the ropes.

When I moved to Atlanta, I tried to keep up what I had been doing with the roomie. I decided to spend the money and actually join Weight Watchers - their scale said I was 208.2 pounds. I lost thirty pounds over the next six months.

I hired a personal trainer and started changing the composition of my body.

I met a friend who introduced me to real weight training - I lost inches. I think I was 180 pounds when I was wearing that teeny black bikini on South Beach for her bachelorette party. I had really great abs!

I stayed right around the 175-180 pound mark. Then my dad died. I cut my hair short and went to Paris for work, and hated how I looked in this photo of me wearing this pair of gray pants. I still have those pants, they are very loose on me now. And how I looked had more to do with my grief than my body shape.

I moved to Colorado to be with a guy who loved me, but not himself. We were doomed and I knew it. I gained weight, about 15 pounds. I had a stressful job, I was trying to make new friends, my roommates drank all the time and were not nice drunks. So I joined the triathlon club and went back to WW meetings. The weight came back off and I met a way better guy who loved me just as I was. More weight came off.

We got married, and for a very brief moment surrounding our wedding I was down to 168, but I went back to 177ish - I spent most of the past 10 years somewhere in the five pounds between 177-182. Last summer, I got down to 174 and for the most part during the past six months I have managed stay under 175. My last weigh in I was 172.

The number is just a number. I probably look better now than I ever have, including on my wedding day. I am smaller, based on how my clothes fit. I think that is really part of the stress - I need all new clothes. It's crazy.  But yes, from 208.2 to 172.0... that is 36.2 - thirty-six point two - pounds. That's a lot! And I look really amazing, I am happy with myself. I am proud that I have kept the weight off for so long. I am excited about how keeping myself lighter allows me to RUN again, after a knee injury!

I look forward to losing the last of the weight so I can be even faster and lighter on bike rides, runs, hikes, whatever I want to do. I love looking like a normal person in photos. I'm really grateful I did this for me. This body has done a good job transporting me for the past 40 years. I want to keep it in the best condition I possibly can so I can enjoy the NEXT 40 years. Truly, my body has taken great care of me and done great things for me, now I want to return the favor!

So yes, I will rejoice and be glad. This is the day and the body that the Lord has made, I truly am rejoicing in it and am so glad, so very, VERY happy that I am able to enjoy it. Today I intentionally wore my work pants that I can take off without undoing the zipper or buttons. I am grateful that Father John said we should rejoice in what we have accomplished - doing so really does turn things around.