and then the fall

So I ate terribly on Easter. Monday I was fine, but terribly again on Tuesday, and then AGAIN yesterday. This is hard, I can't explain it. But here are some of the feelings in the past few days:

• I'm nervous about starting new job.
• I'm ecstatic that I GOT new job. I'm awesome!
• What if I fail at new job? What if Boss of the Year was right, that I can't manage projects?
• Boss of the Year is a jerk. I feel silly for putting up with him for so long, and for letting him get to me.
• Ooh, I really want that Cadbury egg. And that Easter bread. And that brownie. Why am I eating all of the things?
• There is so much I want to do before I start new job, and so little time. Let's go shopping.
• I hope Sister is OK. She's so sad since Monday, and Neighbor called me with a weird warning about soon-to-be-ex-SIL (XSIL). 
• I'm mad at XSIL for being such a jerk to my sister. 
• I'm mad at sister for believing in XSIL, but that's not fair, Sister was optimistic and that's kind of a good thing.
• I wish Sister had been a little more smart in handling her relationship(s... all of them). 
• I am worried about sister. I hope she's OK. 
• I didn't want to be in any of this drama, but I'm here. It's not really my circus, but yes, Sister is kind of one of my monkeys. So. Drama, ahoy. Better just brace myself as best I can. 
• Is taking this job really the right thing for me to do? 
• I've been eating so much lately, will my work pants even fit me on Monday?

All I can say to that last question is, not if you don't reel it in NOW, lady! Let's maybe just try eating well for one day in a row, shall we?

Bonus funny moment to all this. Last night, DH said he felt like we should go out and celebrate. So we did. Mexican. Margaritas. Followed by an ice cream cone. I asked him if he would still love me if I didn't fit into my pants and he laughed and said "Yeah! No pants!" it was really funny. I am very, very lucky to have such a supportive spouse. But honestly... BACK TO IT, LIZZIE. You want to stay healthy and happy, and copious amounts of Easter candy, Easter bread, and whatever else are NOT going to get you there. So.

And ALSO... had a moment of royally berating myself over something else. It's like I just HAVE to flog myself over something. I didn't renew our ski passes in time to get the discount. They went up $130!!! That is ridiculous. But on the other hand, I missed the deadline, so.... bummer for me. I'm stupid, right? I kept telling myself this, calling myself an idiot for not doing it yesterday while you were eating too much and reading books and shopping - you moron. And then I kind of stopped the negative talk, and turned it around. No, I forgot. So did Patrick. We're not perfect. We can afford to pay the stupidity tax. No, it's not a stupidity tax, it's just the price, now, we can't go back in time. But you're awesome, you have a lot going on, so just pay the price and move on. So. DH was all "don't worry, don't beat yourself up, let's just get it and move on." And I took his advice. OK! Move on. I bought the pass ($260 mistake - ouch - no don't think about that. Move on.) So that's kind of a big win for me. 

Also, I called my friend that works at new job, he said I'm gonna be just fine, no worries. New Job really is the right thing right now. Brene Brown was on CBS this morning yesterday, she talked about fitting in vs. belonging, and letting go of the criticisms from the people in the cheap seats, who were never going to step into the arena themselves. I am just so happy that I had enough self-worth to truly, ultimately, let Jeffanie's slander go and walk out of that job. Those two are in the cheap seats. Adios. And I never, ever belonged at my old company. I did my best to fit in, but when the company is full of slackers who are just collecting a paycheck, doing the bare minimum, blaming everyone else for their shortcomings - this was not just my boss and coworker, this is systemic to the organization, and, well, I'm NEVER going to fit in at a place like that! I don't want to sit in those CHEAP SEATS. 

I have no idea if I will "belong" at future company, but friend seems to think so, and after the first few conversations and interactions, I feel very optimistic. I have a much greater chance, given that it's a successful organization with driven professionals that actually aspire to do a great job providing a great product. So THAT is what I'm going to focus on going forward. Not letting the cheap seats folks affect me, and keeping my standards in tact while I step into my arena, well, I'm very proud of that. 

Interesting note - Ikon pass guy just called to refund the $260. Yippee skippee. I still feel stupid, but on the other hand, I feel like they did the right thing. I'm happy to support them. Yay, customer service! OK. Now to paint. And ride my bike. And go to dinner with my friends, where I will enjoy a HEALTHY option. Yeah, me. :) 

baby steps - 177.8

So first, the weight here is the weight on my own bathroom scale. I'll take it, as I definitely went over my allotted calories in snacks and wine on my trip. But the real point of this post is...

Let us acknowledge how well I handled the family departure, and all the emotions that came with it. Nephew Buddy was SO CUTE as we were saying goodbye - he said "I will miss you more than anyone, and I wish you could live here, in my house. Wouldn't that be awesome?" Yes, my Buddy, it would. (I mean, your parents may not be thrilled with that arrangement... but hey, we could play a lot more!) And of course, Baby Fat Thing and her smiles are just so sweet! And then my mom and brother, both wanted to take me over to the airport, and brother did it even though he spent ALL DAY sitting in traffic already. My HEART.

So, Brother drops me off at the airport, I go check in, and I start crying, so I head to the bathroom where I can really cry it out. I did. I was so, so sad. I hate leaving them. But I know that I get to come home to Mr. Blueberry Pancakes and Dober Love, and I know that I'm only quite so sad about leaving the others behind because there really is great love there, and that's a good thing. So I dried my tears and went to get to the gate, and pick up some dinner for me to eat on the trip home.

Um, there was also a lot of worry, here - the trip home was likely to be extremely bumpy, due to a big weather system between TPA and DEN. No getting around it, just hope we can fly high enough over it to minimize the turbulence. So I was nervous/anxious about that.

Sadness. Nervousness. Anxiety. Definitely feelings which are NOT the type to give you warm fuzzies. I checked out the food options in the terminal, and bought a salad for dinner because I WILL NOT EAT MY FEELINGS. I think the emotions actually did a number on my appetite, I really wasn't hungry. I did eat some of the salad, which was mostly lettuce and a sprinkle of other veggies, topped with a sliver of salami and a wisp of cheese. But what a win over emotional eating. Yay, me.

The flight was fairly uneventful and actually, Steel Magnolias was the movie I chose, because well I love that movie and haven't seen it in years, and my mom had JUST mentioned it that afternoon, how weird! I was so happy to see Mr. Blueberry Pancakes and Doggy Love, they picked me up (literally and physically!) So life goes on. Proof that yes, I can have the emotions, and carry on without eating the feelings.

Today I'm 177.8, I will go to WW at 9:30. Then sister and I will make Easter bread together. YES! Better get a move on for my day, I suppose :)

new beginnings

Happy spring, my friends. I'm visiting fam in FL this week. First, I'm still struggling with not eating my emotions. Yesterday I explored some wounds (old and new) and then felt all of the things, and Notre Dame was burning, and it got the better of me and I ate All Of the Things. I didn't hate myself for it afterward, but I sure do wish I hadn't done it. But it's kind of OK that I did it, in the sense that I knew something was WRONG. And this is going to sound crazy... but on some level, I feel like I don't deserve the good things I have. I don't deserve the good husband. The good job. My good life. My good friends. My healthy family. And I feel like I'm just not good enough to deserve these things, and surely they will all be taken away (which is true, but will not happen TOMORROW) and I just kind of got overwhelmed by that.

So, today I've been exploring that. And I realize that, yes, nothing is permanent. Good today may be bad tomorrow, but like I said, probably not all at once. Secondly, the good things in my life has NOTHING to do with what I deserve, or don't deserve. What matters here is ONLY that these are the good things in my life. They were not necessarily "bestowed" upon me. I really should just APPRECIATE and ENJOY these good things, because God knows, there are plenty of BAD things. So. Stop focusing on the bad about the good, or the "when these good things get bad" and start to just enjoy and appreciate the good.

Part of that is also about enjoying ME. For the last 24 hours, I've been on my own. I have only ME obligations. Not work, not anything, just ME. I went to dinner with a friend last night. Went to the grocery store. Went for a walk. Watched a cute movie. Woke up and made myself a really delicious healthy breakfast. Went on another walk. Went to lunch with another friend. Now I'm writing. I will go shopping, see family, skate, and pick up my mom from the airport before the day is over. Because I want to. I also ate a BUNCH of snacks last night, which I clearly wish I hadn't done, but that's a moot point today.

Today, I'm focused more on me. I think I really need to be sure that I take care of me. NO ONE ELSE can take care of me as well as I CAN, right now. And, I'm happy about wanting to do it, and so, I'm doing it. Self care looks like quitting a job that's bad for your mental health. Self care looks like spending time with friends and family because you want to, not because you have to. Self care looks like eating healthy foods and moving your body in healthy ways. Self care looks like organizing your house and your life so you can manage it in a way that allows you to enjoy it. So that's what I'm doing.

Incidentally, my bathroom scale read 176 before I left on my trip to FL. I have no idea what I am today, but I do plan to check in to a meeting on Friday. Yea for good choices today. Yea for recognizing the wounds, and working through them, and giving myself some grace when I don't do that as well as I want to. Just yea, yea, yea for all of it. Happy healing, and happy spring.

the struggle is very, very real.

I'm not doing it, weight-loss wise. Everything else in life is going crazy, and the weight loss piece is falling off. I am using food/drink as a crutch. I don't know how to fix this. I feel like I should have it all together. I mean, I made WW Lifetime back in August. Why can't I get back there? Why am I going over my calories every single day? Why am I not choosing to stick to my plans? What is the matter with me?

I feel like these are all the wrong questions. They focus on my failing. Which... I very much feel that I am failing right now.

But, am I? I mean, in this constant chaos... I have generally maintained my weight, even if that number is over my goal. I have been through two character attacks. I have gone on trips. I have quit my job. I have no paycheck. I have no job offer right now.

I think what is going on right now is, I'm not using healthy coping strategies to deal with the stresses in my life. I don't want to do that. I need to just let the emotions run their course, and not use food. I really want to figure out how to navigate LIFE without using FOOD to distract me from the unpleasant experiences and emotions that come with the beauty of LIVING.

Which means... my why is that I want to live my best, healthiest life. I know that's not specific enough. I want to live a completely unlimited life - I want to move easily in the world, to not be self-conscious about how I look, to be able to run and bike and keep up with my active friends and husband. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible so that I can enjoy as much life as possible. Now, those things... those are my real reasons. I want to experience ALL of life. And yes, that means the bad parts, but there are also many GOOD parts. I want no distractors.

I don't want to be a "fair weather loser." I want my weight to remain constant and healthy, even in times of trouble.

I know I said yesterday (or whenever I wrote my last post) that I want to get to goal on April 19. Well, I take that back. I want to get myself back to healthy in whatever amount of time it takes me. And I want to actively work on staying there. It is honestly kind of a WIN that I am within 5 pounds of goal weight range, so let's just chip away at getting back there, and keep in mind that my why is to be the healthiest version of ME so that I can fully enjoy my life. That means being the best swimmer, cyclist, skier, runner I can be, and that is a lot easier to do with less weight on my frame. I'm worth the effort. My life experience is my why. I want to be as healthy as possible so that I can soak up all the experiences life has to offer.

And now, I'd better get to it.

Here's a great article about overcoming emotional eating: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shrink/201206/five-strategies-overcoming-emotional-eating

new beginnings

So, I quit my job last month. Boss did it again, HR ambush, coworker lying about me... I gave it 24 hours before I turned in my two weeks notice. Best decision I ever made, after marrying Patrick.

I don't have another job lined up, but I have an awesome job on the horizon. My last round of interviews is this week. I never, ever would have had the confidence to go for this job if I hadn't worked with a friend of my sister's to get things in order. He helped me realize I am, indeed, AWESOME. And it helps that one of my most favorite professionals is currently working as a consultant at the company, and recommended me for the job. He knows me, he knows them, this is a win for everyone. I can't believe I'm a candidate. But then, I see how I'm exactly the RIGHT candidate. So that is great news.

I gained 5 pounds over Christmas/New Year's. I have not yet lost it. I've been doing things like drinking more than one drink a day, eating snacks even though I know I'm over calories. To be 100% honest, though, I think it is a real win that during this terribly stressful 6 months with the work situation, if I only gained 5 pounds, well, that is a real WIN. But. I have a goal now:

I want to be back in my WW goal weight range (176) by Good Friday. That is 19 days from now. 1.5 pounds per week. I can absolutely do that.

Time for chores, and then shopping for my interview attire. I can actually wear something I already have, I think, so I may just go shopping in my own closet. :)

So. Happy spring, I'm excited for new things. New job (whether or not I get the one I'm going for, how I spend my weekdays is NEW) and healthier me. I'll be posting soon about the good questions to ask myself for improvements, but like I said a moment ago, time for chores.