same place

Twenty pounds away from my "number". For a while, a long while, I was like 6 pounds away (and really, that was good enough for me) but now I'm at least 10 pounds away from being 6 pounds away from my number, if that makes sense. Essentially I'm 10-15 pounds from being comfortable with, well, everything. Here's what I think of where I am right now:

- My black work pants are tight. I don't even fit into my red pants. I'd rather NOT buy new clothes.
- I look "squishy" in photos and in the mirror; I am definitely not lean.
- My knees hurt, I'm not running.
- Summer is coming and I'm worried about how I'll look in tank tops and shorts.
- Why am I still here? How come I haven't been able to just get it together and lose the weight? I mean, it was well over a year ago I said I'd do it, that it was "show time" and, well, here I am.

In my defense, in 2015 I did get down to within 6 pounds of my number goal and at that point, I was good - like, TRULY good and no need to lose any more weight. But I didn't stay there because it takes a lot of focus and giving up things I don't want to give up to stay there. But I CAN get there. And as long as there are no major life distractions, I can stay there.

So, what needs to change? Clearly, what I'm eating and drinking. I'm going to have to give things up, if I really want this, and figure out a way to incorporate that into life forever. But what does that look like? It looks like sugar once a week, dark chocolate on the other days. It looks like alcohol only on the weekend. It looks like more protein and veggies, and less pretzels. It looks like cooking good, healthy meals for myself (and DH) rather than eating out and guessing the calories.

From experience I know that I get HERE (this point on the scale where I am right now) when things in life get really difficult. I think I'm OK with that. It's not a good spot but it's not terrible and I can manage my feelings and my emotions and my life without getting above this point. 2014 saw a lot of work (and marriage) issues, which briefly got better in 2015 when I changed jobs but by the end of the year work had deteriorated into a really terrible situation, and the scale number climbed in tandem with the level of turmoil in my life. I spent all winter dealing with things.

Now that it's spring, things in life are getting back to normal which makes me feel like I am ready to spend some time and energy to get myself to a being happier about how I look and feel. This week, that energy will focus on healthy eating, bicycling, weights, and swimming. It's a start.