charts and graphs and ergs oh my - 171.2

So, keeping with the theme of numbers, and the fact I am at a one+ year low on my bathroom scale... I am posting this chart to remind my future self what actual work and actual weight loss looks like. This is a one-month period, and I have gone from 177.2 to 171.2 - which is 1.5 pounds per week on average. Check out those fluctuations, though! Just keep that in mind.

March is a hard month for me. I wrote this on another blog the other night:

I forget how hard March is for me. Mentally, that is. It's the anniversary of my dad's death. He basically dropped on my mom's birthday, was in ICU for 7 days then another 5 after we pulled him off life support. So this is a trying 2-week period. I'm smack in the middle of it, and being that it has been 10 years there are a LOT of FEELS going on. I am uncomfortable. But the feelings will pass. I'm trying to consciously FEEL them.

[...]

In any case. I didn't drink the wine. I thoroughly enjoyed the show through my tears and even laughed a lot. I got home and didn't make a drink or have peanut butter or anything - just stuck to my plan because I want to be a lighter bicyclist and ride up to Ft. Collins like IT IS NOTHING come the end of June. I'm happy with my choice. I'm sad about my dad, but as the guy on stage last night said... "Life is for the living." I am happy I'm out experiencing it.

And two days after originally writing that, well, the feelings are passing. It's hard, but I'm happy to be here experiencing life. And then funny things happen, like randomly this morning, the radio DJ on an alternative station said "Today is Roger Whittaker's birthday!" and then was joking about how your parents may have forced you to listen to him. Dad LOVED that guy. He does have a lovely voice. Kind of nice after Monday, and yesterday, being so tough. Today is better. The emotions DID pass. I don't want to eat all the things or drink all the alcohol, and I didn't the past 2 days. My want to be the best bicyclist I can be at the end of June trumped that. This is a win - a real win - not using food or alcohol to cope. Just let it be, and let it pass - it *will* pass.

Other things of note: a pretty relative stranger said to me "I don't want to say you are oversensitive, but you are very hard on yourself, and it may be getting in your way. Don't overthink it." INTERESTING. This is something a lot of people have told me, related to various areas of my life. I know it is true, and I feel like I have been working on it, but clearly it is still something that affects me. I can work on that a little more.

And, lastly - this morning I pulled a 2K in 8:42.3. Just to see. Next time I'm going for under 8:40.9...

Happy Wednesday, everyone - we're halfway to the weekend!

numbers - 172.8 / 175.2

The other day someone posted on Connect that they didn't like the mental beating they gave themselves when the number on the scale went up. I think I'm suffering from the same.

Bathroom scale said 172.8 in my pjs this morning. WW scale said 175.2 in jeans. Bath scale is down... WW scale is up... I still feel badly. I want the WW number to go down. I am not sure what to do about the feeling. But perhaps I am getting too involved in the numbers. I did go well over calories twice this past week, and ate peanut butter (unmeasured) the last few nights. So I know why the scale is where it is... and if I am really serious about losing weight to be a better biker, I need to GET SERIOUS about it and make changes.

Speaking of CHANGE... another thing I read on Connect - there is a woman who gets up every day at 5AM and spends an hour in the gym, she calls it "MY hour." She does a combo of cardio and weights, and she does it six days a week. I am considering this. My friend in Atlanta does the same thing. It's kind of what you have to do, if that's really what you want. I like how I look - I want to LOVE how I look.

Also speaking of things I have never done... today is St. Patrick's Day and the girls at work want to go out for Mexican lunch. I have planned to eat the chips and a bean tostada - I'll maybe add a side salad, maybe not.

Happy Friday St. Patrick's Day, all!

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After scrolling through my recent posts, I realize that both the bathroom and WW scale are up. I DO need to make changes. Real change... looks like MY HOUR will be a real thing starting tomorrow!

peanut butter bread, wine, and spirals - 173.2

Good morning, after a not-so-great night. Again, I want to put this out here so that I don't forget how hard this whole weight loss thing actually is. Because it's mental. And making lasting psychological change is not something that happens overnight.

Yesterday started out OK. My current workload is HEAVY. I have a big deadline this week for a multi-month project. I've been managing it, but my current manager gets in the way, and then blames everyone except himself for any issues. The guy stresses me (and everyone) out, and he did a really good job of that yesterday. In addition to his antics, I had to stay at the office late to wrap up this project, so I missed my spin class - gah! No workout!!

DH and I were trying to figure out what to do as I drove home. I was angry at boss for being absent for this project, then way too involved at the end. I was angry at myself for sticking with this stupid job that I hate doing. I was angry I missed spin. I really wanted to drink a glass of wine, but I did not have the calories unless I worked out. And I really didn't feel like working out. But I could go for a run, even a short one. I voiced all of this to DH and we decided we'll figure it out once I'm actually home.

So I get home and DH says "let's just make dinner and walk the dog." I think DH was trying to help me - he knows that when I am stressed and also tired, exercising does not help, it just further exhausts me. He is not wrong. I agreed to his plan. We ate the planned dinner, and I had my glass of wine on top of it which put me over the calories. Fine. Moving on. But then as we were eating, I said aloud that "I really wish it were not Lent, because I really want some chocolate."

I did not eat any chocolate. We clean up from dinner, walk the dog and come back. I start to vent to DH again about being sad about my dad, being stressed with work, and DH walks out of the room. JUST DISAPPEARS in the middle of my sentence. This is not uncommon for him. One of our major issues is that he doesn't listen to me when I'm talking. Granted, I talk A LOT. And I am sure I had already said everything I was saying, but I got really upset that he left as I was, well, pouring my heart out to him.

So. I left the TV room and went into the bedroom. I scrolled FaceBook and Connect. I tried to not be too bothered because, well, that's what DH does. And then I realized, he should know that he did it. I mean, how can he fix it if he's not even aware he's doing it, right? So, I went to the kitchen and told him. I was abrupt about it, just said I was having an important conversation and he just up and left in the middle of it.

He said he was sorry. He had left to make me some decaf, he'd said we should have that instead of chocolate. So, it's not like I wasn't on his mind or he, you know, doesn't love me... he just doesn't pay attention to me, and I need attention. I left the kitchen and went back to the bedroom and tried not to let my thoughts spiral.

He brought the coffee to me. He apologized again and thanked me for telling him, and that he'd try focusing again on changing this behavior. I explained I knew it was just something he did... and actually felt pretty good about not letting my thoughts spiral! I felt better. And then I went into the kitchen and got some bread. And some peanut butter. And started eating it. He came stomping in, and I asked what he was doing? He was grinning as he said it was his "quiet loud walk - I didn't want to interrupt any chocolate parties." And then he joined my peanut-butter-bread party.

So I was already over calories, and I went a little more over, and I feel badly about doing that but tried not to let THAT spiral too badly, either. I decided on taking the UPWARD spiral. I worked out this morning, had a healthy breakfast and lunch, got all my work done. I feel pretty good. It's OK to spiral, but you have to catch yourself and go the right way as quickly as you can... which is what I did. It really is BABY STEPS, folks!

Happy Wednesday...

scary stuff - 171.8 (my scale)

So I started thinking about the fact that I have never gotten to my goal. I have never lost the last 10 pounds. I get to about where I am right now and can't break through. So I turned to my favorite source of inspiration these days, the interwebs, and searched for things related to change and getting to the next level.

Anyhow I found this quote in the photo here. And I thought about it and promptly started freaking out. I mean, there it is! I have never gotten to goal, so I will have to do things I have never done! I will have to *work harder* than I have been. I will have to *eat less* than I have been. I will have to *move more* than I have been. How the hell am I going to do that when I can barely manage what I am doing right now? I mean, stop snacks? Cut carbs? Black coffee? No alcohol? Cardio every day - I don't WANT cardio every day!

So I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to change what I was doing - a life without my current routine and some tacos and pizza here and there was not a life I wanted.

But. I did want to lose more weight, so I can be a better bicyclist. And I'd love it if I didn't see that extra layer of fat around my middle when I look in the mirror. I have the fat to lose. I'm not super lean. But if I *really* want that, what am I going to change to get it? Do I really have to give up pizza? Thinking about it gave me another mini heart attack.

And then while driving home from work, I got sad about losing my dad and how my fairy godmother's health is bad, too. I don't want her to go yet - I'm so far away from her. And then my car blew up on the side of the road. And yet, I was able to get it to the dealership and meet DH for our annual triathlon club kick off meeting, where I turned down my friend's offer to buy me a glass of wine. And, I didn't eat all the things. I made a plate with mostly healthy stuff and had a bite of DH's guac, with one chip. I didn't eat any sugar (no sugar during lent, but still, no sugar). I went home, completely freaked out about car, races, life, loved ones dying, etc, and made some herbal tea. I didn't eat any peanut butter, or cheese, or ANYTHING. I just drank my tea, acknowledged I was completely freaked out and let it be.

So here I am today - the day after I DID the things I was so dreading and saying I didn't want to do in my quest to get to goal of a being a better biker. Don't think... just do... and repeat. One step, one meal, one day at a time. The only thing I have to focus on is the next decision. I did that last night. I will keep doing it, and these things I've never done, so that I get that GOAL thing I've never had.

looking for the flowers - 177.2

Or in this case, the beautiful view on my ride to and from the job site this week. The whole flight was one long sweeping vista just like this, and I was lucky to witness it.

So after my last post the universe kept going toward MORE chaos. I got a call from my aunt that night. She was worried about my mom and asking me to do something about it - this was the day after my Grandma called to say the same. I am so far from my mom and I really am sorry I'm not closer to her where I can easily jump in to help. But I called my mom and we talked and she's ok - good, even! I offered to fly her out here for Mother's Day so that she has something to look forward to in the near future. I really hope she comes!

And then things started to settle. The plumbing problem got fixed. I chipped away at my work projects. I worked out and ate as I planned. And then yesterday I got *a lot* done for work. I feel better about the project, but still concerned. I'm basically just doing as I am told. It will be ok.

Work held a barbecue at lunch one day this week - I am still fairly mindless when it comes to barbecues. Like, I just forget about goals entirely and fill up my plate. I would like to work on being conscious and pausing before I do that.

Lent began on Wednesday, I am sugar free until Easter. I reach for sugar often, so it's actually a nice reminder how blessed I am and to consider that so many people do not even have a sugary thing to eat, if they wished - I can sacrifice for forty days.

This morning I went to my WW meeting up by the office. I did stick to my goals all week (despite the bbq fluke) and lost 1.2 pounds. Was it easy? Not really, but keeping my WHY in the forefront of my mind did help.

Sister comes this weekend, and DH and I are planning to get our first ski day in. I am EXCITED! I also think that tonight we should go dancing - seems like a much better way of burning calories than spending time on the erg. :)

Bottom line for this week: someone once said "If you're standing in a field, you can look for the weeds and bugs, or you can look for the flowers, it's up to you what you see." This week I have been actively looking for the flowers. That shift is helping many areas of my life.

Happy Friday!