because you will talk yourself out of it

These days, I make a plan and stick to the plan. I have to, because as a Totally Mindless Eater, I will just go right back up the scale. During a meeting a few months back, someone told me these wise words:"Don't think about it, just do it." 

TRUTH! Everything related to weight loss is really not something you need to think about, it's just something you need to do. If I think about it, I will talk myself into or out of whatever I'm thinking about. So I just make my plan, and when I am halfway through my day and going "Hm, should I actually do this?" I stop myself, remind myself of the plan and just do it.

Today I went and erged at lunch, pulled 6K in 28:22 doing minute on, minute off. It was HARD and I was TIRED and I totally did not want to do it, but I did it. Helps that a project deadline got pushed back, too.

I also decided to take some time for me and sign up for a writer's workshop, it starts tonight. And I have planned to be able to enjoy a slice of the green chile apple pie that Mr. Blueberry Pancakes and I made last night. YUM.

Off to go DO!

There is a Big Thing going on in my life that I have very little control over. I know I have control over my reactions to it (externally, at least), but I hate the immediate internal reactions it brings. Tears. Sadness. Jealousy. Anxiety. Anger. So many types of feelings I actively avoid but lately these unwelcome guests are dropping into my life daily - and some days, hourly.

I'm trying to roll with it. I'm trying to let the feeling happen when it does barge in. I'm trying to remember that "this too shall pass" (it will) and to look for the silver lining (it's there). But in the interim, dealing with these feelings is hard and I'm tired. Relationships are affected. Work is affected. My sleep and overall well-being is affected. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do about it. I feel broken and frustrated.

Earlier this week I had a very vivid dream about a person who - at one desolate point in my life - was my biggest supporter and fan. In the dream I had, we were walking into a stadium and I was elated they were with me. But they didn't want to walk in with me because they didn't want the attention. They wanted me to go on, saying that I didn't need them (so I must have been walking in to a big celebration for me, or a show I was putting on?) Only, I did not want to walk into that stadium without them. So I stayed with them as we entered, and blended into the crowd with them. I didn't know or care what was going on in the stadium - I was just so happy to be with them. My dad was there. I said I'd introduce them, but that seemed to make this person more nervous so I dropped it.

I looked up what it means to have stadiums show up in your dreams... and apparently:

To see or dream that you are in an arena indicates that you need to be in an environment where you can freely express yourself. You need a stage or platform for your self-expression. Alternatively, the dream may indicate that there is some issue or problem that needs to be brought into the open.

I'd say both things are going on. I feel like I can't express my actual feelings about Big Thing going on - or that I have no safe space to do so. I also feel that there is an issue (and I don't know what it is, exactly) but the fact that my angel from a decade [or more] ago showed up in my subconscious this week sort of makes it apparent that YES, there IS an issue.

So that's where I am right now. I am lost in the comparison of myself to others, when if I really look at it, I'm awesome. I have a great life that I have worked for. People trust me. I have a husband who loves me, an affectionate dog who could NOT be ANY more sweet, a house people love to come hang out in and plenty of people to share it all with. I actively keep myself healthy (usually). So I am, actually, quite awesome and I'm just going to keep that shit up.

Friday update - 175.0

I am nearly back at my pre-EuroTrip weight. Go, me.

I had planned on yoga Thursday, but it didn't work out, so I went to the gym (in my yoga clothes, which meant A TANK TOP, which I never EVER wear to the gym) and erged. I did minute-on, minute-off for 30 minutes, and ended up pulling 6K in 28:29. That's amazing, considering it was minute on, minute OFF. I wonder what I can get my 6K time down to? Ummm... not gonna go there.

Tonight is Great American Beer Fest. I shouldn't be here writing because I have a specific list of things I need to get done before I leave work today... on the other hand... I'm happy to post here. Earlier this week Le Grande Dame and I made pretzel necklaces for ourselves and our significant others to wear as we walk around tasting beer. We also killed a lovely bubbly bottle of rose in the process. By the way, that bottle was my first ever WHISPER when opening bubbly! Our screaming immediately negated the effects... ha! And who knows, perhaps that's the last time I will do it, but I DID IT. Ha!!!

Anyhow, back to GABF. I have planned out my eating and drinking and am just going to use extra points for the after-meal, though I don't want to use too many extra points for that! My goal is to keep it to 15 points. It is possible to do this. Goals goals goals and BUILD THE NEW. This is a behavior I am consciously trying to BUILD - eating like a normal person, which means splurging a little every so often. Managed splurging, if you will.

I am four pounds from my Halloween Challenge goal (silly number). This is happening. It really is and I believe I will be at goal before Christmas! 11 weeks for 11 pounds. Wow.

Happy Friday, friends!

October

I'm so happy it's October! I have a few things going on this month. Like, my birthday and my nephew's birthday and my sister moving to town and the Great American Beer Fest and did I mention it's MY FAVORITE MONTH?

So the scale was down last week. It felt like a cheat because I was well over my points, but I'll take it. As a result of that loss, this week I have fewer points to deal with. I think that to get to goal (not the number but where I feel very healthy) something really has to change. So much has changed since I first started my weight loss journey but it's not over. I was pondering the fact that I'll have days where I eat A LOT - like, 2x the calories I need. Those days are OK every so often... like on your birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. But I tend to have them, well, at least monthly. And lately I've been having high-calorie (or overpoints) days a couple times a week. Clearly there is room for improvement.

Enter the Blue Dot Challenge. On Weight Watchers, there is a monthly calendar where you get a blue dot on the dates your eating falls in a healthy range of points (27-37 for me). This is a great visual. In September, my calendar was about 1/2 full blue dots (thank you, vacation and generally poor choices!) Well the challenge is to get all, or near all, blue dots for a month. Since we just started a new month I decided to join the challenge and my plan is to get 6/7 blue dots for each week of October. It's interesting I found this challenge right as I have been thinking I need to level out my food consumption and focus on learning to eat like the healthy, balanced person I want to be... MOST of the time. This is a good way to start doing that.

This will take work, and I have to plan my day of the week that I'll get to go over. This week, it was delicious Mexican lunch with friends on Saturday. Next week, it's GABF. The week after that, my birthday and the week after that, Baby T's Halloween BBQ party. So there are my four days. And interesting enough, I don't feel badly about having this plan, or like it's going to be so difficult to manage. On the OTHER days, I max out at 37 points, so I just need to figure out how to keep myself in check. I can have a heck of an enjoyable day on 37 points. And I can also reassess this goal and figure out if these are realistic expectations, or if  I need to baby-step myself a little more. I also know I'm doing a bike ride Oct. 15th, so maybe that day or day after I'll be eating more... or maybe I'll just save the points 'til my bday. Heyyyyyy look at how I just planned that. (Though I promise if I am truly hungry or weak, I will pick the points up as my body dictates.)

Also, October is pretty much going to focus on weights and yoga. I'll add cardio back in after Halloween. And with that, I'm off to the gym. Happy October, friends!

this PHOTO

I love this photo. I love Sophia Loren! Maybe I'll watch one of her movies this weekend. The only one I ever honestly remember watching is "Grumpy Old Men." But this photo.. THIS PHOTO!! What is shocking is that *my own body* resembles that of the woman in this photo! My friend posted this picture on FaceBook with some quote attributed to Sophia Loren, which everyone on the interwebs refuted. But honestly, this photo needs no quote attached. Just look at this woman - bellissima!!

So this hasn't been the best week, re-entry to the real world after the EuroTrip has been HARD. I am happy to say that... work is actually better. A nice long vacation certainly helps you appreciate that the crap you deal with on a daily basis can provide you with stellar life experiences. So, there's that. But getting back into the crap you deal with on a daily basis? DIFFICULT. I went off the rails for two days - TWO WHOLE DAYS, DAMMIT. Totally wish I had this stress-eating thing licked, but I don't, and that's OK I'm back on the wagon and I'll just move on. I'm up 0.8 lbs according to WW scale. And, speaking of the scale...

I did not want to weigh in this morning. I really didn't. I went and I even TOLD the girl checking me in that I didn't want to, and she offered up the "no weigh-in" option to me. But I said 'nope, it's just a number.' And I stepped on the scale, it was up 0.8, I enjoyed the meeting and ran in to Target before work. And then I came and got to work. So that's what 'carrying on with the generally healthy life I've been living' looks like.

I've set a goal to be down 6 pounds by Halloween. Again, a number, and not that I'm focusing on it but it will give something to progress toward. No worries if I don't hit it. I can't believe it is FALL, already.

Happy Friday, friends.

Significant (post EuroTrip)

I have just returned from an incredible EuroTrip that started off with a week in Paris, a day trip touring the champagne town of Reims, a train ride to Milan, a few days on Lake Como, an excursion to Parma-Reggio-Modena, a few days in Umbria including a visit to the city of Assisi (as in, St. Francis thereof) and then 2 days in Rome. I was with friends, I met up with old friends, boyfriend and I had a spectacular few days of just the two of us driving around Italy and I got to visit my favorite place in the world once more. It was a magical, magical trip.

There are millions of great photos from that trip. The one I’m posting here is not one of them – however, it may be the best photo of my weight loss journey. My whole goal before the trip started was to lose enough weight to look good in the pictures. You can see my backside in this one… and for the first time ever, I don’t hate how I look. I think I look great, and like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING. And in most of the other photos taken on this trip, I really love how I look. It has taken such a long time for me to do the work and GET THERE, and also to get where my head is in this space of being positive about my appearance.

There is a story behind the jeans I am wearing in this photo. They are called “The Dreamer” by the manufacturer; it is sewn on the inside of the waistband. I have kept them high up on a shelf in my closet for a very long time. Every once in a while I’d pull them down and try them on thinking ‘Maybe this time?’ but I was always met with too much resistance to zip them up. I’d quickly fold them back up and think they were appropriately named, as I was just DREAMING I would fit into them. Well, before the trip as I was looking for the clothes I wanted to take, I went through that same routine of pulling them down off the shelf ‘just to see.’ And this time… they zipped up, and they fit perfectly! They were the best fitting pair of jeans I owned, so they went on the trip with me and they are the ones I was wearing in this photo. I turned my dream into a reality!

One other thing that is significant – being away and completely off any routine for almost three weeks, not tracking and not making 100% good choices, I returned to reality only one pound heavier than when I left (according to my bathroom scale this morning). I do feel a bit “puffy” not having done weights for so long but I’m excited about heading to the gym after work to rectify that situation. I give myself credit for making *pretty good* choices the whole time I was gone and I also got a lot of activity walking for hours each day. I’m super happy that I can go away and have a great time and basically maintain my weight – that is a FEAT and GO, ME!!

begin again

This morning I had the girls at WW change my starting weight to my original start weight, 208.2. Man. I can't believe I was ever that heavy. I was actually heaviER before I went to my first meeting, I had lost 10 or 15 pounds on my own before I got up the guts to walk in the door. And here I am 10 years later still down almost 30 pounds. Go, me.

My week was interesting. DH and I have been together for a total of 8 years. We started dating as the 2008 Summer Olympics were starting. We spent our anniversary volunteering for a triathlon, and as timing would have it we were driving from our volunteer post back into town and police stopped traffic just shy of a big crowd of people, flashing lights and bicyclists. As we waited, an ambulance showed up and stopped about 30 yards ahead to pick up an athlete who crashed on her bike. We watched as they put her on a stretcher - her legs were moving, which was a good thing because at least she wasn't totally broken or paralyzed, but what a terrible way to have your race interrupted. The ambulance left the scene and traffic slowly resumed. As we rolled by the site of the crash there was a LOT of blood on the pavement, along with some "stuff" - which could be anything - bike gloves, bandages, whatever... it was gross. DH commented on the amount of blood. I know you can lose a LOT of blood and be fine, so I was happy that I had seen her legs moving while she was on the stretcher. We rolled on into town and met our friends for breakfast. Then the rumors started... hit and run (not true)... not enough police officers (not true) or traffic volunteers (possibly true)... and then we found out she died - TRUE.

And the image of the blood and the stuff I had seen on the pavement was burnished into my brain.

I spent a fairly obsessive six hours researching the girl, the scene, the stories that were coming out on Facebook and online. And I came to the conclusion that there was no way it would have been a hit-and-run, with the number of witnesses and police in the area. I also realized that there was no way some car would have crossed all those cones into a bike lane FULL of cyclists, this rider must have ventured outside the cones and into traffic. As it turns out, both my conclusions were true. The man driving the truck stayed on scene and cooperated fully with officers. The girl on the bike did indeed veer into the traffic lane, was struck by the vehicle and run over as she went down. What a horrible, horrible accident. I was relieved to hear it was rider error rather than DRIVER error, but at the same time clearly I wish it had not happened at all.

In any case, I spent a lot of Sunday evening eating. And eating. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great. I was over my points for the day. I knew I was doing it because I was racked with that image and the fear that OH MY GOD I RIDE ON THE ROAD HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN DURING A RACE WHAT AM I DOING DO I NEED TO GIVE UP BIKING WTF WTF WTF and so I just ate. Some crackers. Some cheese. Some potato salad. Fruit. A brownie. More crackers. I ended up about 10 points over. C'est la vie. I knew what I was doing, acknowledged it and kept on going, but righted my ship on Monday.

Then a friend wants to throw a (good) wrench into our upcoming Euro-trip, so I spent time on the phone with her about how to hash that out with another friend... and then there was work drama, and I also had to prepare for a job interview (which I have no idea how it went but the hiring manager did seem very happy to see me today, so... good?) and then I was on the phone for an hour with my sister talking about all the things that happened in her life (major, major things which are good but a LOT to digest) so... it's a miracle I got even one workout in. But I got 2. And today it will be 3. And I tracked everything and made it to my meeting. So, go me.

At the meeting I had them update my weight to my correct starting weight. So even though I have posted a gain this week (likely due to the tomato sauce I ate at dinner last night) I am -29.2 overall. Seriously awesome. And it's a new week. I am totally ready to put all the drama from last week behind me and just begin again.

Happy Friday, friends!