So. I do this thing where I think something bad is happening (usually something bad IS actually happening) and then my mind thinks that I am the CAUSE of this bad thing (usually I am NOT the cause of Bad Thing, just a witness to it) and then my mind takes itself on a joyride that just SNOWBALLS really really quickly and suddenly the bad thing is a terrible thing is a horrible crippling soul-sucking mass-destruction-inflicting THING that I have created (but in reality, I have NOT created it) and now I - and everyone near me - cannot escape.
This is destructive. And exhausting. And definitely not good for me nor those who are close to me. Luckily I've had some counseling around this, so I do have some tools but sometimes, man, that joyride just starts and I'm on it, even though I definitely don't want to be.
So that is what happened on Sunday. And I figured it out fairly quickly, so the carnage was minimal. But, there was carnage. I had to do a lot of apologizing - to myself, to my husband, to my doggy love who was nice enough to stick rightbymyside the whole time because he knew I was upset. (Actually doggy love needs no apologies, he just got lots of free pets. But still, I felt badly as he followed me around.) And I felt really silly because even though Bad Thing happened, the resulting fallout was purely a ridiculous incident of my own creation.
As this Bad Thing was happening, I didn't work out, I didn't track, and today the scale is up and I'm sad I let that happen. I am sure it will go down some, but a three-day detour is not really great for getting to my goals. This type of terrible thinking is definitely something I need to learn to deal with a little more quickly - I'm working on that.
I can't remember the last time I let my head take it to a completely unwarranted DEFCON-5 type of level and I really hope it doesn't happen again anytime soon. My saving grace about this episode is that I recognized it for what it was within a few hours (as opposed to the DAYS it usually takes me to figure out what's really going on). But even so, I still self-destructed and it took a while to clean up the chaos and get myself back on track - in several areas of my life, not just with weight loss. Today I'm back and I think it's important that I at least acknowledge that a) this happened and b) I'm getting better about dealing with it and c) I've still got work to do - but I can, will, and AM doing that work.
Keep on keepin' on, friends. :)
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