new beginnings

Happy spring, my friends. I'm visiting fam in FL this week. First, I'm still struggling with not eating my emotions. Yesterday I explored some wounds (old and new) and then felt all of the things, and Notre Dame was burning, and it got the better of me and I ate All Of the Things. I didn't hate myself for it afterward, but I sure do wish I hadn't done it. But it's kind of OK that I did it, in the sense that I knew something was WRONG. And this is going to sound crazy... but on some level, I feel like I don't deserve the good things I have. I don't deserve the good husband. The good job. My good life. My good friends. My healthy family. And I feel like I'm just not good enough to deserve these things, and surely they will all be taken away (which is true, but will not happen TOMORROW) and I just kind of got overwhelmed by that.

So, today I've been exploring that. And I realize that, yes, nothing is permanent. Good today may be bad tomorrow, but like I said, probably not all at once. Secondly, the good things in my life has NOTHING to do with what I deserve, or don't deserve. What matters here is ONLY that these are the good things in my life. They were not necessarily "bestowed" upon me. I really should just APPRECIATE and ENJOY these good things, because God knows, there are plenty of BAD things. So. Stop focusing on the bad about the good, or the "when these good things get bad" and start to just enjoy and appreciate the good.

Part of that is also about enjoying ME. For the last 24 hours, I've been on my own. I have only ME obligations. Not work, not anything, just ME. I went to dinner with a friend last night. Went to the grocery store. Went for a walk. Watched a cute movie. Woke up and made myself a really delicious healthy breakfast. Went on another walk. Went to lunch with another friend. Now I'm writing. I will go shopping, see family, skate, and pick up my mom from the airport before the day is over. Because I want to. I also ate a BUNCH of snacks last night, which I clearly wish I hadn't done, but that's a moot point today.

Today, I'm focused more on me. I think I really need to be sure that I take care of me. NO ONE ELSE can take care of me as well as I CAN, right now. And, I'm happy about wanting to do it, and so, I'm doing it. Self care looks like quitting a job that's bad for your mental health. Self care looks like spending time with friends and family because you want to, not because you have to. Self care looks like eating healthy foods and moving your body in healthy ways. Self care looks like organizing your house and your life so you can manage it in a way that allows you to enjoy it. So that's what I'm doing.

Incidentally, my bathroom scale read 176 before I left on my trip to FL. I have no idea what I am today, but I do plan to check in to a meeting on Friday. Yea for good choices today. Yea for recognizing the wounds, and working through them, and giving myself some grace when I don't do that as well as I want to. Just yea, yea, yea for all of it. Happy healing, and happy spring.