There is a Big Thing going on in my life that I have very little control over. I know I have control over my reactions to it (externally, at least), but I hate the immediate internal reactions it brings. Tears. Sadness. Jealousy. Anxiety. Anger. So many types of feelings I actively avoid but lately these unwelcome guests are dropping into my life daily - and some days, hourly.

I'm trying to roll with it. I'm trying to let the feeling happen when it does barge in. I'm trying to remember that "this too shall pass" (it will) and to look for the silver lining (it's there). But in the interim, dealing with these feelings is hard and I'm tired. Relationships are affected. Work is affected. My sleep and overall well-being is affected. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do about it. I feel broken and frustrated.

Earlier this week I had a very vivid dream about a person who - at one desolate point in my life - was my biggest supporter and fan. In the dream I had, we were walking into a stadium and I was elated they were with me. But they didn't want to walk in with me because they didn't want the attention. They wanted me to go on, saying that I didn't need them (so I must have been walking in to a big celebration for me, or a show I was putting on?) Only, I did not want to walk into that stadium without them. So I stayed with them as we entered, and blended into the crowd with them. I didn't know or care what was going on in the stadium - I was just so happy to be with them. My dad was there. I said I'd introduce them, but that seemed to make this person more nervous so I dropped it.

I looked up what it means to have stadiums show up in your dreams... and apparently:

To see or dream that you are in an arena indicates that you need to be in an environment where you can freely express yourself. You need a stage or platform for your self-expression. Alternatively, the dream may indicate that there is some issue or problem that needs to be brought into the open.

I'd say both things are going on. I feel like I can't express my actual feelings about Big Thing going on - or that I have no safe space to do so. I also feel that there is an issue (and I don't know what it is, exactly) but the fact that my angel from a decade [or more] ago showed up in my subconscious this week sort of makes it apparent that YES, there IS an issue.

So that's where I am right now. I am lost in the comparison of myself to others, when if I really look at it, I'm awesome. I have a great life that I have worked for. People trust me. I have a husband who loves me, an affectionate dog who could NOT be ANY more sweet, a house people love to come hang out in and plenty of people to share it all with. I actively keep myself healthy (usually). So I am, actually, quite awesome and I'm just going to keep that shit up.