I think it starts with whatever happened last time I wrote. You hit the wall. You and your broken heart fall all the way down. And you look at it. You feel it. You see you as YOU, as a person just as you see others. You have compassion, and if you can't have compassion for others you aren't going to have it for yourself, either.
The thing that has changed the most for me over time is how much compassion I have for OTHER PEOPLE and how much less I JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE. Because how I treat them, I treat myself. And how I treat myself, so I treat them. What if this is all really about just being a better person, to everyone? Like, if you can just love everyone, and let go of the stress and the ego, then maybe you can just... evolve in every possible way? Spiritually, mentally and phyiscally.
AND THERE IT IS. We are all connected. I can feel it, I know this. But I think I never put it together like that.
Since my last post, I've just carried on toward the good. I apologized again to DH, not in a fit of tears or despair like the night that all happened. But the next day, I told him, matter-of-fact, that I am surprised this is still an issue with me and that I will continue to work on it, and that I'm happy I was able to see what it was pretty immediately rather than let it go into a week-long spiral of 'why doesn't he love or support me?' and the subsequent list of reasons why I wouldn't deserve it if he did. Toxic, toxic thoughts that I was able to work through and push away in an evening, not in a week, or more. I'm proud of my progress, there.
I had a hard week at work - they're all hard weeks - but good, too. My job is difficult to manage, and I certainly don't like the level of stress that comes with it. But I didn't eat or drink too much to cope with it at all last week. However, I am also kind of tired of having a job that makes it difficult to manage my mental state. Like, I am tapped out and exhausted and thinking of only how I can do what I do BETTER. (Which, actually is a positive sign that I really do enjoy what I'm doing.) But the stress is hard, the mental toll is hard and I am left with very little energy for anything else. And that's what I'm having the most difficult time with in this weird coronavirus patch of existence. I lashed out at my sister because I let my work stress get the better of me - I just took it out on her. I apologized to her immediately and she was gracious. But this is a sign, for me, that something must change.
In any case, this week I'm down 2 pounds. I am changing my eating to move from sugar/alcohol in general. Not to cut it completely, but definitely moderate. I do work it in now, but with the virus, I just think it's probably better to make sure I am filling my body with the best possible nutrients. Some of which can certainly be found in wine, of course. But overall, just... healthier foods. I switched to following the "Purple" plan in WW. I haven't tracked there, free foods and portions have historically been a challenge for me, but I'm 2 days into this and am cautiously optimistic as I really like my food choices. It's hard not to just go for some jellybeans but I'm trying to take the long view. With everything. But this time with WW, I think I have a different approach. Like, an "I want to, and I CAN." And so, there I go. Forward.
