utter chaos

This too shall pass. Work projects have blown up. Plumbing problem, finish construction project, sign up for BikeMS, bills, family stress, husband stress, trying to lose weight in the middle of it all. Deep breaths. I'm just writing it all down here quickly to make my plan of attack.

House - almost done. Need to order shelves and schedule Jim to finish. So close. You have a lot of work to do, but honestly there is NO RUSH to get it done. Maybe call Vivax the week of March 20 to get a quote for painting upstairs. So, after you call Jim today, just leave it alone until then.

Work - Gearboxes Module 2 will be 75% complete this week, leaving us all next week for Module 3. Second Oracle Overtime video project... tbd how that will go, but talking with Kathy on Thursday about it. Also need to put together info for PMP certification. Will do that Friday 3/3.

Bills - currently paid. Stop stressing. You don't need to spend any money this week. Just don't, other than ordering shelves for bath.

Mom - nothing you can do, honestly, but call her at night.

Husband - you had the chat about "shutting it down" and how you are sorry, stop worrying about it. You're going to spin together tonight and having a nice dinner. Enjoy. Wednesday is another day and now that you'll have things worked out a little in your head, you can enjoy the time with him.

Weight loss - the really excellent thing is, my WHY is saving me and keeping me focused on losing weight. I pre-track. I stick to it - so far for three days in a row. Even with pizza and burgers. GO ME! You can have it all, just not at the same time, and just a little planning goes a long way.

Alright. Here goes, first a call to the contractor to discuss the house, then more on Module 2 development. I really am stressed out and feel that things are utterly chaotic. Determined to stick to my whys...

HAPPY MARDI GRAS! With all that is going on, I didn't plan any Mardi celebrations. Well, laissez les bon temps roulez. :)

what's your why - 178.4

Today's WW meeting was the first I've been to in a month (I'm up 2 pounds) and it was incredibly interesting. First, the normal leader was not there so we had a sub. I vaguely remembered seeing her before, but it wasn't until she told the story of her bike accident and having to have her jaw wired shut three years ago that I really remembered who she was! I like her a lot, because, well, BIKER... and she's also very funny and easy to relate to. Anyhow, she talked about "finding your why" and shared her why, which was that she wanted to be the best cyclist she could be.

And I thought about the BikeMS ride that I wanted to sign up for... the pic here is me doing it last year, it was a LOT of fun - look how HAPPY I am! I hadn't signed up for this year's ride yet. And I thought about the Gourmet Classic bike ride in Santa Fe this fall. I kind of wanted to do that ride, too. So I thought, well I want to do these two fun bike rides and yes, they're difficult but also fully supported and super fun. And then I thought - there is my why. I want to ride these rides with EASE. I want to pedal right up those hills like it's nothing, while I'm enjoying the scenery and food and cookies and all that comes with it, but I want to be able to do it EASILY - like I'm just toolin' around God's Country on my bike with some friends.

So I went and signed up to do the BikeMS ride this June. I also looked at signing up for the Gourmet Classic - registration is not open yet, but I put the date on my calendar. And BAM just like that, I have my why and am working toward it! I am so happy I went to the meeting today. :)

Happy Friday, Friends!

Goals - 178.0

I would say I have a goal to lose one pound this week, but I have no idea where I currently am. Although, that's not a true statement - my bathroom scale this morning said 178.0. So by Friday morning, I want to see 177.0 or less on that scale. OK, I can start there.

Workout tonight will be to lift with my love. Then, fish, veggies (spinach) and sweet potato for dinner.

Spin tomorrow night. Trainer Wednesday. Erg or run Thursday morning. BAM! Workouts are planned.

Dinner tomorrow will be homemade burgers. And veggies. Can have leftovers for lunch on Wed.

Dinner Thursday will be House Anniversary Dinner. :)  Which means, go to meeting Thursday morning. Workout right after work - run up near office?

A strange thing happened this weekend. I let myself get WAY too hungry to be able to function on Sunday afternoon... then ice cream was the only option, but as I stood in line (we met people there, everyone else had eaten) I was so upset to be in line by myself. I just wanted to eat - anything - but I didn't want everyone looking at me. And here is the important part - I *felt like* everyone was staring at me, because I was the fat girl in line for ice cream, and that they were all judging me and about to laugh at me, so I jumped out of line and ran into the bathroom. It didn't take long for me to figure out no one was *actually* laughing at me, nor would they - I knew that was not what was actually happening. I collected myself, left the bathroom and went back to the line. My friend and my husband got into line with me, at that point. But I was shocked at my initial reaction and subsequent escape. I know the only judgement was coming from me. I know that it was not unreasonable for me to walk in and to get in line, I was hungry, we were there for ice cream. There was definitely some sort of shame going on. I'm not sure what to do with it, but now I know it's there. And it was weird and I did not like it.

In any case, it's Monday. One pound by Friday. I can do it.

it's a new day

And I have chosen to make the most of it. Yesterday is finished, thank goodness. My day did not improve after I left the office. I ruined Valentine's Day for myself - but not for DH. In the end, we did have pasta and a glass of wine together, and made a manageable plan to make progress on the house for the rest of the week. DH is really wonderful. I am so lucky to have him as my partner for life!

House stress is getting mitigated, I cleaned last night and like I said, we made a plan for the week and the impending house guests (who I am *very* excited to see!!) I was just so overwhelmed with all we had to do, but after talking it out with DH I realized it will be OK!

This morning I woke up and worked out, planned my food, and have taken some positive steps toward changing my work situation. Work projects are on track, opportunities exist and I'm going for them.

My sister will be in town this weekend, it's her birthday. I was upset I didn't have a card or a cake or any plans, but I have taken care of all THAT, too, and I'm so happy I get to see her tomorrow!

I am still disappointed with how I handled my stress yesterday, but I think it is important to acknowledge that I snapped out of my downward spiral in a few hours, not a few days. I feel good about making progress with my resiliency, and overall I do feel a lot better about things today.

I'll get there...

Valentine's Day

I just ate three Valentine's Day donuts... they were specialty donuts and super delish... but... THREE? That's not exactly how someone who loves herself and wants to be healthy would treat herself. I am not exactly sure what is going on.

I have work stress - I don't like what I do or who I work for.

I have house stress - everything is a mess, we have guests coming this weekend, we have a freaking MATTRESS on the LIVING ROOM FLOOR right now.

It's Valentine's Day and DH loves me pretty much more than anyone could be loved (and I do not deserve it!) but he's not a 'celebrate the day' kind of guy - for ANY day - and I am, and so I feel a little like I want a celebration, so, what, I eat three damn donuts?

I also stepped on the scale this morning (after breakfast) and was frightened by the number I saw.

I am not really having a great Valentine's Day. I feel sad, overwhelmed and frustrated in multiple areas of my life. I really wish I were better at handling life when things go badly.

Tonight I'm going to spin with DH. That's our Valentine's Day.

bikini on the beach

I wrote this post for WW Connect on Wednesday:  

This is me. In a bikini, on a beach in South Florida which (despite what you see in the photo) had A LOT of people on it. I am so happy that I am doing 'jazz hands.' And then I just read Lady Gaga's response to those who took to body-shaming her at the Superbowl, and guess what? I am #proudofmybody and you should be proud of yours, too. 😘  

--- 

(That last sentence is a direct quote from Lady Gaga.)

The article the quote came from is here.