Gain Lessons

I am up 1.8 pounds this week according to the Weight Watchers [and my own bathroom] scale. I could attribute the gain to the thick socks and heavy sweater I was wearing, but really I expected that the scale would be up. So, what did I learn this week?

I learned that no matter what Weight Watchers says about having those "extra" weekly points [calories] available, I should not use more than 20 of them if I want to see real losses on the scale. Basically, I ate more calories this week than I should have. I think my points level [calorie level] should be at the LOW end of the recommended spectrum if I want to lose weight.

I also learned that I do have to track fruit points and not eat it for "free." If you are a Weight Watcher, fruit does not count against your daily food intake. However, it still has calories, and it USED to count in Weight Watchers. I abuse this "free fruit" concept. I will factor fruit in to my daily food intake from now on - fruit will still be consumed, but it will be tracked with a points value, not as a freebie.

Two weeks ago I used only 15 weekly points and had no fruit - that week I lost two pounds. This past week I ate fruit without tracking it (free) and used all my weekly points [calories], and I GAINED. Lesson learned, now going to put it in to practice!

16 pounds to go.

the birthday goal

According to my bathroom scale - which means without clothes - I missed it by .2 pounds! I came very close. If you go by my weight on the Weight Watchers scale, I missed it by 2 entire pounds.

HOWEVER... this means I did lose 5 pounds!

Our trip to Florida involved SEVERAL fruity drinks, quite a bit of fried food, and lots of other snacky things we don't normally eat. We barely worked out. By the time we went to the wedding, I had a canker sore from all the margaritas and was on to dirty martinis. Talk about doing some damage!

On our flight back to Colorado, we decided we'd do a detox where we had ZERO carbs for 10 days. It totally worked. I lost the vacation weight and then some. DH did it with me to be supportive, but of course he ended up losing weight. I think he leaned out (if that is even possible) but he certainly doesn't need to be losing any weight. He's back on the carbs full-tilt, as of today.

Because the detox left me feeling so good, I'm sticking to the modified version of the program for the next month. The program is called Carb Back-loading, or CBL. I know people who have had fantastic results, so I'm trying it. It really is easy for me to do and I am surprised. Basically it is hold off on breakfast as long as you can, then when you do eat during the day, make it very very low carb. Work out in the afternoon, and after your workout you can add carbs in, so long as you keep your calories in check. This is to be paired with pretty intensive weight training and is not well suited to endurance sports (running often or far, spinning, cycling, rowing, etc). The idea is to sort of regulate your insulin, spiking it after a workout to trigger muscle growth while inhibiting fat storage.

I'll let you know how it goes. I have completed 2 weeks on this, the first 10 days were no carb, the last 4 days have been carbs only after the afternoon workouts. I have had NO cravings and am not hungry, ever. It's honestly quite amazing. Apparently once you start adding the carbs back in, you will gain back some of the initial weight lost, so I suppose we will see Thursday where the scale really lands. But overall, it's great. I did go through a moderately uncomfortable couple of days in the middle of the 10-day prep (no carb) phase, but that passed and I have felt really good ever since. As my dad would say... "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

14 pounds to go. Yay, me.

on body image and utter ridiculousness

Last weekend I attended a wedding in the Florida Keys. It was really wonderful, the entire weekend was fantastic except for one little segment.

Here are 2 photos (which I really like) that were taken of me while at the wedding:

These pictures were taken JUST before I had a pretty good meltdown over how badly I believe I look these days. The meltdown could have been sparked by the effects of either the drinks I'd had or a residual jellyfish sting reaction... but some of it is, well, definitely attributed to unexplainable self-loathing.

DH's response: I don't even want to acknowledge this ridiculousness, so I'm not saying anything.

I get his reaction, I really do - NOW. That day, I did not understand his reaction - but four days and two fantastic photos later, I have no explanation or justification for the absurdity of the garbage that was coming out of my mouth. But, the garbage was coming out of my mouth and I never want that to happen again. I'm not perfect, I will never BE perfect and that's OK. (After all, only God is perfect.) But I am working on improving myself, and that is wonderful.

My little episode lasted only fifteen minutes, but it was a brutal fifteen minutes and a blemish on what was, otherwise, a spectacular vacation. I have since talked with DH about my issue with myself and this particular incident. He was great. He agreed to help me make the "U-turn" in my thought pattern if I even start going down that road. I have decided to make a conscious effort to stop any negative self-talk - in my head and especially out loud.

This is... NOT an easy thing to deal with and it is NOT a change which will not happen overnight, but I'm happy we talked about it and that I can see how ridiculous it is. My goal is to work toward being able to recognize that I'm being ridiculous and do the U-turn myself as those thoughts are happening. At least I'm aware of The Crazy, so I think that is a step in the right direction.

I feel like as I lose weight, my image of myself has become worse, and I want to stop that trend. I think this is important to acknowledge because it really is one of the tougher things to deal with on a weight loss journey. I know many others go through it, too.

I'm working on it!