on body image and utter ridiculousness

Last weekend I attended a wedding in the Florida Keys. It was really wonderful, the entire weekend was fantastic except for one little segment.

Here are 2 photos (which I really like) that were taken of me while at the wedding:

These pictures were taken JUST before I had a pretty good meltdown over how badly I believe I look these days. The meltdown could have been sparked by the effects of either the drinks I'd had or a residual jellyfish sting reaction... but some of it is, well, definitely attributed to unexplainable self-loathing.

DH's response: I don't even want to acknowledge this ridiculousness, so I'm not saying anything.

I get his reaction, I really do - NOW. That day, I did not understand his reaction - but four days and two fantastic photos later, I have no explanation or justification for the absurdity of the garbage that was coming out of my mouth. But, the garbage was coming out of my mouth and I never want that to happen again. I'm not perfect, I will never BE perfect and that's OK. (After all, only God is perfect.) But I am working on improving myself, and that is wonderful.

My little episode lasted only fifteen minutes, but it was a brutal fifteen minutes and a blemish on what was, otherwise, a spectacular vacation. I have since talked with DH about my issue with myself and this particular incident. He was great. He agreed to help me make the "U-turn" in my thought pattern if I even start going down that road. I have decided to make a conscious effort to stop any negative self-talk - in my head and especially out loud.

This is... NOT an easy thing to deal with and it is NOT a change which will not happen overnight, but I'm happy we talked about it and that I can see how ridiculous it is. My goal is to work toward being able to recognize that I'm being ridiculous and do the U-turn myself as those thoughts are happening. At least I'm aware of The Crazy, so I think that is a step in the right direction.

I feel like as I lose weight, my image of myself has become worse, and I want to stop that trend. I think this is important to acknowledge because it really is one of the tougher things to deal with on a weight loss journey. I know many others go through it, too.

I'm working on it!