belief - 174.2

Weight loss success begins with the belief you can do it. I follow some women on WW media, they are a few years older than I am, and they look amazing. And honestly, if they can, WHY NOT ME?

DH took a pic of me at the top of Waterton Canyon a couple weeks ago. While I haven't gained weight during Covid, my body compostion has changed. The pic sparked me to start the Outside Magazine Shape of Your Life program. If you have been out of any routine or just want to get started, this is the workout plan for you. I forgot how informational the articles are, too. In any case, I'm 2 weeks in, my LT is 164 as of the test on Friday, and I feel so much better just taking small steps toward healthier me.

In other news, somehow I'm hanging in there at work. New boss is fine, he seems like a nice guy. I know the right answer, though, is to go. For whatever reason, I am conflicted about DOING that. But, THE STRESS. I really don't want this. I just don't know how to bow out gracefully.

It's ten million degrees outside. Today's activities were biking to breakfast that did not work out, but the dog had a total meltdown... then driving to a GREAT breakfast. Then washing the car, it was only 8.5 million degrees then and there was water involved...

I need to get my act together for the things I WANT to do. But at least now I totally believe I'm going to lose the weight and look amazing. I am going to do the things I need to do, follow the fitness plan, stick to the food plan, and WATCH MYSELF CHANGE.

August in Fires and COVID - 177.6

 Everything is on fire. Literally. California and Colorado are burning. There is so much smoke and bad air. And everything is just HARD.

On the other hand, I am exceptionally good at maintaining my 177 pounds. I started this blog a million years ago, wanting to lose 20 pounds, and here I am, exactly at the same place. At least I'm not gaining. 

My job is too demanding and I'm having a very hard time managing it. I get a new boss on Monday. And yet.

I'm too tired to write any more, but I just wanted to check in and here I see I'm Super Star Maintainer. At this point, I'll take it.

forward - 177.6

I think it starts with whatever happened last time I wrote. You hit the wall. You and your broken heart fall all the way down. And you look at it. You feel it. You see you as YOU, as a person just as you see others. You have compassion, and if you can't have compassion for others you aren't going to have it for yourself, either.

The thing that has changed the most for me over time is how much compassion I have for OTHER PEOPLE and how much less I JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE. Because how I treat them, I treat myself. And how I treat myself, so I treat them. What if this is all really about just being a better person, to everyone? Like, if you can just love everyone, and let go of the stress and the ego, then maybe you can just... evolve in every possible way? Spiritually, mentally and phyiscally.

AND THERE IT IS. We are all connected. I can feel it, I know this. But I think I never put it together like that.

Since my last post, I've just carried on toward the good. I apologized again to DH, not in a fit of tears or despair like the night that all happened. But the next day, I told him, matter-of-fact, that I am surprised this is still an issue with me and that I will continue to work on it, and that I'm happy I was able to see what it was pretty immediately rather than let it go into a week-long spiral of 'why doesn't he love or support me?' and the subsequent list of reasons why I wouldn't deserve it if he did. Toxic, toxic thoughts that I was able to work through and push away in an evening, not in a week, or more. I'm proud of my progress, there.

I had a hard week at work - they're all hard weeks - but good, too. My job is difficult to manage, and I certainly don't like the level of stress that comes with it. But I didn't eat or drink too much to cope with it at all last week. However, I am also kind of tired of having a job that makes it difficult to manage my mental state. Like, I am tapped out and exhausted and thinking of only how I can do what I do BETTER. (Which, actually is a positive sign that I really do enjoy what I'm doing.) But the stress is hard, the mental toll is hard and I am left with very little energy for anything else. And that's what I'm having the most difficult time with in this weird coronavirus patch of existence. I lashed out at my sister because I let my work stress get the better of me - I just took it out on her. I apologized to her immediately and she was gracious. But this is a sign, for me, that something must change.

In any case, this week I'm down 2 pounds. I am changing my eating to move from sugar/alcohol in general. Not to cut it completely, but definitely moderate. I do work it in now, but with the virus, I just think it's probably better to make sure I am filling my body with the best possible nutrients. Some of which can certainly be found in wine, of course. But overall, just... healthier foods. I switched to following the "Purple" plan in WW. I haven't tracked there, free foods and portions have historically been a challenge for me, but I'm 2 days into this and am cautiously optimistic as I really like my food choices. It's hard not to just go for some jellybeans but I'm trying to take the long view. With everything. But this time with WW, I think I have a different approach. Like, an "I want to, and I CAN." And so, there I go. Forward.

unpacking - 179.6

Funny I can't believe it's been nearly 6 months since I posted, but given what's gone on these past 6 months, well, I totally get how I haven't been back here. Right now we're all in coronavirus lockdown. It's been an interesting adaptation to life, and now that we're a month in I can say I am determined NOT to get, or GAIN, the Covid-19. But that's a whole 'nother post. So let's get to this one, shall we?

UNPACKING. The emotional kind - all that baggage and boxes of whatever that has been slowing me down or suppressing my potential, the stuff I've been carrying around in my mind since, well, forever. I honestly thought I had done a pretty good job of working through it, really digging in and doing the work. I had a great therapist help, I sought out ways of letting go, and actually went through unpacking the mess and working through it and either tossing it or putting it away in a much more manageable way so that I can carry on with my life. For the most part, it is true that I did do a good job with this, and that's an important acknowledgement. But last night I got quite the surprise that I am still dragging a big heavy box with me.

DH ordered an entrée from our favorite Italian place, a takeout meal for us to split. One meal, two people. I put it all out a nice dish, divided in two, and we sat down at the table. I took my half and put it on my plate, and DH then divided what was left into two parts and put one of the parts on his plate. The entire entrée portion was definitely a two-person portion, but not a four-person portion. Or, that's what I thought. I looked down at my plate. My half-entrée looked like a normal portion of food, but watching DH take only half of what I had taken, well, no wonder I'm fat.

But I reasoned with myself. 'Liz, this is a NORMAL portion of food, and his is small, he's just eaten two granola bars, nuts and a banana, so don't worry. What you are eating is within your calories for the day. What he is eating is his choice. Now, bon Appetit.'

And I really, really tried to make that little voice of reason stick, as I wolfed down my delicious dinner. I was STARVING. I could have eaten the entire portion, and I said that out loud. And DH said "Well you ran this morning, no wonder you're hungry." So then I said "Are you going to eat the other half of yours?" and he said, "No, I just need half, it's a big piece."

My heart sank straight down through the floor and into the basement, as all of the air sucked out of the room. NO WONDER I'M FAT.

I pushed my chair from the table as I stood and picked up my empty plate, then dropped it into the kitchen sink on my way straight down the stairs. I thought I'd be able to pick up my broken heart, but instead I flopped down in the bean bag chair, me, my tears and soon the doggie. DH did nothing wrong, and here I was crying after what was supposed to be a nice fun quarantine date.

When he said what a big piece that was, it sparked the memory of every meal with my family telling me that I eat too much, no wonder I'm fat. And he did nothing of the sort, my feelings were not his fault at all. To him, he'd already eaten two granola bars, a banana and some nuts, so the dinner really was big for him. And I knew mine was a normal portion, a split entrée, and I had plenty of calories left for the day since I'd planned it in. Yet here I was, sobbing in the basement while my sweet doggie pawed at me and told me in his silent doggie way that he loved me no matter what, and that he didn't want me to be sad. I didn't want to be sad either. I told him I'd take him for a walk.

DH came downstairs to ask what was wrong. I told him it was nothing he had done, and I was sorry but every time someone said something like he did, when I was a kid, that the next line was "No wonder you're fat." I told him I know that's my problem, he didn't do anything wrong, and I was sorry I wasn't past that. I told him I wanted to go for a walk and I'd take the dog. I tried to give the doggie ear drops before we left, but he wasn't having it and I didn't have the patience, so I just left. And I walked around my neighborhood, 2 miles in the dark, by myself. No phone, no ID, no nothing. Just me and my jacket and my broken heart.

I truly wish this were not still a thing with me - that there wasn't this food shame that just shows up and wrecks nice nights. I don't know how to unpack this bag. I walked around with it last night and cried about it outside, in the middle of my city neighborhood where absolutely no one else was walking and where if anything had happened to me, there would be no way to ID my body and DH would have to call the morgues to find me. I was utterly alone, and I was happy for it.

I know that I need to love myself before anyone else can. I know I need to find out how to unpack this, but I just don't know how to do that. I thought I had done it, but clearly it is still with me. I have nightmares where my nephew says he doesn't want to hang out with me because I'm fat, where my brother says he doesn't want me to come on the boat because I'm fat, where I'm invited to a boat picnic and my sister-in-law shows up all tanned and chiseled and topless with her perfect body and her two kids (that I never got to have, because I'm fat) on her hip, and everyone pretends it's ok that I'm there too because I'm the sister so even though I'm fat they make an exception. How the hell do you get rid of this stuff that shows up LIKE THIS in your subconscious?

I don't know. But I can be aware of it and not stuff it down with food or alcohol. I'm happy I walked last night and cried my heart out about it all along 17th Avenue Parkway. I'm happy that I came back and made myself *A* bourbon drink, as I had planned, as was in my calories for the day. I'm happy that I was able to say to DH this morning that I was sorry I had ruined our nice night, and that I am sorry I still don't know how to get past this thing.

So there it is. I can see it. I can see I need to unpack it. And I can see that I don't know how. But on the bright side, I do love a challenge. So. Here we go.

Normalcy, parties and inspiration - 177

Well that just goes to show it's never really as bad as you think it is. I went to a WW meeting last week. I was dreading the scale. I was 179.4. YESSSSSSS! That's the right decade, and I had really worked at it so I was very happy (and surprised) to see the number. And then Saturday I stepped on my bathroom scale to see I was 177. Feeling like me again. Also feeling like I absolutely cannot skip my daily workouts, 6 out of 7 days. Like Nike says, I have to JUST DO IT. It's interesting, in the WW materials for their new program(s) rollout, there's a stat in there from the US Dept. of Health and Human Services that regular activity is the single best predictor for who will keep weight off after losing it. So that's pretty good motivation.

We went to a party last night at Sister's new place. I had 3 drinks in the 4 hours we were there. I honestly didn't eat a ton of food and I tracked it all, but still ended up spending 30 points (basically a day's worth) while there. I'm treating it like a dry run, like I did pretty well overall, and I know that I need about 30 points if I'm going to indulge. It was a very good baseline. The needle for a party can probably go up or down, but at least I have a starting point.

Toward the end of the night their old neighbors stopped by. They're super nice, and they had just gone on a date so they looked fantastic, both of them. As we were all talking I realized that she's my rabbit - like that's what I'm chasing. She looked great, just healthy and fit and a good medium build, and it was kind of inspiring to see her and think "wow, I'm on my way to looking like that." Don't get me wrong I am happy with how I look now, but it's good to know that I'm on the path. And I kind of want to give myself the present of the healthiest version of me by Christmas. So that's what I am going to do.

With that, I'm off to get my regular activity for the day. Oh yeah, I also got a bad haircut yesterday, which is disappointing. I will try to live with it for a week to see if it really is bad. If I'm not happy by next weekend, I'll give her a call to see what we can do.

On success, failure and 18X

I didn't want to post anything at all, because there is an 8 in the wrong place. And, I have no idea what the X is. 

But can I just for a minute say that I am super proud of myself. I am so grateful that I stood up and left my last job. I don't regret it one bit. And thank God for the terrible experience - truly, because it did make me stronger. Last week in my "new" job, I laid out the plan for a big initiative, and we pitched it to our VP. According to my boss and director, we got the best possible reaction from him. We have to run it by the partner groups involved, and then he'll take it to our CEO/CFO for approval. It's a million dollar project. My boss thanked me over and over for the great job, and made sure everyone knew I laid it out. I couldn't have done it without help. I did a lot of the work, yes, but I had a lot of help, too. That's why it was so good. And I am just so very grateful for the opportunity. This really is the hardest and best job I ever had. And six months in I'm starting to get it. I see what we need. I see where I can help. I see our strengths and weaknesses as a group, and my own strengths and weaknesses. This really was one of the best weeks of my working life, and I want to acknowledge it.

So, I am at least 5 lbs over goal. I don't want to face the scale. I don't want to work at it. But I don't want to let it go. I think I NEED to face the scale. I need to take it all in, head on. Which means, I'm gonna go look up a meeting right now.

Happy November. Here's to 17X by the end of it. 

the meaning of the universe - 17X

That's my age, today. And I'm somewhere in the neighborhood of 175 pounds. To be 100% honest there is zero chance of me stepping on the scale, as I had bbq ribs yesterday AND pizza and the number still does affect me - just not as much (and for not as long) as it used to. But 17X I am good with.

So. Let's talk about how awesome this body I've had for 42 years is.

- It has carried me up many mountain hikes, and then carried me safely back down.
- It has rowed me down rivers of beautiful fall foliage and across lakes all over the east coast.
- It has run countless 5Ks, 10Ks, 2 half marathons, and sprint and Olympic triathlons, and allowed me to completely enjoy the party that goes on during each race.
- It has transported me up the hill to visit the giant Buddha in Hong Kong.
- It has walked full days through all of the boroughs of New York, the landmarks in London, museums in Paris, the hills of San Francisco, up the Spanish Steps and all over the holy landmarks and gelaterias of Rome, and through the gleaming city streets of Chicago from dawn until 2AM.
- It has danced. Everywhere, and A LOT. Especially in my kitchen, these days.
- It has skied down and across so many snowy mountains.
- It has skipped through magical adventures at Disney World for days at a time.
- It has ridden a bike across the desert in New Mexico, up giant mountain passes, from town to town in Colorado, on rolling hills in Georgia, to work in multiple states, and all around Davis Island with very dear friends.

And for all that, my body deserves all the accolades I can possibly come up with, and I have nothing but gratitude for what it's done for me over the past 4 decades it could move on it's own. I want to continue being able to do all these things for the next 42 years. Happy birthday to this body, the house of my soul. :)