Let's talk about change

I was thinking last night about how I used to be so much fun and see the positive in everything and now I can't. And then I realized - it's not that I can't, it's that I DON'T. Or more correctly, I choose to focus on the negative and let it consume me and suck all the life out of me.
That has happened to me a few times, but only one I can specifically remember myself recognizing it and consciously changing my thoughts about the situation. It was after an abrupt breakup and the surprising onslaught of oppressive heartbreak crushed almost every bit of life out of me. But I saw that. And I changed.

Life Situation is here. It's happening, like it or not. And there are not as many "warm fuzzies" from this situation as I think there should be, which makes me feel worse about it. But maybe there will never be warm fuzzies. Maybe it's OK if I don't have them- I mean, let's drop that judgement there of how I *think* I should be feeling, and just actually feel what I feel and let it be OK, hmmmm? Just because I am not happy about Someone Else's Happy doesn't make me a bad person. I feel ridiculous even writing this, because it's something you say to a child, but it's ok to feel sad, or jealous, or disappointed. These are actual human feelings, and experiencing emotion - the good, the bad and the ugly - is part of the package of our existence. Those feelings will pass.

What is not OK is using Life Situation as an excuse for having a poor attitude, slacking on my goals (both personal and professional) and avoiding experiences because they may not give me the warm fuzzies I think I should be getting. I am guilty of doing all of these these things. I have blamed Life Situation for their occurrence, when the truth is, those are my choices. My bad attitude? My choice. Slacking on my fitness and work goals? My choice. Avoiding experiences that I will likely enjoy but *might* be forced to face negative emotions? My choice. My choice, my choice, my choice.

I'm going to be honest and say I doubt I am ready to do things differently. There is something safe about hiding out in my little cocoon of blaming the outside world for what's going on in here. But I'm *not* happy in here! I'm *not* actually comfortable, I'm just... used to this level of discomfort, and scared about the level of discomfort associated with changing because it's unknown. However, I also know that the end result, after I move through the hard, is going to be a WHOLE LOT MORE COMFORTABLE. So it's time to GET OUT of my uncomfortable comfort zone and CHANGE - ready or not.

Since this particular blog is about me Losing the Last Twenty pounds, that is all I am going to focus on here. So in that regard, these are the things I need to do:

- Consume less sugar. I do not work out enough to burn the calories, so this must go. I don't have to cut it out completely, but I can at the very least limit it to one day a week.
- Consume less alcohol. Not "no alcohol" but lately I have been drinking more. For the same reason I'm cutting back on sugar, I have to cut back on the alcohol. (I really did not want to include this on this list. I'm still sort of in denial about it. Hm.)
- Stay in the healthy zone of eating. I'm not sure that is a "blue dot" - I mean, if I do an hour on the bike it is likely I am going to need to eat those calories back to stay sane and a person that people don't mind having with them in social situations. BUT... I know when I'm way out of bounds. I even know when I am coming close to going out of bounds. I have to STOP myself before I get there. I can do this by remembering my goals. Perhaps I need to repeat them to myself in the bathroom before (or while) I'm in a social situation where I feel challenged.
- Walk Marco 30 minutes every day, unless the weather is unsafe to do so. I love my doggy. He brings me joy. The movement will be good for both of us. Patrick shouldn't have to be the only one to do it.
- Keep up the 2 weights workouts per week. Perhaps research options to mix it up (like use the old Base Workouts spreadsheets, or look into hiring a trainer for 2 months). But even if I stick with what I"m doing, that's still good.
- Actually go to yoga once a week. It doesn't have to be Bikram, but you have to go. Figure it out.
-Continue to track, and track honestly. Even if you are over, track it all.
-Meal prep your lunches every Sunday. Here are some websites:

http://www.eat-yourself-skinny.com/my-weekly-meal-prep-routine/

http://www.skinnytaste.com/the-skinnytaste-meal-planner/

http://www.skinnytaste.com/skinnytaste-dinner-plan-week-2/

Thinking about meal prep, I probably need to invest in some good food containers. Like, glass ones with sturdy tops. Will look...

I have to do it. For me. I'm the only one who can change the way things are for me.

What Would You Say

I surrender. I am laying down my arms and waving my open, empty hands high over my head. I am looking directly at you, You, so you know I mean it when I say I want peace between us. Because I love You.

You are the Me with fifty extra pounds on your frame. The Me that decided to go for it, to make a change, to struggle through opposition and make the changes stick. To work, relentlessly, toward the goal of a healthier body which would carry your soul – my soul – Our soul. You chose to make the investment of your time, your effort, your sweat… and You made so many sacrifices for Us. How can I feel anything other than gratitude and love for You?

And to Me, I also declare a truce. No more war, Me. No more blame for not getting to Her more quickly.  No more shame for remaining who You have become. Because right now, Me, you are awesome. You can ride your bike on every paved road in Arches National Park. You can walk a half marathon or more if you had to, and do it up or down a mountain. You are a great friend to great people. You are a wonderful wife, sister and doggy mom.  And you even do this while paying your bills on time, planning the home renovation and the spectacular vacations and working to keep yourself and your family healthy. Nothing but love, Me – I have nothing but love for you and the great hope we will enjoy peace between Us forever.

As for Her – we haven’t met yet, but know that You and Me are coming and We have been looking forward to meeting you for a very long time. Once we get there, help You and Me remember that We were just lost for a long time and didn’t know how to help ourselves. Once We get to you, Her, help us stay with you. We know you will take Us on lots of physical challenges and We will share many accomplishments but please don’t let You and Me forget that it’s not just Her that can do those things – it is We, and You and Me CHOSE to take on the effort to create the strong, healthy vessel for all of our souls. We are all each other.

No more war. Only peace between Us, for ever and ever. 

tired

I had a great birthday week. I did a lot of planning to stay within my points and save up for my actual birthday. I tracked and worked out and stuck to the plan. I went to the meeting ON my birthday, because I knew the day after (my normal meeting day) I'd be up from salt / sugar... well, the scale was stuck at the same place it has been for 2 weeks now. I haven't hit a plateau like this in a long time. Maybe next week will show a big loss.

I feel I am doing everything right and I'm happy to give myself the gift of good health. BUT... seeing the same number was extra disappointing on my birthday. I do know it's not about the number (totally applies to age, too!) but still. Speaking of age, an old friend saw me and wondered how it was possible to look younger. What a nice compliment! I feel good. I look healthy, even if I have a few extra pounds. But I am tired. I'm not getting enough sleep, I have a few work projects going on and they're just slipping lately. And things are really starting to seem overwhelming, so I think it's important for me to kind of relax and figure out what really needs to be done in the near future.

My birthday was really wonderful. This is the point where some sort of reconciliation is beginning, or ending, or whatever - it's different for everyone, and for me I feel I am at the end of it. The last half of my thirties were spent wrestling with what God gave me. It's only in the last year that I've come to accept it and enjoy the blessings for what they are. There are so many blessings.

Happy Friday, friends.

because you will talk yourself out of it

These days, I make a plan and stick to the plan. I have to, because as a Totally Mindless Eater, I will just go right back up the scale. During a meeting a few months back, someone told me these wise words:"Don't think about it, just do it." 

TRUTH! Everything related to weight loss is really not something you need to think about, it's just something you need to do. If I think about it, I will talk myself into or out of whatever I'm thinking about. So I just make my plan, and when I am halfway through my day and going "Hm, should I actually do this?" I stop myself, remind myself of the plan and just do it.

Today I went and erged at lunch, pulled 6K in 28:22 doing minute on, minute off. It was HARD and I was TIRED and I totally did not want to do it, but I did it. Helps that a project deadline got pushed back, too.

I also decided to take some time for me and sign up for a writer's workshop, it starts tonight. And I have planned to be able to enjoy a slice of the green chile apple pie that Mr. Blueberry Pancakes and I made last night. YUM.

Off to go DO!

There is a Big Thing going on in my life that I have very little control over. I know I have control over my reactions to it (externally, at least), but I hate the immediate internal reactions it brings. Tears. Sadness. Jealousy. Anxiety. Anger. So many types of feelings I actively avoid but lately these unwelcome guests are dropping into my life daily - and some days, hourly.

I'm trying to roll with it. I'm trying to let the feeling happen when it does barge in. I'm trying to remember that "this too shall pass" (it will) and to look for the silver lining (it's there). But in the interim, dealing with these feelings is hard and I'm tired. Relationships are affected. Work is affected. My sleep and overall well-being is affected. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do about it. I feel broken and frustrated.

Earlier this week I had a very vivid dream about a person who - at one desolate point in my life - was my biggest supporter and fan. In the dream I had, we were walking into a stadium and I was elated they were with me. But they didn't want to walk in with me because they didn't want the attention. They wanted me to go on, saying that I didn't need them (so I must have been walking in to a big celebration for me, or a show I was putting on?) Only, I did not want to walk into that stadium without them. So I stayed with them as we entered, and blended into the crowd with them. I didn't know or care what was going on in the stadium - I was just so happy to be with them. My dad was there. I said I'd introduce them, but that seemed to make this person more nervous so I dropped it.

I looked up what it means to have stadiums show up in your dreams... and apparently:

To see or dream that you are in an arena indicates that you need to be in an environment where you can freely express yourself. You need a stage or platform for your self-expression. Alternatively, the dream may indicate that there is some issue or problem that needs to be brought into the open.

I'd say both things are going on. I feel like I can't express my actual feelings about Big Thing going on - or that I have no safe space to do so. I also feel that there is an issue (and I don't know what it is, exactly) but the fact that my angel from a decade [or more] ago showed up in my subconscious this week sort of makes it apparent that YES, there IS an issue.

So that's where I am right now. I am lost in the comparison of myself to others, when if I really look at it, I'm awesome. I have a great life that I have worked for. People trust me. I have a husband who loves me, an affectionate dog who could NOT be ANY more sweet, a house people love to come hang out in and plenty of people to share it all with. I actively keep myself healthy (usually). So I am, actually, quite awesome and I'm just going to keep that shit up.

Friday update - 175.0

I am nearly back at my pre-EuroTrip weight. Go, me.

I had planned on yoga Thursday, but it didn't work out, so I went to the gym (in my yoga clothes, which meant A TANK TOP, which I never EVER wear to the gym) and erged. I did minute-on, minute-off for 30 minutes, and ended up pulling 6K in 28:29. That's amazing, considering it was minute on, minute OFF. I wonder what I can get my 6K time down to? Ummm... not gonna go there.

Tonight is Great American Beer Fest. I shouldn't be here writing because I have a specific list of things I need to get done before I leave work today... on the other hand... I'm happy to post here. Earlier this week Le Grande Dame and I made pretzel necklaces for ourselves and our significant others to wear as we walk around tasting beer. We also killed a lovely bubbly bottle of rose in the process. By the way, that bottle was my first ever WHISPER when opening bubbly! Our screaming immediately negated the effects... ha! And who knows, perhaps that's the last time I will do it, but I DID IT. Ha!!!

Anyhow, back to GABF. I have planned out my eating and drinking and am just going to use extra points for the after-meal, though I don't want to use too many extra points for that! My goal is to keep it to 15 points. It is possible to do this. Goals goals goals and BUILD THE NEW. This is a behavior I am consciously trying to BUILD - eating like a normal person, which means splurging a little every so often. Managed splurging, if you will.

I am four pounds from my Halloween Challenge goal (silly number). This is happening. It really is and I believe I will be at goal before Christmas! 11 weeks for 11 pounds. Wow.

Happy Friday, friends!

October

I'm so happy it's October! I have a few things going on this month. Like, my birthday and my nephew's birthday and my sister moving to town and the Great American Beer Fest and did I mention it's MY FAVORITE MONTH?

So the scale was down last week. It felt like a cheat because I was well over my points, but I'll take it. As a result of that loss, this week I have fewer points to deal with. I think that to get to goal (not the number but where I feel very healthy) something really has to change. So much has changed since I first started my weight loss journey but it's not over. I was pondering the fact that I'll have days where I eat A LOT - like, 2x the calories I need. Those days are OK every so often... like on your birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. But I tend to have them, well, at least monthly. And lately I've been having high-calorie (or overpoints) days a couple times a week. Clearly there is room for improvement.

Enter the Blue Dot Challenge. On Weight Watchers, there is a monthly calendar where you get a blue dot on the dates your eating falls in a healthy range of points (27-37 for me). This is a great visual. In September, my calendar was about 1/2 full blue dots (thank you, vacation and generally poor choices!) Well the challenge is to get all, or near all, blue dots for a month. Since we just started a new month I decided to join the challenge and my plan is to get 6/7 blue dots for each week of October. It's interesting I found this challenge right as I have been thinking I need to level out my food consumption and focus on learning to eat like the healthy, balanced person I want to be... MOST of the time. This is a good way to start doing that.

This will take work, and I have to plan my day of the week that I'll get to go over. This week, it was delicious Mexican lunch with friends on Saturday. Next week, it's GABF. The week after that, my birthday and the week after that, Baby T's Halloween BBQ party. So there are my four days. And interesting enough, I don't feel badly about having this plan, or like it's going to be so difficult to manage. On the OTHER days, I max out at 37 points, so I just need to figure out how to keep myself in check. I can have a heck of an enjoyable day on 37 points. And I can also reassess this goal and figure out if these are realistic expectations, or if  I need to baby-step myself a little more. I also know I'm doing a bike ride Oct. 15th, so maybe that day or day after I'll be eating more... or maybe I'll just save the points 'til my bday. Heyyyyyy look at how I just planned that. (Though I promise if I am truly hungry or weak, I will pick the points up as my body dictates.)

Also, October is pretty much going to focus on weights and yoga. I'll add cardio back in after Halloween. And with that, I'm off to the gym. Happy October, friends!