snack attack

After yesterday's post, I went to the store and got a lot of healthy snacks. Dinner was already planned, I didn't have to shop for that, but I also grabbed some veggies we can use for meals the rest of the week. And then I went home and put everything away, and ate a spoonful of peanut butter. And a handful of cheerios. And the last of the Chex mix my friend made. And a Babybel. And some chocolate-covered granola bites. And some more cheerios... and some raisins. And then I got mad at myself as I ate another spoon of peanut butter. And then I stopped and thought "What the heck is happening, here?"

Looking back on the day:

I was hungry before the snack attack. My lunch, 5 hours earlier, consisted only of some broccoli and a bowl of soup. I was low on calories. Solution: better lunches. Or, a better afternoon snack.

I was upset. Having my sister flit in and out on the weekends is stressful. I am still coming to terms with her moving here, I don't like having roommate-type house guests. Solution: next time they are in town I will ask if they can stay with one of their friends or at their own place.

I was stressed - work stress and house construction stress took over my entire week last week. I hate that the house is such a wreck, too. Solution: redirect that stressful energy into doing something constructive to solve the problem - like clean up your resume or work on going through the boxes in the basement. This will be difficult to actually execute... but if I can focus on solving the actual problem, it will help in several ways.

I was unhappy - all these upsets and stress and it being a crappy Monday back to work were definitely not helping my mood. Solution: I knew I was unhappy. I should have sat with the feeling, let it happen, and let it pass. Sadness is part of life. Perhaps next time if I feel I can't 'sit with the feeling' I can phone a friend or family member and talk it out so that I can move on. I felt a lot better after talking with Mr. Blueberry Pancakes.

I really wish I hadn't wrecked myself yesterday, but no sense lamenting the past - just learn from it. Today things are better - my mood has not improved much, but I am back on track and I have the night planned out. I won't pretend I'm not worried about another snack attack but I do have a plan, an end goal, and a little more awareness and understanding to help me through this evening.

I can do this... by changing one little mindset at a time....

what are you willing to change

All that extra weight from Christmas cookies and champagne is gone now, so that's good. I really am ok with putting on five pounds in a week, then working to take them off over the next two weeks. That is something I can live with forever.

I've started to assess what I can change - really change for good - in order to get to goal. I've started running again (once a week) but I eat back the calories; that needs to change. I am hungry a lot more often, so want to give up snacks... but then, I think I just need to make sure I have healthy snack options around the house/office at all times. I also should cut back on sugar unless it is a really special occasion. Not give it up totally, but no need to grab the Starbursts or other candies in the office 'just because.' Be mindful.

I think "don't eat back the calories" is the biggest change to be made. And the healthy snacks thing is a close second. Off the top of my head, here is a list of snacks I could keep around:

- almonds
- fruit (apples, bananas)
- PB2
- chopped veggies and hummus
- roasted veggies - beets, sweet potatoes, broccoli
- light cheese

The problem is I love the unhealthy snacks - candy, pretzels, chex mix, etc and if I have it around, I want to eat it. Though perhaps it is the absence of healthy snacks which may be the real problem.

So, I will change my snacks, and work toward not eating back all of the calories. Or maybe just freaking DECIDE not to eat back the calories! Happy Monday....

just a reminder - 171.8

Things at work are rough... however... they may be getting better, and I am now getting paid to learn how to make and edit little movies, so that's cool. But I still work for Mr. Blame Game. Actually, now that I know what I am really dealing with as far as he's concerned, I can manage it. The whole situation kind of has me down, but then... I'm awesome. I know this. So I found this cool photo on the interwebs and sent it to myself as a reminder.

In other news, we have house stress, trip stress, money stress going on, but it's all OK. At the end of the day the bills will all be paid, I'll learn something new at work, I'll have time to hang out with my Doggy Love and my friends and life is overall very good - I feel blessed.

I had a dream I took my nephew out and he wanted PB and banana sandwiches. We had such a good time! I want that dream to happen in real life. :)

Back to real life, this week I started working with a trainer, a new guy at Base. Well, new to me, perhaps he's been there awhile. Workout was harder than I'd do on my own, for sure, but not too bad. I was very surprised that I burned 272 calories in the 45 minutes. I signed up for 12 sessions, 2x per week for the next 6 weeks (well, 7, because I'll be out of town one of those weeks). Also ordered a new swimsuit for myself, yippee!

My weight this morning - measured on my own bathroom scale with PJs on - is way down. This is interesting, considering today is also day one AF. I'll take it. On my way in to work I was thinking it would be so great to be down in the 160's before I left for South America. But again, that's just a number. :)

Happy Wednesday, friends.

"You're looking thin!" - 176.2

Words from another coworker today. I'm not sleeping well and am super worried about work, perhaps that is what is burning all the extra calories I've been eating! But hey, it was a compliment and an acknowledgement of my effort, so I'll take it. :)

Speaking of effort - some days I'm so on about it, weight-loss wise. I do really well and if I slip, I sort of just brush it off and make the next decision a good one. But there are times when, without warning, I slip up and then get that "YOU ARE NOT PERFECT AND THEREFORE YOU SUCK -  ENTIRELY - IN EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE" voice in my head... man, perfection really is the enemy of progress. Sometimes it's easy to just admonish that little voice, and other times I need several pieces of chocolate or glasses of wine to do it. This week was the latter.

The good news is, this week showed a 3 pound loss (following my really bizarre 5 pound gain from last week). So, I'm moving in the right direction again, and even if progress is slow, it's progress and others are noticing. Go, me.

Other good things this week - did my first session with a new trainer, it was just an assessment, really. I actually got up super early TWICE this week to workout - both on snowy mornings, yea, me! My next trainer session is Monday. This weekend weights and a yoga session are in store. I am really looking forward to staying in tonight and enjoying the crockpot chicken I have waiting at home.

Happy Friday, friends!

+5.4 happened REALLY quickly... 179.4

Up five pounds in a week! I'd like to say it's not "real" weight... because, you know, I was sick, I had pizza *and* chili yesterday, etc... but the truth is, today my relationship with gravity is 5.4 pounds more than it was last week. So be it.

The good news is, I'm sort of on track again, working out like I do, drinking water, eating healthy food. I did have some extra sugar yesterday, and some extra wine... baby steps, though. I think I'm planning for a sugar-free January. Uruguay is in a MONTH and I want to be ready!

One of the trainers from Base reached out for a 3-session special, I am going to sign up. This will turn into more sessions, but I think I will just use the sessions to get myself to goal - where I am happy with how I look, how I feel, how clothes fit, etc. I am almost there, I really am.

If I were to quantify my goal, it would be that I want to carry less weight around during runs, races, skiing, etc. I think 155 is a good amount, given my height. I want to fit into normal size 10s or smaller, so I can shop in the trendy sections and fit into the clothes there and not worry about it. I want less fat around my midsection - I know you can't spot reduce, but that's where most of my extra fat is stored, so reducing overall fat will reduce that area, too. Truly, I'm ok with the way I look, just want to reduce fat... so yes, one of the things I will do with the new trainer is measure my body fat.

In 2017 I plan to do an Olympic triathlon, the MS150 ride, the Gourmet Classic ride and a sprint tri here and there. I need to find one in July and another in September. Austin half would be a fun 40th birthday thing, too...

One other thing - I am so grateful for this difficult year. Despite the challenges, I had a lot of fun, my bills are all paid, I get to travel, see my family, contribute at work, be a good friend, a good wife, a good dober-mom... I am very blessed. Not every day was perfect, I didn't handle everything as well as I wanted to, but I did learn a lot and I definitely improved personally and professionally over the course of the year. For that, I am truly grateful.

Alright, work is calling. Happy last Friday of 2016, friends.

Christmas is coming! - 174.0

My mindset is changing. I have managed to lose a pound this month. I have been working, but I have also been eating Christmas cookies and pizzelles, drinking a lot of champagne, etc. So I'm pretty darn happy with my one-pound-in-one-month loss here for December. Turtle club!

The last couple weeks were particularly stressful. I had a health scare, a project deadline, Doggy Love swallowed another sock, got another surprising negative annual review, house construction issues, trying to meet up with friends and get ready to go to PHL... it's been a lot. Luckily, all has been resolved for the most part.

Health is good, in fact, my doc said my weight was perfect and I don't need to do anything about it!

My work - annual review was, well, surprising, but I talked with my boss's boss, it wasn't a great conversation but we're going to do this through Employee Relations, so I'll have a third party present. GOOD. The guy gives me no indication I'm under-performing, the last feedback I got from him was a REWARD for doing so well with our group process, then slams me with "Does Not Meet Expectations" on my review. His boss set up the first meeting with Employee Relations. I hate that it has to be this way, but I see no other option. Work deadline was met, despite doggy and the sock. By the way - hydrogen peroxide can expire! We gave Doggy the max amount of peroxide and no throw up. :( Eventually at 3AM he threw it up. Ick. I felt bad for DH, as it was HIS sock, and then I was dramatic about it and made him feel worse... which made me just sick to my stomach as well. Great night at our house. But, it worked out, thank GOD!

And then the house is under construction and everyone has invited us to parties and we're leaving for Philadelphia - we are so, SO lucky to be so loved. But I'm exhausted. Looking forward to doing a lot of nothing and catching up on my sleep!! So with all of this, like I said, I'm happy to be maintaining and slightly losing. A lady at work just told me I look like a million bucks these days, I guess the weights are paying off.

So, with that, I'm off to finish up work stuff so I can get ready for Christmas in PHL. Merry Christmas, everyone, it really is the MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!

grief - 175.0

I'm angry I can't have a slice of pie every night and not lose weight. I know this should be no surprise, but I figured if I track it, I can plan for it and have it, right?

Well the scale says.... WRONG! :(

Of course, I also had extra Thanksgiving leftovers every day this week, and while I tracked all those, did I *really* know how much I was having, or how many calories they really contained? Probably not. Which leads me to my grief... of which, I'm in the anger stage. I was bargaining last week, now I'm angry. Why can't I have that stuff? Why can't I partake in leftovers, is this how the rest of my life is going to look? I have to just give it up for good and get used to the idea that after Thanksgiving Day, no more yummy foods - toss them or don't take home leftovers? WaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

This too shall pass, I know. But for today, after my 0.2lb gain on this post-Thanksgiving week, I am mad. And pouty. I know I will get to acceptance, but not today.

On the other hand, it's a new week with a new chance to lose another pound. Less sugar. Fewer meals I can't be sure of the calorie content. Planning. Tracking. Continued workouts. I have been doing GREAT with my workouts! BFL weights 3x per week and a sweaty workout at least 2x per week. Go, me!

Today is my dad's birthday. He would be 84. He's been gone almost 10 years. The one thing I know about grief is that it really does get easier with time (though I'm not sure it ever 'turns' to joy, you just are just able to once again enjoy experiencing other joys). I guess 10 Decembers from now, I won't be terribly lamenting the absence of my post-Thanksgiving week leftovers. But right now, I'm having a hard time accepting that this is my new reality. Le sigh.

Happy December, friends. Here's to experiencing the grief of letting go of our favorite holiday foods. (Gosh that sounds bad!)

Love.Liz