transformation v2 - 168.1

Me and Charley P, July 4, 2023

Well I'm about two weeks out from racing my first IronMan 70.3. Training has been so much fun - I'm not working, so I've had lots of time to train, and if you do the workouts it turns out the race is even more fun! I ended up getting 2nd on the podium for my age group in the Olympic race I did about a month ago. I'm excited to go for the longer half IM distance. This was my last week of hard work, and I feel ready for the race.

At the end of last year, I did hire a coach because I didn't know what I was doing or should do for training, I didn't want to get injured, and I DID (and still do) want to have a good time at the race. The funny thing is the coach I thought I wanted to work with turned out to be all wrong for me (apparent after one conversation with them) and the coach I never thought I'd like turned out to be exactly the perfect coach for me (also apparent after one conversation with them!) I am very happy that I've been able to devote time to following the training plan, learning everything I could, stretching and RESTING to avoid injury, and getting exposure to new bike routes, friend groups, training partners and trails to run. I have no doubt I could have followed a training plan and gotten enough interaction, social time and workout variation from my tri club to train on my own, but having a great coach that I really enjoy working with opened up so many other doors and made the experience, well, in the words of Caroline Girvan, a journey I never want to end! And, let me tell you what, hiring a coach who happens to be a Hall of Famer in your weakest discipline is an excellent method for you to drastically improve that discipline! 

Outside of my coach, I'm really lucky to have so much support. Especially Mr. Scandinavian Mullet, he is a super supportive spouse. Some days I swear HE is happier than I am with what I'm doing. For us, training for a 70.3 really is a team effort, even though I'm the only one racing! I have not returned to working in Corporate America, it's now been a year and a half. I'm a lot happier. I still work part time for Weight Watchers, as a Coach. I love the job. It is a corporate machine, though, so there are always tradeoffs. But it's been super inspiring to be on the other side as a workshop leader. I love doing it, though it's not sustainable (I've called it my "charity work" due to the low pay and infrequent hours). It has been very rewarding and I'm very, very happy I've done it. I really love supporting my members, and they support me, too. Same for RMTC and my training buddies through my coach. We're all a support system for each other, showing up to workouts, cheering each other on at races, having fun on epic bike rides like the one in this picture on the 4th of July - which, Charley P, the head coach for RMTC, is 76 years old this month, and this last mile was the ONLY time he was behind me on the ride! LIFE GOALS!

Charley had commented to my coach that I've really transformed myself into a good athlete over the past year. Mr. Scandinavian Mullet said the same thing. I told my coach that I *used* to know what it was like to race and train, 25 years ago on the crew team! And her response was perfect... "I could tell you were a college athlete from the way your body responds to training. Once an athlete, always an athlete." 

Managing my weight through training has been a challenge, even with all the extra activity. But I'm currently happy with how I feel and how I look. I'd like to be carrying a few less pounds in two weeks when I race, but I'm totally fine with where I am. My grandma died recently, at almost 99 years old, and she took really great care of her body. We're dealing with hubs' mom in and out of hospitals, rehab facilities, etc. because she has not taken such good care of herself. Watching the aging process and results for both situations has been the most excellent learning experience for me. I will choose to do whatever I can to keep myself in the best possible shape, for as long as I live. 

And that's where I am today. Happy. I love being in shape and being able to trail run, swim outside, go on long epic bike rides, do big races. I don't take my health for granted. It's a gift, and I am truly grateful for it. The friend who got me into signing up for the race ended up bailing on it for a different race (a full IM she's wanted to do for a long time) but I'm so glad she got me to sign up. I've loved the training, I've done the work, I'm ready and excited to GO!

Oregon, here I come!

level up - 173.9

I signed up to do Oregon IronMan 70.3 next July. Half IM, WHOLE CRAZY. Honestly I love the training, and I haven't really even started! I signed up because I've always wanted to do one, I feel really strong right now, and it just sounded fun. Let's see what I think next April when I'm in the middle of all the training! DH is super supportive, so I definitely have that going for me. Again, we'll see how that is going come April ;)

My goal is to finish top 50% of my age group. Stretch goal is to do it top 30%. I am already doing the work. 

- Goal #1 is to get to the race healthy. That is my priority, to stay as injury and illness free as possible for the next 11 months. 

- Goal #2 is to lose ~15 pounds before the end of this year, so I don't have to carry extra pounds on the course! This is happening, slowly. My eating changed dramatically for the better after I signed up for the race. (Excluding last week when we were on vacation.) I will definitely be faster if I am lighter; apparently you can cut up to 30 seconds per mile off your run time with each pound lost. Losing 15 pounds could cut ~7.5 minutes off my run time, 

 - Goal #3, get my head right - I am reading a lot of sports psychology and triathlon mental training books. I am so glad I started reading them immediately, mental preparation is incredibly important and a great advantage, I'm already seeing the benefits. 

- Goal #4, build my aerobic base this year so that come January, I can really delve into training to get to that top 30% finish! 

- Goal #5, preserve the muscle which will be helpful - basically, keep up the Caroline Girvin strength training.

Regarding goal 1 to get there healthy, I saw a PT about my latent knee/hip issues and the fact that my right quad is not developing like my left - this is a very noticeable difference. I'll work with them the next month or two to correct it. Knee already feels better after my first ever dry needling session!

Goal #2, weight loss, these days I just eat like a triathlete. Lots of protein, good carbs, less alcohol (will likely go dry next year), less sugar, good fats, and track it all for a calorie deficit. What this really means is I've cut back on the number of days I drink each week, cut back on cheese, increased avocado and nuts consumption, forgo the bread, and try to only eat junk food that I cook or bake myself. This is not hard at all to stick to, except for vacation, but again I deliberately took a break from EVERYTHING for this vacation so no regrets, there.

Goal #3, I'm reading the books and applying the philosophies to my workouts. For example, one point was to figure out what makes you derail (mentally) in a race. I hate when I have the wrong information, such as the finish is marked to be a mile away but on my watch I can see I have 1.4 to go. This mentally shifts my focus and energy to "Which one is right? Why are they different?" and not on the task at hand, which is getting to the finish line as quickly as possible. So knowing that irks me, and wastes my energy, when a "wrong info" scenario came up, I was able to SHIFT the negative energy quickly back to the task at hand. The scene: last night at a group track workout, on the third set of 3x300s, I thought I was off because I finished in the wrong spot on the track. Someone said, no, you have one more 300. Apparently I had missed in the first 2 sets, that the workout was 4x300. I had done them, but it hadn't registered. So when I was started the third set, I told myself I only had to do 3x300 and then it will all be OVER for the night. Well, come that third 300, I was PISSED that I had to do not only what I thought was my last 300, but one MORE after that. But then I realized this is an opportunity to let that $hit go, the workout is what it is (the finish line is where it is!) so just suck it up and do the fourth 300. Guess what, those two 300s were my fastest one of the night. SHIFT. Mental prep starts as soon as possible! 

Goals #4 and 5, I'm increasing cardio workout frequency (swims, bikes, runs) and will decrease weight frequency, but definitely continue to lift. Keep working out, but now build the aerobics a little more than the muscle. 

I suppose I have a goal #6, to get a coach. I don't need a super hand-holding type of relationship there, but I want someone to give me a solid training program, help me tweak it as I go through it (if needed), and who can just be an experienced resource to help me get to the start and have a great finish. And of course, it will help to have them be able to answer my silly questions! 

So this is my new adventure. I need to go get ready for swim practice, which will be, like, the 2nd time I have been in a pool in 2 years. HERE WE GO. :)

tracking success - 175.8

One of the things in the Matthew McConaghy Greenlights book is to take note of what is going on when things are going WELL. Track your successes, as well as your failures. Since the beginning of this year, I am down almost ten pounds. I feel great. I am so happy I have been able to stick with the Caroline Girvin workouts. I am halfway through the Epic 1 program, and this is easily the longest I have stuck with a fitness program that didn't involve a team, or a trainer, in real-life. We returned to RMTC track workouts this week, on the windiest day EVER, and while I could not do the entire workout, I was shocked I did 3/4 of it and at a pace over three minutes faster than my typical run time. Caroline's workouts are helping me more than I think they are!

I have also been religiously tracking and planning my meals in MyFitnessPal, following the macro recommendations a nutritionist gave me, years ago. I aim to get 20% of my calories from protein, 30% from carbs and 50% from fat (health fats, as much as possible). This style of eating, and tracking what I eat, is not hard for me to do overall, because I am used to it. I decided I was going to do it, and I picked it right back up. Most days, the macros just line up based on my food choices, I don't have to think about getting the ratios too much because I know how to do it. It's a habit, as long as I want it to be. 

So that's how I got the scale to move in the right direction. The weight didn't really want to come off at first, but lately it is picking up. Probably because I am building muscle (which burns more calories than fat does) and because I'm being picky about what I'm eating. I want the healthy stuff. Snacks are nuts, olives, veggies. I am cooking my own food more. Less processed things in general. I still love my full fat cheese of course, and my glass of wine. But in moderation, those things have a place in my life. And they likely will, forever. I don't know if this has any impact on scale movement, but I'm seeing friends more and doing nice things for other people as much as I can. My sister just got a new puppy, I sent them a box of fun puppy things, and a few fun things for them, too. Mentally, I feel better when I can contribute positively to others' lives. 

Lately I have been thinking about my genes. Three out of my four grandparents lived into their 90s. I still have one living grandma, my mom's mom, who will be 97 in June, and almost every day she walks laps around the pool deck with her walker. She keeps her weight down, and still enjoys a small glass of wine each day. She once told me "Don't sit down, you'll get old!" Wise words. My dad's parents both lived into their 90s. Grandpa ran a tree nursery and even though Grandma was in a wheelchair, she did a lot of work and movement every day to keep the house going. And then their son, my dad, died just shy of the average life expectancy. Dad was very active as he aged - but he also drank multiple cocktails per day the last twenty years of his life, and he became more sedentary after 70. He was still active enough to go skiing up until three weeks before he died, but he let his activity level really taper off. He also generally had a lot of stress and angst throughout his life, which he never seemed to deal with other than by drinking more. I think the stress and drinking contributed to his early death. I mean, both his parents lived into their 90s. They were not stressed. They moved a lot. They drank minimally. The lesson here is not lost on me. I have GREAT GENES, and so did my dad, but in a sense, he squandered them. I will not make the same mistake. 

It is a beautiful spring day in Colorado. St. James has their last fish fry for Lent tonight, so we'll walk down there for dinner. I am so happy that I'm healthy enough to do that, I do not take it for granted. And my meal is already planned out and in my tracker, huzzah! Already took the dogs for a walk, going to shower and do my nails before we head out for the evening. This is the kind of lifestyle I'd like to keep forever. Part of that journey I never want to end... ;) 

a journey I don't want to end - 179.9

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Here it is after mid-March, already. Things health wise are going well. I am following the CG workouts. For Lent I gave up most sugar and alcohol (though I still have wine and the occasional baby Manhattan). We're eating at home more, and I make healthy meals and track my food. We had a super awesome ski weekend in Snowmass, I didn't track a thing but also didn't overeat or drink and I came back exactly the same weight. I am not sure I could do that for a full week, but this is definite progress. Something seems to be clicking with me, this time. Like, I want it [optimum health and fitness] innately and I'm just choosing the healthy behaviors because I know it's the best thing for me. I'm not super focused on the results, I'm more focused on "committing to the chase" of doing the day-to-day work and, well, the results seem to be taking care of themselves. 

So I just listened to a Q&A session on fitness/exercise with Caroline Girvin, during which, she said fitness 'should be a journey you never want to end.' VERY well put. When I start changing a habit, I typically ask myself 'Can I do this for the rest of my life?' and that is a similar concept, but for some reason I really prefer the thought of just making this journey to health be something that I never want to end. I never want to eat fat-free cheese. I cannot do fat free cheese for even a day, let alone the rest of my life. Therefore, fat-free cheese has no part in my journey. 

And further, I want to ski every winter for the rest of my life. Even if I'm 96, I honestly don't want skiing to be outside the realm of possibility. My grandma is 97. She can't move the way she used to, but she still loves a trip to the grocery store or to Bealls to look for new pants or tops. Therefore, she does laps with her walker around the pool deck at my mom's every day (weather cooperating). She does this so that she can still go walk around the store - for her, shopping is the thing she will always do for as long as possible on her journey. I really think that if my grandma were a skier, she could ski the bunny hill today, if that's what she wanted to do. But she doesn't ski, and that's what I want, for me - my journey will ideally include skiing into my 90s, followed by a slopeside adult beverage, of course. 

I also want to be able to walk my dogs every day. I want to eat all the tasty in-season vegetables. I want to COOK the tasty in-season vegetables. I want to eat full-fat cheese, have a cocktail, enjoy a slice of cake (in moderation, of course) - there will be zero forbidden foods or drinks on this journey. I want to be well rested. I want to be there for my DH, my family and my friends, wherever "there" is, even if it's just on Zoom. I want an annual trip with DH and friends to a fun destination, and I want to physically enjoy whatever we decide to do - a ski, a hike, sledding, bike rides, whatever. I want to ride my bike and rollerblade throughout the warm seasons for the rest of my life. I realize I *may* have to give up my rollerblades (pavement is a lot less forgiving than snow) but I will ride a trike if it ever has to come down to that! These are the parts of my journey that I never, ever want to end, these are the reasons why optimum health and fitness are important to me. 

I really do want to have as much fun outside as possible, for as long as possible. Do I want to do the daily workout? Some days, maybe not, but because there's a bigger goal I can tie that workout to, I JUST DO IT. That's where my head is at, these days. I am currently listening to Matthew McConaghy's Greenlights audio book. It's amazing, and probably the fuel for my current mindset. All I know is I have felt great about life in general at times when I was in great physical shape - tennis, rowing, triathlons. If you have your health, you have everything, there is nothing more important. I am happy I am making my mental and physical health a priority right now. That is definitely a journey I do not want to end, so I will just keep my commitment to me. 

Consistency - 181.2

Quitting my job back in December so that I could take back my health and sanity may seem extreme, but really it was just what had to happen. I recognized that I could not adjust how I wanted my life to look, while remaining in the situation I was in. I was unable to incorporate consistent healthy habits in the midst of that environment, so at the end of the day, I chose me over the money. 

January and February were for decompressing and getting back to a healthy routine. Things I am now doing consistently for my health, both physical and mental:

• Tracking calories with the aim to hit my 50%-30%-20% fat-carb-protein ratio
• Following Caroline Girvin's workouts - Epic Beginner complete, Epic 1 started yesterday
• WW job
• House chores
• Calling my mom just to chat at least twice a week
• Seeing friends at least once a week
• Skiing at least once a week

March is for assessing my view of a good life, beyond just good health, and taking steps that are actually in line with that. Plus, I want to continue and BUILD ON the healthy things I've been doing. 

Things I want to be more consistent about:

• Daily dog walks
• Daily declutter (add something small, like a drawer or a cabinet each day)
• Daily stretch or yoga routine

Lent starts tomorrow. I think I can just incorporate those three bullets above into my days for Lent. In addition, I'd like to cut sugar and alcohol on weekdays. So, how will I do all this? 

• Daily dog walks - these can happen at lunch
• Daily declutter - this can happen in the space between breakfast and lunch. Literally this doesn't have to be more than 15 minutes. I can do a single drawer or a single shelf, or if I'm feeling ambitious, a cabinet or closet (more time, but fine!)
• Daily stretch/yoga - ideally this will follow a workout. But I can also carve out some time every day before breakfast. I need to be waking up a bit earlier anyhow, I can start that tomorrow. Wake up and stretch/sun salutations. 

As for cutting the sugar and alcohol, I'll have substitutes on hand (like fruit and dates for the sugar, and diet ginger ale or kombucha as alcohol subs). That is really just a mindfulness thing. I'll probably keep the Friday night bourbon, and some weekend wine or cocktails, but I can be mindful there, too. Realistically I don't want to eliminate sugar and alcohol completely from my life, (hello, maple syrup on weekend waffles!) but I definitely see the benefits of - and have the desire to practice - moderation around them. 

Getting my head straight about consistency for my health really is key for me. I am on my way, there. None of this is extreme. It's really just what I want to become. So now I go DO.

Happy first day of March. :)

 

real change - 183.6

I quit my 9 to 5. Or my 7 to 9, as the case ended up being. The bottom line is I didn't like what I was doing, and more importantly who I was becoming, and while I did my best to change the situation and set my boundaries, in the end, there was no solution other than to leave. That was a month ago.

So what's next? More focus on my health and wellness. Me. Being a better wife, friend, daughter, mentor, human. Getting at what makes me happy, so I can be filled with joy and gratitude, rather than irritation and despair. This is not an overnight process.

Steps I'm taking, in no particular order: 

• New part time job as a WW Coach. 
• Regular workouts. 
• Decluttering and organizing my house.
• More contact with people I love. 
• Provide support for people I love, who need it.
• Spend more time doing things I love.
• Trusting God to provide what I need, and what my family needs, as he always has.

The last step is clearly the most important.

I have made a promise to myself to be at a healthy weight (*actually* healthy) by my birthday this year. I'm 30 pounds from that mark, today. I am happy that with Covid, I have managed to stay relatively even, my gain is really only 5% of my body weight. But to lose 30 pounds, that is roughly 20% of my body weight. This is a big change, which is also not an overnight process, but is absolutely doable. I did this before, I can do it again. I know what to do, I know I have had success in the past and I know I will do it this time. I don't know how I know, but I know. Ha, maybe see the last bullet point above!!

 So how will I do this? It starts with little healthy changes I can live with. I already track. Now to get serious and weigh/measure again. Also, incorporate reduced snacking (or at least IMPROVED snacking!) and regular workouts. These things are happening. Focus on my behaviors and their impacts. This time, the mentality - this WILL happen, because I CAN do this!

With that, I'm off to declutter, workout, and train for my new job. Little steps toward becoming the HEALTHIEST ME I can be! :)

Between two dobes - 179.x

Like many people a year into Covid, I'm fatigued. I feel like I'm in a brain fog. But this is one of the best Friday nights I have ever had, between two snuggly dobermans. The end. 

apres fall - 182.2

So the belief is there. The workouts are there. But so was an upgrade project for work, a vacation, a... yeah. And it's still Covid. I did, however, make the stellar choice to skip points counting and do calories instead, as I know I will game the zero-point foods so I can eat Christmas cookies. 

We are now in a second round of lockdown, which came right as I was getting my gym groove back. Alrighty! The good thing is that gyms are not completely closed, but capacity is greatly diminished and there are all sorts of protocols in place. I actually really like this, as we have to make a reservation so it's never crowded, I get in, get the workout done, wash my hands and get out. Yippee. 

Oh yes we got a second doggie. She's a rescue and is full of issues but we love her and she's ours now. She's happy here. Her brother, not so much, but he's tolerating her better than he initially was. It's been a big and sometimes difficult adjustment for all of us. But, we're working it out, and there is a lot of extra activity. Hazzah.

Work is better, then worse. I wanted to get them through the upgrade, so I did. Then I got put on another project, which I knew was coming, but I don't want that. I also don't want to be on ANOTHER project I got put on to lead. So. Lots of fun, I'm having over here. My new boss really is great. And now everyone knows I'm the one with the answers. But I can't be the leader and do my day-to-day. I've set some boundaries and am clear in them, and am clear enough with ME, too. 

Ooh, and in fun news, I got an erg. So did sister, we independently ordered them the same week and were put on the wait list, and they were delivered to us on the SAME DAY. YES!!!! Tomorrow is my first erg workout AT HOME - yeh!!

So, that was the fall. And now Christmas is in, like 2 weeks. YIKES time is flying.

belief - 174.2

Weight loss success begins with the belief you can do it. I follow some women on WW media, they are a few years older than I am, and they look amazing. And honestly, if they can, WHY NOT ME?

DH took a pic of me at the top of Waterton Canyon a couple weeks ago. While I haven't gained weight during Covid, my body compostion has changed. The pic sparked me to start the Outside Magazine Shape of Your Life program. If you have been out of any routine or just want to get started, this is the workout plan for you. I forgot how informational the articles are, too. In any case, I'm 2 weeks in, my LT is 164 as of the test on Friday, and I feel so much better just taking small steps toward healthier me.

In other news, somehow I'm hanging in there at work. New boss is fine, he seems like a nice guy. I know the right answer, though, is to go. For whatever reason, I am conflicted about DOING that. But, THE STRESS. I really don't want this. I just don't know how to bow out gracefully.

It's ten million degrees outside. Today's activities were biking to breakfast that did not work out, but the dog had a total meltdown... then driving to a GREAT breakfast. Then washing the car, it was only 8.5 million degrees then and there was water involved...

I need to get my act together for the things I WANT to do. But at least now I totally believe I'm going to lose the weight and look amazing. I am going to do the things I need to do, follow the fitness plan, stick to the food plan, and WATCH MYSELF CHANGE.

August in Fires and COVID - 177.6

 Everything is on fire. Literally. California and Colorado are burning. There is so much smoke and bad air. And everything is just HARD.

On the other hand, I am exceptionally good at maintaining my 177 pounds. I started this blog a million years ago, wanting to lose 20 pounds, and here I am, exactly at the same place. At least I'm not gaining. 

My job is too demanding and I'm having a very hard time managing it. I get a new boss on Monday. And yet.

I'm too tired to write any more, but I just wanted to check in and here I see I'm Super Star Maintainer. At this point, I'll take it.

forward - 177.6

I think it starts with whatever happened last time I wrote. You hit the wall. You and your broken heart fall all the way down. And you look at it. You feel it. You see you as YOU, as a person just as you see others. You have compassion, and if you can't have compassion for others you aren't going to have it for yourself, either.

The thing that has changed the most for me over time is how much compassion I have for OTHER PEOPLE and how much less I JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE. Because how I treat them, I treat myself. And how I treat myself, so I treat them. What if this is all really about just being a better person, to everyone? Like, if you can just love everyone, and let go of the stress and the ego, then maybe you can just... evolve in every possible way? Spiritually, mentally and phyiscally.

AND THERE IT IS. We are all connected. I can feel it, I know this. But I think I never put it together like that.

Since my last post, I've just carried on toward the good. I apologized again to DH, not in a fit of tears or despair like the night that all happened. But the next day, I told him, matter-of-fact, that I am surprised this is still an issue with me and that I will continue to work on it, and that I'm happy I was able to see what it was pretty immediately rather than let it go into a week-long spiral of 'why doesn't he love or support me?' and the subsequent list of reasons why I wouldn't deserve it if he did. Toxic, toxic thoughts that I was able to work through and push away in an evening, not in a week, or more. I'm proud of my progress, there.

I had a hard week at work - they're all hard weeks - but good, too. My job is difficult to manage, and I certainly don't like the level of stress that comes with it. But I didn't eat or drink too much to cope with it at all last week. However, I am also kind of tired of having a job that makes it difficult to manage my mental state. Like, I am tapped out and exhausted and thinking of only how I can do what I do BETTER. (Which, actually is a positive sign that I really do enjoy what I'm doing.) But the stress is hard, the mental toll is hard and I am left with very little energy for anything else. And that's what I'm having the most difficult time with in this weird coronavirus patch of existence. I lashed out at my sister because I let my work stress get the better of me - I just took it out on her. I apologized to her immediately and she was gracious. But this is a sign, for me, that something must change.

In any case, this week I'm down 2 pounds. I am changing my eating to move from sugar/alcohol in general. Not to cut it completely, but definitely moderate. I do work it in now, but with the virus, I just think it's probably better to make sure I am filling my body with the best possible nutrients. Some of which can certainly be found in wine, of course. But overall, just... healthier foods. I switched to following the "Purple" plan in WW. I haven't tracked there, free foods and portions have historically been a challenge for me, but I'm 2 days into this and am cautiously optimistic as I really like my food choices. It's hard not to just go for some jellybeans but I'm trying to take the long view. With everything. But this time with WW, I think I have a different approach. Like, an "I want to, and I CAN." And so, there I go. Forward.

unpacking - 179.6

Funny I can't believe it's been nearly 6 months since I posted, but given what's gone on these past 6 months, well, I totally get how I haven't been back here. Right now we're all in coronavirus lockdown. It's been an interesting adaptation to life, and now that we're a month in I can say I am determined NOT to get, or GAIN, the Covid-19. But that's a whole 'nother post. So let's get to this one, shall we?

UNPACKING. The emotional kind - all that baggage and boxes of whatever that has been slowing me down or suppressing my potential, the stuff I've been carrying around in my mind since, well, forever. I honestly thought I had done a pretty good job of working through it, really digging in and doing the work. I had a great therapist help, I sought out ways of letting go, and actually went through unpacking the mess and working through it and either tossing it or putting it away in a much more manageable way so that I can carry on with my life. For the most part, it is true that I did do a good job with this, and that's an important acknowledgement. But last night I got quite the surprise that I am still dragging a big heavy box with me.

DH ordered an entrée from our favorite Italian place, a takeout meal for us to split. One meal, two people. I put it all out a nice dish, divided in two, and we sat down at the table. I took my half and put it on my plate, and DH then divided what was left into two parts and put one of the parts on his plate. The entire entrée portion was definitely a two-person portion, but not a four-person portion. Or, that's what I thought. I looked down at my plate. My half-entrée looked like a normal portion of food, but watching DH take only half of what I had taken, well, no wonder I'm fat.

But I reasoned with myself. 'Liz, this is a NORMAL portion of food, and his is small, he's just eaten two granola bars, nuts and a banana, so don't worry. What you are eating is within your calories for the day. What he is eating is his choice. Now, bon Appetit.'

And I really, really tried to make that little voice of reason stick, as I wolfed down my delicious dinner. I was STARVING. I could have eaten the entire portion, and I said that out loud. And DH said "Well you ran this morning, no wonder you're hungry." So then I said "Are you going to eat the other half of yours?" and he said, "No, I just need half, it's a big piece."

My heart sank straight down through the floor and into the basement, as all of the air sucked out of the room. NO WONDER I'M FAT.

I pushed my chair from the table as I stood and picked up my empty plate, then dropped it into the kitchen sink on my way straight down the stairs. I thought I'd be able to pick up my broken heart, but instead I flopped down in the bean bag chair, me, my tears and soon the doggie. DH did nothing wrong, and here I was crying after what was supposed to be a nice fun quarantine date.

When he said what a big piece that was, it sparked the memory of every meal with my family telling me that I eat too much, no wonder I'm fat. And he did nothing of the sort, my feelings were not his fault at all. To him, he'd already eaten two granola bars, a banana and some nuts, so the dinner really was big for him. And I knew mine was a normal portion, a split entrée, and I had plenty of calories left for the day since I'd planned it in. Yet here I was, sobbing in the basement while my sweet doggie pawed at me and told me in his silent doggie way that he loved me no matter what, and that he didn't want me to be sad. I didn't want to be sad either. I told him I'd take him for a walk.

DH came downstairs to ask what was wrong. I told him it was nothing he had done, and I was sorry but every time someone said something like he did, when I was a kid, that the next line was "No wonder you're fat." I told him I know that's my problem, he didn't do anything wrong, and I was sorry I wasn't past that. I told him I wanted to go for a walk and I'd take the dog. I tried to give the doggie ear drops before we left, but he wasn't having it and I didn't have the patience, so I just left. And I walked around my neighborhood, 2 miles in the dark, by myself. No phone, no ID, no nothing. Just me and my jacket and my broken heart.

I truly wish this were not still a thing with me - that there wasn't this food shame that just shows up and wrecks nice nights. I don't know how to unpack this bag. I walked around with it last night and cried about it outside, in the middle of my city neighborhood where absolutely no one else was walking and where if anything had happened to me, there would be no way to ID my body and DH would have to call the morgues to find me. I was utterly alone, and I was happy for it.

I know that I need to love myself before anyone else can. I know I need to find out how to unpack this, but I just don't know how to do that. I thought I had done it, but clearly it is still with me. I have nightmares where my nephew says he doesn't want to hang out with me because I'm fat, where my brother says he doesn't want me to come on the boat because I'm fat, where I'm invited to a boat picnic and my sister-in-law shows up all tanned and chiseled and topless with her perfect body and her two kids (that I never got to have, because I'm fat) on her hip, and everyone pretends it's ok that I'm there too because I'm the sister so even though I'm fat they make an exception. How the hell do you get rid of this stuff that shows up LIKE THIS in your subconscious?

I don't know. But I can be aware of it and not stuff it down with food or alcohol. I'm happy I walked last night and cried my heart out about it all along 17th Avenue Parkway. I'm happy that I came back and made myself *A* bourbon drink, as I had planned, as was in my calories for the day. I'm happy that I was able to say to DH this morning that I was sorry I had ruined our nice night, and that I am sorry I still don't know how to get past this thing.

So there it is. I can see it. I can see I need to unpack it. And I can see that I don't know how. But on the bright side, I do love a challenge. So. Here we go.

Normalcy, parties and inspiration - 177

Well that just goes to show it's never really as bad as you think it is. I went to a WW meeting last week. I was dreading the scale. I was 179.4. YESSSSSSS! That's the right decade, and I had really worked at it so I was very happy (and surprised) to see the number. And then Saturday I stepped on my bathroom scale to see I was 177. Feeling like me again. Also feeling like I absolutely cannot skip my daily workouts, 6 out of 7 days. Like Nike says, I have to JUST DO IT. It's interesting, in the WW materials for their new program(s) rollout, there's a stat in there from the US Dept. of Health and Human Services that regular activity is the single best predictor for who will keep weight off after losing it. So that's pretty good motivation.

We went to a party last night at Sister's new place. I had 3 drinks in the 4 hours we were there. I honestly didn't eat a ton of food and I tracked it all, but still ended up spending 30 points (basically a day's worth) while there. I'm treating it like a dry run, like I did pretty well overall, and I know that I need about 30 points if I'm going to indulge. It was a very good baseline. The needle for a party can probably go up or down, but at least I have a starting point.

Toward the end of the night their old neighbors stopped by. They're super nice, and they had just gone on a date so they looked fantastic, both of them. As we were all talking I realized that she's my rabbit - like that's what I'm chasing. She looked great, just healthy and fit and a good medium build, and it was kind of inspiring to see her and think "wow, I'm on my way to looking like that." Don't get me wrong I am happy with how I look now, but it's good to know that I'm on the path. And I kind of want to give myself the present of the healthiest version of me by Christmas. So that's what I am going to do.

With that, I'm off to get my regular activity for the day. Oh yeah, I also got a bad haircut yesterday, which is disappointing. I will try to live with it for a week to see if it really is bad. If I'm not happy by next weekend, I'll give her a call to see what we can do.

On success, failure and 18X

I didn't want to post anything at all, because there is an 8 in the wrong place. And, I have no idea what the X is. 

But can I just for a minute say that I am super proud of myself. I am so grateful that I stood up and left my last job. I don't regret it one bit. And thank God for the terrible experience - truly, because it did make me stronger. Last week in my "new" job, I laid out the plan for a big initiative, and we pitched it to our VP. According to my boss and director, we got the best possible reaction from him. We have to run it by the partner groups involved, and then he'll take it to our CEO/CFO for approval. It's a million dollar project. My boss thanked me over and over for the great job, and made sure everyone knew I laid it out. I couldn't have done it without help. I did a lot of the work, yes, but I had a lot of help, too. That's why it was so good. And I am just so very grateful for the opportunity. This really is the hardest and best job I ever had. And six months in I'm starting to get it. I see what we need. I see where I can help. I see our strengths and weaknesses as a group, and my own strengths and weaknesses. This really was one of the best weeks of my working life, and I want to acknowledge it.

So, I am at least 5 lbs over goal. I don't want to face the scale. I don't want to work at it. But I don't want to let it go. I think I NEED to face the scale. I need to take it all in, head on. Which means, I'm gonna go look up a meeting right now.

Happy November. Here's to 17X by the end of it. 

the meaning of the universe - 17X

That's my age, today. And I'm somewhere in the neighborhood of 175 pounds. To be 100% honest there is zero chance of me stepping on the scale, as I had bbq ribs yesterday AND pizza and the number still does affect me - just not as much (and for not as long) as it used to. But 17X I am good with.

So. Let's talk about how awesome this body I've had for 42 years is.

- It has carried me up many mountain hikes, and then carried me safely back down.
- It has rowed me down rivers of beautiful fall foliage and across lakes all over the east coast.
- It has run countless 5Ks, 10Ks, 2 half marathons, and sprint and Olympic triathlons, and allowed me to completely enjoy the party that goes on during each race.
- It has transported me up the hill to visit the giant Buddha in Hong Kong.
- It has walked full days through all of the boroughs of New York, the landmarks in London, museums in Paris, the hills of San Francisco, up the Spanish Steps and all over the holy landmarks and gelaterias of Rome, and through the gleaming city streets of Chicago from dawn until 2AM.
- It has danced. Everywhere, and A LOT. Especially in my kitchen, these days.
- It has skied down and across so many snowy mountains.
- It has skipped through magical adventures at Disney World for days at a time.
- It has ridden a bike across the desert in New Mexico, up giant mountain passes, from town to town in Colorado, on rolling hills in Georgia, to work in multiple states, and all around Davis Island with very dear friends.

And for all that, my body deserves all the accolades I can possibly come up with, and I have nothing but gratitude for what it's done for me over the past 4 decades it could move on it's own. I want to continue being able to do all these things for the next 42 years. Happy birthday to this body, the house of my soul. :)

Let's be real for a moment | 175 (?)

I know I stepped on the scale this morning but I can't remember the number. And honestly, who cares, because my perfect-as-is body carried me over 2500 vertical feet (and 12 miles, round-trip) up a mountain pass this past weekend. We did THE wildflower walk up West Maroon Pass. It was glorious. The photo does it very little justice. But for some perspective, we started way back in the  bottom of the trees you can't even see from this viewpoint. This hike really is a long walk through a field of dreams.

I desperately needed something spectacular like this, as I have been slipping further and further into the Must Get Work Done trap. The work honeymoon IS OVER. This  job is certainly not what it was pitched to me as (and my friend has acknowledged that and apologized profusely for it, despite that not being his fault). So, that's the 'lets be real' piece. And without disclosing any details, let's just say I have had ample time to evaluate how the group operates, and I really don't think the environment resonates with how my soul thrives. But the wildflowers - OH! How those helped to give me some clarity on my next steps!

Funny thing about the hike - my limiting factor, physically, was my freaking toenails. I wanted to absolutely RIP THEM OFF during the last 2 miles. (We had to tack on an extra 2 miles each way, due to snowpack on the road to the trail - meaning our 8-ish mile roundtrip turned into a 12.5 miler.) I think my shoes are slightly too big, and I didn't have them laced tightly enough so on the downhills my toes just slammed into the front of the shoes. The pain was excruciating that last mile. I tried to focus on the pretty as I side stepped the downhills. There were some tears. I promised whichever toenails held out that I would give them a grand pedicure - so that's on the docket for tomorrow.

In any case, I did make it back to goal weight in July, and weighed in there again for August. Here it is almost September and I'm... just doing what I need to do to keep it here and keep it real for this last month of summer.

Love.Liz

healthy. 175.X

I can't remember the X. I think it was 2, but whatever. The scale is actually probably high because of my salty tomato sauce meal last night. I'd like to say the # does not affect me. But. I saw 173 on Thursday, and felt amazing. This morning I saw the 175 and I was all "Ok, no big deal" but then... I was snippy on my ride with Patrick (I'm exhausted, too). And I kept having debilitating thoughts, and I was crying at one point, because I'm sad. And I don't know what is wrong with me. My shoulder is PAINFUL. Like, a ripping ache at times that makes me think I'm going to pass out. Boo.

And then (this is TMI but whatever) the bleedy thing - it doesn't stop. And I'm totally worried I have some kind of major issue, like uterine cancer or something. Like, what if I go in on Wednesday and they say holy shit, you're coming in for surgery on Friday. But, honestly, SO WHAT if "what if?" I mean, it will get fixed. Life will move on.

I hope.

I do like my new job, but I'm also very overwhelmed in it. I'm working all the time, I feel like I'm never going to catch up, I feel like I made a huge mistake, but then no I didn't, I don't know. $$ is good. I am happy with what I'm doing, but it's really freaking difficult. I solve one problem and three more pop up. I feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole, and the moles are winning. Gah.

So.

The good news is, I've lost at least 5 pounds since starting. I kind of want to really get in great shape. I just started lifting heavy - literally, I'm one workout in to that. I'm cutting out crap, little by little. Last week I ate a bunch of cake because I failed, or I felt like a failure. So there are still some things I have to work through, or that will just be with me. On the other hand, that cake was freaking DELICIOUS and TOTALLY WORTH EATING! And I didn't eat a whole cake. I didn't throw in the towel for the weekend. I just... corrected myself. And I'm at my goal weight and working toward being more fit. There's a woman on WW Connect, she is so inspiring - she's a few years older than I am. So, I could totally be like her (but me :) ) in a year. She completely changed her body. I kind of want to do that, too. I'm actually really proud of myself for not letting my job take over my health. Win.

Happy summer, friends.

it's time - 180.6

It's time to just get it done. I'm on my way. Scale is - obviously - up, but that just means I'm 180.6 pounds of awesome. Right? Right!

Speaking of awesome, New Job is AWESOME. I love my group. I genuinely like what I do. I'm good at it. I'm valued. One guy said he used to dread coming in to work, but his outlook has really turned around since I've been there. Ha, seeing that typed is surreal... so please, allow me to LET THAT SINK IN. *That* is what I do. That is the effect I have on others. THAT. And it is all the reward I need.

Yesterday DH and I did a ride up in Boulder. It was SO HARD. But guess what, 30 miles, we did it, and I'm not sore today, and I feel like YES I can do the MS Ride at the end of June. Muscle memory is a thing. Oh, and more muscle memory - while I do love New Job, it's terrifying and there is a lot and it's overwhelming and... and... and... it's funny how much I forgot but it's also amazing HOW MUCH I REMEMBER. More muscle memory. But yes, back to the bike ride. We did a computrainer ride on Thursday, which basically just scared the crap out of me that I will never ever be in shape to do the MS Ride, and then honestly the first five miles of yesterday's bike ride pretty much confirmed that... and then I was warmed up and it was ok. And then we finished the ride and I was like "Yep, I'm good to go!" Doesn't mean I won't be doing quite a few training rides between now and June 27th.

I'm having fits over which way I should track - WW, or calories/macros. I know the real answer is, it doesn't matter, because I have to change how I'm doing things. WHAT I am tracking is way more important than HOW. I'm working on that, and the progress is slow, but it's progress. I have all kinds of goals - to be at goal by Memorial Day (nope) to be in the 160s for the ride in June (uhhh probably nope) but the reality is, I'm fine where I am, I'm working toward it, I'm doing the best I can and I honestly really like ME just as I am. So yes, if I want to get a little thinner, ok, but I'm also good RIGHT HERE. Except it would be really nice not to pay $45/month for WW. So maybe we can at least get rid of the four pounds so that it's free again. But there's no expiration date on that goal. I'll just work toward it, and it will happen.

Happy Sunday, friends. Oh, happy Mother's Day. Just take it as a wish for a nice day. :)

Love.Liz

and then the fall

So I ate terribly on Easter. Monday I was fine, but terribly again on Tuesday, and then AGAIN yesterday. This is hard, I can't explain it. But here are some of the feelings in the past few days:

• I'm nervous about starting new job.
• I'm ecstatic that I GOT new job. I'm awesome!
• What if I fail at new job? What if Boss of the Year was right, that I can't manage projects?
• Boss of the Year is a jerk. I feel silly for putting up with him for so long, and for letting him get to me.
• Ooh, I really want that Cadbury egg. And that Easter bread. And that brownie. Why am I eating all of the things?
• There is so much I want to do before I start new job, and so little time. Let's go shopping.
• I hope Sister is OK. She's so sad since Monday, and Neighbor called me with a weird warning about soon-to-be-ex-SIL (XSIL). 
• I'm mad at XSIL for being such a jerk to my sister. 
• I'm mad at sister for believing in XSIL, but that's not fair, Sister was optimistic and that's kind of a good thing.
• I wish Sister had been a little more smart in handling her relationship(s... all of them). 
• I am worried about sister. I hope she's OK. 
• I didn't want to be in any of this drama, but I'm here. It's not really my circus, but yes, Sister is kind of one of my monkeys. So. Drama, ahoy. Better just brace myself as best I can. 
• Is taking this job really the right thing for me to do? 
• I've been eating so much lately, will my work pants even fit me on Monday?

All I can say to that last question is, not if you don't reel it in NOW, lady! Let's maybe just try eating well for one day in a row, shall we?

Bonus funny moment to all this. Last night, DH said he felt like we should go out and celebrate. So we did. Mexican. Margaritas. Followed by an ice cream cone. I asked him if he would still love me if I didn't fit into my pants and he laughed and said "Yeah! No pants!" it was really funny. I am very, very lucky to have such a supportive spouse. But honestly... BACK TO IT, LIZZIE. You want to stay healthy and happy, and copious amounts of Easter candy, Easter bread, and whatever else are NOT going to get you there. So.

And ALSO... had a moment of royally berating myself over something else. It's like I just HAVE to flog myself over something. I didn't renew our ski passes in time to get the discount. They went up $130!!! That is ridiculous. But on the other hand, I missed the deadline, so.... bummer for me. I'm stupid, right? I kept telling myself this, calling myself an idiot for not doing it yesterday while you were eating too much and reading books and shopping - you moron. And then I kind of stopped the negative talk, and turned it around. No, I forgot. So did Patrick. We're not perfect. We can afford to pay the stupidity tax. No, it's not a stupidity tax, it's just the price, now, we can't go back in time. But you're awesome, you have a lot going on, so just pay the price and move on. So. DH was all "don't worry, don't beat yourself up, let's just get it and move on." And I took his advice. OK! Move on. I bought the pass ($260 mistake - ouch - no don't think about that. Move on.) So that's kind of a big win for me. 

Also, I called my friend that works at new job, he said I'm gonna be just fine, no worries. New Job really is the right thing right now. Brene Brown was on CBS this morning yesterday, she talked about fitting in vs. belonging, and letting go of the criticisms from the people in the cheap seats, who were never going to step into the arena themselves. I am just so happy that I had enough self-worth to truly, ultimately, let Jeffanie's slander go and walk out of that job. Those two are in the cheap seats. Adios. And I never, ever belonged at my old company. I did my best to fit in, but when the company is full of slackers who are just collecting a paycheck, doing the bare minimum, blaming everyone else for their shortcomings - this was not just my boss and coworker, this is systemic to the organization, and, well, I'm NEVER going to fit in at a place like that! I don't want to sit in those CHEAP SEATS. 

I have no idea if I will "belong" at future company, but friend seems to think so, and after the first few conversations and interactions, I feel very optimistic. I have a much greater chance, given that it's a successful organization with driven professionals that actually aspire to do a great job providing a great product. So THAT is what I'm going to focus on going forward. Not letting the cheap seats folks affect me, and keeping my standards in tact while I step into my arena, well, I'm very proud of that. 

Interesting note - Ikon pass guy just called to refund the $260. Yippee skippee. I still feel stupid, but on the other hand, I feel like they did the right thing. I'm happy to support them. Yay, customer service! OK. Now to paint. And ride my bike. And go to dinner with my friends, where I will enjoy a HEALTHY option. Yeah, me. :) 

baby steps - 177.8

So first, the weight here is the weight on my own bathroom scale. I'll take it, as I definitely went over my allotted calories in snacks and wine on my trip. But the real point of this post is...

Let us acknowledge how well I handled the family departure, and all the emotions that came with it. Nephew Buddy was SO CUTE as we were saying goodbye - he said "I will miss you more than anyone, and I wish you could live here, in my house. Wouldn't that be awesome?" Yes, my Buddy, it would. (I mean, your parents may not be thrilled with that arrangement... but hey, we could play a lot more!) And of course, Baby Fat Thing and her smiles are just so sweet! And then my mom and brother, both wanted to take me over to the airport, and brother did it even though he spent ALL DAY sitting in traffic already. My HEART.

So, Brother drops me off at the airport, I go check in, and I start crying, so I head to the bathroom where I can really cry it out. I did. I was so, so sad. I hate leaving them. But I know that I get to come home to Mr. Blueberry Pancakes and Dober Love, and I know that I'm only quite so sad about leaving the others behind because there really is great love there, and that's a good thing. So I dried my tears and went to get to the gate, and pick up some dinner for me to eat on the trip home.

Um, there was also a lot of worry, here - the trip home was likely to be extremely bumpy, due to a big weather system between TPA and DEN. No getting around it, just hope we can fly high enough over it to minimize the turbulence. So I was nervous/anxious about that.

Sadness. Nervousness. Anxiety. Definitely feelings which are NOT the type to give you warm fuzzies. I checked out the food options in the terminal, and bought a salad for dinner because I WILL NOT EAT MY FEELINGS. I think the emotions actually did a number on my appetite, I really wasn't hungry. I did eat some of the salad, which was mostly lettuce and a sprinkle of other veggies, topped with a sliver of salami and a wisp of cheese. But what a win over emotional eating. Yay, me.

The flight was fairly uneventful and actually, Steel Magnolias was the movie I chose, because well I love that movie and haven't seen it in years, and my mom had JUST mentioned it that afternoon, how weird! I was so happy to see Mr. Blueberry Pancakes and Doggy Love, they picked me up (literally and physically!) So life goes on. Proof that yes, I can have the emotions, and carry on without eating the feelings.

Today I'm 177.8, I will go to WW at 9:30. Then sister and I will make Easter bread together. YES! Better get a move on for my day, I suppose :)