Today is Mother's Day. I have a great mom. I wish I were with her more. Truly. I am sorry I was not a mom myself, but I do understand that I could never have the patience to raise wonderful children. I am quite happy to be a doggy mom, and Doggy Love is pretty happy about that, too.
Yesterday I went to Bikram yoga, the first time I have been in a long time. I was HAPPY with what I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I really like my muscles, my legs, my arms and shoulders. I am still carrying extra fat, but it's OK. I like me. I am trying to be as OK with me as possible. It's hard. But it's happening, little by little, and I really was happy with the sweaty mess reflecting at me for the full 90 minutes.
I am married to an adoring man who loves me. A lot. We had a moment last week where I came home super excited about a new job posted at my company. I really think I will be perfect for it. I was going on and on about it to DH as we were cooking dinner, and he says "Well, don't get too cocky." I looked at him, said "thanks for that" and promptly took the dog for an hour walk. That walk was DIFFICULT. I spent the first half of it thinking how could he? Why would he? Did he not want me to be happy? Why was he so unsupportive? Wait, he's always been unsupportive. How had I missed that, for the last seven years? I was jealous of those who were married to a supportive spouse.
But was he right? Maybe it was me.... WAS I too cocky? I mean, I have had rejection after rejection, maybe I shouldn't bother applying and wasting my time another opportunity that wouldn't come my way, just like all the others. Was I terrible to be around when I didn't get the job?
Then I realized, this is silly and that was NOT what he was saying. I'm awesome and I'm a great fit for the job. I'm totally going to apply, and if I get it, hooray, but if not, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. DH is NOT an "I-told-you-so" type of guy, so I'll ask him what was behind the comment and forgive him. I walked back in the house and he did apologize IMMEDIATELY for saying something so stupid. Turns out, DH hates it when the sports radio guys talk up a team before a big game. He can't bear to WATCH the big game because he wants his team to win. This was the same thing. I'm his team, he wants me to win. So, now we both know this about each other. I need support, but he needs to hide. I probably have to get my support somewhere else, but he really didn't mean it like I thought he did.
The most important part for that whole thing was, I didn't turn the tides on myself. I was able to pretty much STOP the self-flogging before it got too out of hand. And DH was able to get to the root of his words pretty quickly. I know that comment had to do with him, not me, but it's still hard to fathom and I really would like more support from my spouse. Or at least no negativity like that - which I told him if it's not supportive, don't say it. But yeah what used to go on for days took less than 12 hours to resolve, so that's progress. I also articulated to DH that I was upset there was zero acknowledgement from him about our anniversary. I mean, I need something. I hate having to ask for it. He came through, though.
I didn't eat or drink my feelings, either. Go, me. I applied for the job last week, no contact will be made until after June 1. I really hope this works out. I am so bored in my current role, my boss continues to be an unsupportive jerk (to everyone, not just me) and honestly I can't believe I made it three years with him. On the other hand, I have vacation days. I have the support of some executive staff. I can just kind of punch in, punch out and not dwell on it - and do everything in my power to get that new job.
On the other hand, I feel like I did sort of eat/drink my feelings at cousins bbq last night. I mean, why can't I just function like a normal human at a bbq? I drink, I eat. I drink more, I eat more. I don't want to give up social drinking, but I don't see how I will get to goal without doing that. I need to think about this one. We're going to a concert today at a brewery. I planned for 2 beers and a 450 calorie lunch. I think step one is sticking to that plan.
I will quit these disorganized rambles, I need to get a run in before we head to the show. Next time I'll arrange my thoughts a little better, but I wanted to get them up. I really am happy I'm so close to being at goal. I have come a very long way, and I love how I look in this photo! Happy May, happy Mother's Day, happy Sunday...
