and then the fall

So I ate terribly on Easter. Monday I was fine, but terribly again on Tuesday, and then AGAIN yesterday. This is hard, I can't explain it. But here are some of the feelings in the past few days:

• I'm nervous about starting new job.
• I'm ecstatic that I GOT new job. I'm awesome!
• What if I fail at new job? What if Boss of the Year was right, that I can't manage projects?
• Boss of the Year is a jerk. I feel silly for putting up with him for so long, and for letting him get to me.
• Ooh, I really want that Cadbury egg. And that Easter bread. And that brownie. Why am I eating all of the things?
• There is so much I want to do before I start new job, and so little time. Let's go shopping.
• I hope Sister is OK. She's so sad since Monday, and Neighbor called me with a weird warning about soon-to-be-ex-SIL (XSIL). 
• I'm mad at XSIL for being such a jerk to my sister. 
• I'm mad at sister for believing in XSIL, but that's not fair, Sister was optimistic and that's kind of a good thing.
• I wish Sister had been a little more smart in handling her relationship(s... all of them). 
• I am worried about sister. I hope she's OK. 
• I didn't want to be in any of this drama, but I'm here. It's not really my circus, but yes, Sister is kind of one of my monkeys. So. Drama, ahoy. Better just brace myself as best I can. 
• Is taking this job really the right thing for me to do? 
• I've been eating so much lately, will my work pants even fit me on Monday?

All I can say to that last question is, not if you don't reel it in NOW, lady! Let's maybe just try eating well for one day in a row, shall we?

Bonus funny moment to all this. Last night, DH said he felt like we should go out and celebrate. So we did. Mexican. Margaritas. Followed by an ice cream cone. I asked him if he would still love me if I didn't fit into my pants and he laughed and said "Yeah! No pants!" it was really funny. I am very, very lucky to have such a supportive spouse. But honestly... BACK TO IT, LIZZIE. You want to stay healthy and happy, and copious amounts of Easter candy, Easter bread, and whatever else are NOT going to get you there. So.

And ALSO... had a moment of royally berating myself over something else. It's like I just HAVE to flog myself over something. I didn't renew our ski passes in time to get the discount. They went up $130!!! That is ridiculous. But on the other hand, I missed the deadline, so.... bummer for me. I'm stupid, right? I kept telling myself this, calling myself an idiot for not doing it yesterday while you were eating too much and reading books and shopping - you moron. And then I kind of stopped the negative talk, and turned it around. No, I forgot. So did Patrick. We're not perfect. We can afford to pay the stupidity tax. No, it's not a stupidity tax, it's just the price, now, we can't go back in time. But you're awesome, you have a lot going on, so just pay the price and move on. So. DH was all "don't worry, don't beat yourself up, let's just get it and move on." And I took his advice. OK! Move on. I bought the pass ($260 mistake - ouch - no don't think about that. Move on.) So that's kind of a big win for me. 

Also, I called my friend that works at new job, he said I'm gonna be just fine, no worries. New Job really is the right thing right now. Brene Brown was on CBS this morning yesterday, she talked about fitting in vs. belonging, and letting go of the criticisms from the people in the cheap seats, who were never going to step into the arena themselves. I am just so happy that I had enough self-worth to truly, ultimately, let Jeffanie's slander go and walk out of that job. Those two are in the cheap seats. Adios. And I never, ever belonged at my old company. I did my best to fit in, but when the company is full of slackers who are just collecting a paycheck, doing the bare minimum, blaming everyone else for their shortcomings - this was not just my boss and coworker, this is systemic to the organization, and, well, I'm NEVER going to fit in at a place like that! I don't want to sit in those CHEAP SEATS. 

I have no idea if I will "belong" at future company, but friend seems to think so, and after the first few conversations and interactions, I feel very optimistic. I have a much greater chance, given that it's a successful organization with driven professionals that actually aspire to do a great job providing a great product. So THAT is what I'm going to focus on going forward. Not letting the cheap seats folks affect me, and keeping my standards in tact while I step into my arena, well, I'm very proud of that. 

Interesting note - Ikon pass guy just called to refund the $260. Yippee skippee. I still feel stupid, but on the other hand, I feel like they did the right thing. I'm happy to support them. Yay, customer service! OK. Now to paint. And ride my bike. And go to dinner with my friends, where I will enjoy a HEALTHY option. Yeah, me. :)