Normalcy, parties and inspiration - 177

Well that just goes to show it's never really as bad as you think it is. I went to a WW meeting last week. I was dreading the scale. I was 179.4. YESSSSSSS! That's the right decade, and I had really worked at it so I was very happy (and surprised) to see the number. And then Saturday I stepped on my bathroom scale to see I was 177. Feeling like me again. Also feeling like I absolutely cannot skip my daily workouts, 6 out of 7 days. Like Nike says, I have to JUST DO IT. It's interesting, in the WW materials for their new program(s) rollout, there's a stat in there from the US Dept. of Health and Human Services that regular activity is the single best predictor for who will keep weight off after losing it. So that's pretty good motivation.

We went to a party last night at Sister's new place. I had 3 drinks in the 4 hours we were there. I honestly didn't eat a ton of food and I tracked it all, but still ended up spending 30 points (basically a day's worth) while there. I'm treating it like a dry run, like I did pretty well overall, and I know that I need about 30 points if I'm going to indulge. It was a very good baseline. The needle for a party can probably go up or down, but at least I have a starting point.

Toward the end of the night their old neighbors stopped by. They're super nice, and they had just gone on a date so they looked fantastic, both of them. As we were all talking I realized that she's my rabbit - like that's what I'm chasing. She looked great, just healthy and fit and a good medium build, and it was kind of inspiring to see her and think "wow, I'm on my way to looking like that." Don't get me wrong I am happy with how I look now, but it's good to know that I'm on the path. And I kind of want to give myself the present of the healthiest version of me by Christmas. So that's what I am going to do.

With that, I'm off to get my regular activity for the day. Oh yeah, I also got a bad haircut yesterday, which is disappointing. I will try to live with it for a week to see if it really is bad. If I'm not happy by next weekend, I'll give her a call to see what we can do.

On success, failure and 18X

I didn't want to post anything at all, because there is an 8 in the wrong place. And, I have no idea what the X is. 

But can I just for a minute say that I am super proud of myself. I am so grateful that I stood up and left my last job. I don't regret it one bit. And thank God for the terrible experience - truly, because it did make me stronger. Last week in my "new" job, I laid out the plan for a big initiative, and we pitched it to our VP. According to my boss and director, we got the best possible reaction from him. We have to run it by the partner groups involved, and then he'll take it to our CEO/CFO for approval. It's a million dollar project. My boss thanked me over and over for the great job, and made sure everyone knew I laid it out. I couldn't have done it without help. I did a lot of the work, yes, but I had a lot of help, too. That's why it was so good. And I am just so very grateful for the opportunity. This really is the hardest and best job I ever had. And six months in I'm starting to get it. I see what we need. I see where I can help. I see our strengths and weaknesses as a group, and my own strengths and weaknesses. This really was one of the best weeks of my working life, and I want to acknowledge it.

So, I am at least 5 lbs over goal. I don't want to face the scale. I don't want to work at it. But I don't want to let it go. I think I NEED to face the scale. I need to take it all in, head on. Which means, I'm gonna go look up a meeting right now.

Happy November. Here's to 17X by the end of it. 

the meaning of the universe - 17X

That's my age, today. And I'm somewhere in the neighborhood of 175 pounds. To be 100% honest there is zero chance of me stepping on the scale, as I had bbq ribs yesterday AND pizza and the number still does affect me - just not as much (and for not as long) as it used to. But 17X I am good with.

So. Let's talk about how awesome this body I've had for 42 years is.

- It has carried me up many mountain hikes, and then carried me safely back down.
- It has rowed me down rivers of beautiful fall foliage and across lakes all over the east coast.
- It has run countless 5Ks, 10Ks, 2 half marathons, and sprint and Olympic triathlons, and allowed me to completely enjoy the party that goes on during each race.
- It has transported me up the hill to visit the giant Buddha in Hong Kong.
- It has walked full days through all of the boroughs of New York, the landmarks in London, museums in Paris, the hills of San Francisco, up the Spanish Steps and all over the holy landmarks and gelaterias of Rome, and through the gleaming city streets of Chicago from dawn until 2AM.
- It has danced. Everywhere, and A LOT. Especially in my kitchen, these days.
- It has skied down and across so many snowy mountains.
- It has skipped through magical adventures at Disney World for days at a time.
- It has ridden a bike across the desert in New Mexico, up giant mountain passes, from town to town in Colorado, on rolling hills in Georgia, to work in multiple states, and all around Davis Island with very dear friends.

And for all that, my body deserves all the accolades I can possibly come up with, and I have nothing but gratitude for what it's done for me over the past 4 decades it could move on it's own. I want to continue being able to do all these things for the next 42 years. Happy birthday to this body, the house of my soul. :)

Let's be real for a moment | 175 (?)

I know I stepped on the scale this morning but I can't remember the number. And honestly, who cares, because my perfect-as-is body carried me over 2500 vertical feet (and 12 miles, round-trip) up a mountain pass this past weekend. We did THE wildflower walk up West Maroon Pass. It was glorious. The photo does it very little justice. But for some perspective, we started way back in the  bottom of the trees you can't even see from this viewpoint. This hike really is a long walk through a field of dreams.

I desperately needed something spectacular like this, as I have been slipping further and further into the Must Get Work Done trap. The work honeymoon IS OVER. This  job is certainly not what it was pitched to me as (and my friend has acknowledged that and apologized profusely for it, despite that not being his fault). So, that's the 'lets be real' piece. And without disclosing any details, let's just say I have had ample time to evaluate how the group operates, and I really don't think the environment resonates with how my soul thrives. But the wildflowers - OH! How those helped to give me some clarity on my next steps!

Funny thing about the hike - my limiting factor, physically, was my freaking toenails. I wanted to absolutely RIP THEM OFF during the last 2 miles. (We had to tack on an extra 2 miles each way, due to snowpack on the road to the trail - meaning our 8-ish mile roundtrip turned into a 12.5 miler.) I think my shoes are slightly too big, and I didn't have them laced tightly enough so on the downhills my toes just slammed into the front of the shoes. The pain was excruciating that last mile. I tried to focus on the pretty as I side stepped the downhills. There were some tears. I promised whichever toenails held out that I would give them a grand pedicure - so that's on the docket for tomorrow.

In any case, I did make it back to goal weight in July, and weighed in there again for August. Here it is almost September and I'm... just doing what I need to do to keep it here and keep it real for this last month of summer.

Love.Liz

healthy. 175.X

I can't remember the X. I think it was 2, but whatever. The scale is actually probably high because of my salty tomato sauce meal last night. I'd like to say the # does not affect me. But. I saw 173 on Thursday, and felt amazing. This morning I saw the 175 and I was all "Ok, no big deal" but then... I was snippy on my ride with Patrick (I'm exhausted, too). And I kept having debilitating thoughts, and I was crying at one point, because I'm sad. And I don't know what is wrong with me. My shoulder is PAINFUL. Like, a ripping ache at times that makes me think I'm going to pass out. Boo.

And then (this is TMI but whatever) the bleedy thing - it doesn't stop. And I'm totally worried I have some kind of major issue, like uterine cancer or something. Like, what if I go in on Wednesday and they say holy shit, you're coming in for surgery on Friday. But, honestly, SO WHAT if "what if?" I mean, it will get fixed. Life will move on.

I hope.

I do like my new job, but I'm also very overwhelmed in it. I'm working all the time, I feel like I'm never going to catch up, I feel like I made a huge mistake, but then no I didn't, I don't know. $$ is good. I am happy with what I'm doing, but it's really freaking difficult. I solve one problem and three more pop up. I feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole, and the moles are winning. Gah.

So.

The good news is, I've lost at least 5 pounds since starting. I kind of want to really get in great shape. I just started lifting heavy - literally, I'm one workout in to that. I'm cutting out crap, little by little. Last week I ate a bunch of cake because I failed, or I felt like a failure. So there are still some things I have to work through, or that will just be with me. On the other hand, that cake was freaking DELICIOUS and TOTALLY WORTH EATING! And I didn't eat a whole cake. I didn't throw in the towel for the weekend. I just... corrected myself. And I'm at my goal weight and working toward being more fit. There's a woman on WW Connect, she is so inspiring - she's a few years older than I am. So, I could totally be like her (but me :) ) in a year. She completely changed her body. I kind of want to do that, too. I'm actually really proud of myself for not letting my job take over my health. Win.

Happy summer, friends.

it's time - 180.6

It's time to just get it done. I'm on my way. Scale is - obviously - up, but that just means I'm 180.6 pounds of awesome. Right? Right!

Speaking of awesome, New Job is AWESOME. I love my group. I genuinely like what I do. I'm good at it. I'm valued. One guy said he used to dread coming in to work, but his outlook has really turned around since I've been there. Ha, seeing that typed is surreal... so please, allow me to LET THAT SINK IN. *That* is what I do. That is the effect I have on others. THAT. And it is all the reward I need.

Yesterday DH and I did a ride up in Boulder. It was SO HARD. But guess what, 30 miles, we did it, and I'm not sore today, and I feel like YES I can do the MS Ride at the end of June. Muscle memory is a thing. Oh, and more muscle memory - while I do love New Job, it's terrifying and there is a lot and it's overwhelming and... and... and... it's funny how much I forgot but it's also amazing HOW MUCH I REMEMBER. More muscle memory. But yes, back to the bike ride. We did a computrainer ride on Thursday, which basically just scared the crap out of me that I will never ever be in shape to do the MS Ride, and then honestly the first five miles of yesterday's bike ride pretty much confirmed that... and then I was warmed up and it was ok. And then we finished the ride and I was like "Yep, I'm good to go!" Doesn't mean I won't be doing quite a few training rides between now and June 27th.

I'm having fits over which way I should track - WW, or calories/macros. I know the real answer is, it doesn't matter, because I have to change how I'm doing things. WHAT I am tracking is way more important than HOW. I'm working on that, and the progress is slow, but it's progress. I have all kinds of goals - to be at goal by Memorial Day (nope) to be in the 160s for the ride in June (uhhh probably nope) but the reality is, I'm fine where I am, I'm working toward it, I'm doing the best I can and I honestly really like ME just as I am. So yes, if I want to get a little thinner, ok, but I'm also good RIGHT HERE. Except it would be really nice not to pay $45/month for WW. So maybe we can at least get rid of the four pounds so that it's free again. But there's no expiration date on that goal. I'll just work toward it, and it will happen.

Happy Sunday, friends. Oh, happy Mother's Day. Just take it as a wish for a nice day. :)

Love.Liz

and then the fall

So I ate terribly on Easter. Monday I was fine, but terribly again on Tuesday, and then AGAIN yesterday. This is hard, I can't explain it. But here are some of the feelings in the past few days:

• I'm nervous about starting new job.
• I'm ecstatic that I GOT new job. I'm awesome!
• What if I fail at new job? What if Boss of the Year was right, that I can't manage projects?
• Boss of the Year is a jerk. I feel silly for putting up with him for so long, and for letting him get to me.
• Ooh, I really want that Cadbury egg. And that Easter bread. And that brownie. Why am I eating all of the things?
• There is so much I want to do before I start new job, and so little time. Let's go shopping.
• I hope Sister is OK. She's so sad since Monday, and Neighbor called me with a weird warning about soon-to-be-ex-SIL (XSIL). 
• I'm mad at XSIL for being such a jerk to my sister. 
• I'm mad at sister for believing in XSIL, but that's not fair, Sister was optimistic and that's kind of a good thing.
• I wish Sister had been a little more smart in handling her relationship(s... all of them). 
• I am worried about sister. I hope she's OK. 
• I didn't want to be in any of this drama, but I'm here. It's not really my circus, but yes, Sister is kind of one of my monkeys. So. Drama, ahoy. Better just brace myself as best I can. 
• Is taking this job really the right thing for me to do? 
• I've been eating so much lately, will my work pants even fit me on Monday?

All I can say to that last question is, not if you don't reel it in NOW, lady! Let's maybe just try eating well for one day in a row, shall we?

Bonus funny moment to all this. Last night, DH said he felt like we should go out and celebrate. So we did. Mexican. Margaritas. Followed by an ice cream cone. I asked him if he would still love me if I didn't fit into my pants and he laughed and said "Yeah! No pants!" it was really funny. I am very, very lucky to have such a supportive spouse. But honestly... BACK TO IT, LIZZIE. You want to stay healthy and happy, and copious amounts of Easter candy, Easter bread, and whatever else are NOT going to get you there. So.

And ALSO... had a moment of royally berating myself over something else. It's like I just HAVE to flog myself over something. I didn't renew our ski passes in time to get the discount. They went up $130!!! That is ridiculous. But on the other hand, I missed the deadline, so.... bummer for me. I'm stupid, right? I kept telling myself this, calling myself an idiot for not doing it yesterday while you were eating too much and reading books and shopping - you moron. And then I kind of stopped the negative talk, and turned it around. No, I forgot. So did Patrick. We're not perfect. We can afford to pay the stupidity tax. No, it's not a stupidity tax, it's just the price, now, we can't go back in time. But you're awesome, you have a lot going on, so just pay the price and move on. So. DH was all "don't worry, don't beat yourself up, let's just get it and move on." And I took his advice. OK! Move on. I bought the pass ($260 mistake - ouch - no don't think about that. Move on.) So that's kind of a big win for me. 

Also, I called my friend that works at new job, he said I'm gonna be just fine, no worries. New Job really is the right thing right now. Brene Brown was on CBS this morning yesterday, she talked about fitting in vs. belonging, and letting go of the criticisms from the people in the cheap seats, who were never going to step into the arena themselves. I am just so happy that I had enough self-worth to truly, ultimately, let Jeffanie's slander go and walk out of that job. Those two are in the cheap seats. Adios. And I never, ever belonged at my old company. I did my best to fit in, but when the company is full of slackers who are just collecting a paycheck, doing the bare minimum, blaming everyone else for their shortcomings - this was not just my boss and coworker, this is systemic to the organization, and, well, I'm NEVER going to fit in at a place like that! I don't want to sit in those CHEAP SEATS. 

I have no idea if I will "belong" at future company, but friend seems to think so, and after the first few conversations and interactions, I feel very optimistic. I have a much greater chance, given that it's a successful organization with driven professionals that actually aspire to do a great job providing a great product. So THAT is what I'm going to focus on going forward. Not letting the cheap seats folks affect me, and keeping my standards in tact while I step into my arena, well, I'm very proud of that. 

Interesting note - Ikon pass guy just called to refund the $260. Yippee skippee. I still feel stupid, but on the other hand, I feel like they did the right thing. I'm happy to support them. Yay, customer service! OK. Now to paint. And ride my bike. And go to dinner with my friends, where I will enjoy a HEALTHY option. Yeah, me. :) 

baby steps - 177.8

So first, the weight here is the weight on my own bathroom scale. I'll take it, as I definitely went over my allotted calories in snacks and wine on my trip. But the real point of this post is...

Let us acknowledge how well I handled the family departure, and all the emotions that came with it. Nephew Buddy was SO CUTE as we were saying goodbye - he said "I will miss you more than anyone, and I wish you could live here, in my house. Wouldn't that be awesome?" Yes, my Buddy, it would. (I mean, your parents may not be thrilled with that arrangement... but hey, we could play a lot more!) And of course, Baby Fat Thing and her smiles are just so sweet! And then my mom and brother, both wanted to take me over to the airport, and brother did it even though he spent ALL DAY sitting in traffic already. My HEART.

So, Brother drops me off at the airport, I go check in, and I start crying, so I head to the bathroom where I can really cry it out. I did. I was so, so sad. I hate leaving them. But I know that I get to come home to Mr. Blueberry Pancakes and Dober Love, and I know that I'm only quite so sad about leaving the others behind because there really is great love there, and that's a good thing. So I dried my tears and went to get to the gate, and pick up some dinner for me to eat on the trip home.

Um, there was also a lot of worry, here - the trip home was likely to be extremely bumpy, due to a big weather system between TPA and DEN. No getting around it, just hope we can fly high enough over it to minimize the turbulence. So I was nervous/anxious about that.

Sadness. Nervousness. Anxiety. Definitely feelings which are NOT the type to give you warm fuzzies. I checked out the food options in the terminal, and bought a salad for dinner because I WILL NOT EAT MY FEELINGS. I think the emotions actually did a number on my appetite, I really wasn't hungry. I did eat some of the salad, which was mostly lettuce and a sprinkle of other veggies, topped with a sliver of salami and a wisp of cheese. But what a win over emotional eating. Yay, me.

The flight was fairly uneventful and actually, Steel Magnolias was the movie I chose, because well I love that movie and haven't seen it in years, and my mom had JUST mentioned it that afternoon, how weird! I was so happy to see Mr. Blueberry Pancakes and Doggy Love, they picked me up (literally and physically!) So life goes on. Proof that yes, I can have the emotions, and carry on without eating the feelings.

Today I'm 177.8, I will go to WW at 9:30. Then sister and I will make Easter bread together. YES! Better get a move on for my day, I suppose :)

new beginnings

Happy spring, my friends. I'm visiting fam in FL this week. First, I'm still struggling with not eating my emotions. Yesterday I explored some wounds (old and new) and then felt all of the things, and Notre Dame was burning, and it got the better of me and I ate All Of the Things. I didn't hate myself for it afterward, but I sure do wish I hadn't done it. But it's kind of OK that I did it, in the sense that I knew something was WRONG. And this is going to sound crazy... but on some level, I feel like I don't deserve the good things I have. I don't deserve the good husband. The good job. My good life. My good friends. My healthy family. And I feel like I'm just not good enough to deserve these things, and surely they will all be taken away (which is true, but will not happen TOMORROW) and I just kind of got overwhelmed by that.

So, today I've been exploring that. And I realize that, yes, nothing is permanent. Good today may be bad tomorrow, but like I said, probably not all at once. Secondly, the good things in my life has NOTHING to do with what I deserve, or don't deserve. What matters here is ONLY that these are the good things in my life. They were not necessarily "bestowed" upon me. I really should just APPRECIATE and ENJOY these good things, because God knows, there are plenty of BAD things. So. Stop focusing on the bad about the good, or the "when these good things get bad" and start to just enjoy and appreciate the good.

Part of that is also about enjoying ME. For the last 24 hours, I've been on my own. I have only ME obligations. Not work, not anything, just ME. I went to dinner with a friend last night. Went to the grocery store. Went for a walk. Watched a cute movie. Woke up and made myself a really delicious healthy breakfast. Went on another walk. Went to lunch with another friend. Now I'm writing. I will go shopping, see family, skate, and pick up my mom from the airport before the day is over. Because I want to. I also ate a BUNCH of snacks last night, which I clearly wish I hadn't done, but that's a moot point today.

Today, I'm focused more on me. I think I really need to be sure that I take care of me. NO ONE ELSE can take care of me as well as I CAN, right now. And, I'm happy about wanting to do it, and so, I'm doing it. Self care looks like quitting a job that's bad for your mental health. Self care looks like spending time with friends and family because you want to, not because you have to. Self care looks like eating healthy foods and moving your body in healthy ways. Self care looks like organizing your house and your life so you can manage it in a way that allows you to enjoy it. So that's what I'm doing.

Incidentally, my bathroom scale read 176 before I left on my trip to FL. I have no idea what I am today, but I do plan to check in to a meeting on Friday. Yea for good choices today. Yea for recognizing the wounds, and working through them, and giving myself some grace when I don't do that as well as I want to. Just yea, yea, yea for all of it. Happy healing, and happy spring.

the struggle is very, very real.

I'm not doing it, weight-loss wise. Everything else in life is going crazy, and the weight loss piece is falling off. I am using food/drink as a crutch. I don't know how to fix this. I feel like I should have it all together. I mean, I made WW Lifetime back in August. Why can't I get back there? Why am I going over my calories every single day? Why am I not choosing to stick to my plans? What is the matter with me?

I feel like these are all the wrong questions. They focus on my failing. Which... I very much feel that I am failing right now.

But, am I? I mean, in this constant chaos... I have generally maintained my weight, even if that number is over my goal. I have been through two character attacks. I have gone on trips. I have quit my job. I have no paycheck. I have no job offer right now.

I think what is going on right now is, I'm not using healthy coping strategies to deal with the stresses in my life. I don't want to do that. I need to just let the emotions run their course, and not use food. I really want to figure out how to navigate LIFE without using FOOD to distract me from the unpleasant experiences and emotions that come with the beauty of LIVING.

Which means... my why is that I want to live my best, healthiest life. I know that's not specific enough. I want to live a completely unlimited life - I want to move easily in the world, to not be self-conscious about how I look, to be able to run and bike and keep up with my active friends and husband. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible so that I can enjoy as much life as possible. Now, those things... those are my real reasons. I want to experience ALL of life. And yes, that means the bad parts, but there are also many GOOD parts. I want no distractors.

I don't want to be a "fair weather loser." I want my weight to remain constant and healthy, even in times of trouble.

I know I said yesterday (or whenever I wrote my last post) that I want to get to goal on April 19. Well, I take that back. I want to get myself back to healthy in whatever amount of time it takes me. And I want to actively work on staying there. It is honestly kind of a WIN that I am within 5 pounds of goal weight range, so let's just chip away at getting back there, and keep in mind that my why is to be the healthiest version of ME so that I can fully enjoy my life. That means being the best swimmer, cyclist, skier, runner I can be, and that is a lot easier to do with less weight on my frame. I'm worth the effort. My life experience is my why. I want to be as healthy as possible so that I can soak up all the experiences life has to offer.

And now, I'd better get to it.

Here's a great article about overcoming emotional eating: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shrink/201206/five-strategies-overcoming-emotional-eating

new beginnings

So, I quit my job last month. Boss did it again, HR ambush, coworker lying about me... I gave it 24 hours before I turned in my two weeks notice. Best decision I ever made, after marrying Patrick.

I don't have another job lined up, but I have an awesome job on the horizon. My last round of interviews is this week. I never, ever would have had the confidence to go for this job if I hadn't worked with a friend of my sister's to get things in order. He helped me realize I am, indeed, AWESOME. And it helps that one of my most favorite professionals is currently working as a consultant at the company, and recommended me for the job. He knows me, he knows them, this is a win for everyone. I can't believe I'm a candidate. But then, I see how I'm exactly the RIGHT candidate. So that is great news.

I gained 5 pounds over Christmas/New Year's. I have not yet lost it. I've been doing things like drinking more than one drink a day, eating snacks even though I know I'm over calories. To be 100% honest, though, I think it is a real win that during this terribly stressful 6 months with the work situation, if I only gained 5 pounds, well, that is a real WIN. But. I have a goal now:

I want to be back in my WW goal weight range (176) by Good Friday. That is 19 days from now. 1.5 pounds per week. I can absolutely do that.

Time for chores, and then shopping for my interview attire. I can actually wear something I already have, I think, so I may just go shopping in my own closet. :)

So. Happy spring, I'm excited for new things. New job (whether or not I get the one I'm going for, how I spend my weekdays is NEW) and healthier me. I'll be posting soon about the good questions to ask myself for improvements, but like I said a moment ago, time for chores.