September already?

For reals. A quick update. I am nervous about weighing in tomorrow. :( But I will go. Weekend in CB was, well, overindulgent. But I wanted and needed the break, so I took it. I ate and drank what I wanted (but it wasn't too crazy). I didn't really work out other than walking the dog. And I just chilled. I needed some decompress time.

Too much work, now. I am... not OK with my current situation. I'm really not. I can't believe it happened. I can't believe I let myself slip like this. I can't believe my company is still standing by my boss. I mean, part of me is grateful they recognized this is unlike me. The other part is... angry that they seem to be doing nothing about the fact that El Jefe is fostering a hostile work environment, and has blatantly lied to them about what I am doing. I don't see how I will get through this. I can't see a path to success. I really can't. I'm drowning in work. I have a double-tongued coworker and a boss who wants me gone. Where is the success?  Yeah, my company doesn't want to get rid of me, but my boss wants me out.  So, I'd rather go on my terms, which means, time to find a new job.

In any case. I read something really great while we were in Crested Butte. Something like, even St. Peter, the first Pope of the Catholic Church, had to hear the rooster crow three times before he realized he was doing the thing he swore he would never do [deny Jesus]. I feel like Peter. I had no idea I was totally doing the thing I swore I would never do. As DH put it, if I had a better manager, we would never be in this situation. But here we are. And I'm trying to handle it but it is HARD. And I am TIRED.

So. That's that. I'm trying not to eat or drink my feelings. But that's hard. And right now there are so many hard things, I don't seem to have the resolve for THAT hard thing, too. Sad. I have no time or energy to apply for other jobs. So. I will wait. And I will figure out what I need to do. I do know this, God will carry me. He and the angels and saints didn't carry me this far to only carry me THIS FAR. I'll get through it. But this is hard.

We'll see what the official scale says tomorrow...

August is nearly over - 172.2

Mr. Blueberry Pancakes and I did an Olympic Triathlon in Steamboat Springs on August 12th. 1.2 mile swim, 25(ish) mile bike, then a 10K run. It took me three hours and 24 minutes. The run was hard - but I was surprisingly OK with it, and I even picked off someone in my age group!! I finished in 3:26:04. I need to be faster on the bike for my next one. And my run. I can work on that. And also my swim was super slow for me. Dang, I have WORK to do.

But I did feel great. I was so happy to finish. It was HARD. My dad showed up at one point while I was on the bike, when I saw the mountain. I swear he was THERE. He talked to me. And then he was gone. That doesn't happen often, but I am SO HAPPY it happened that day.

I really love doing triathlons. It has been so long since I did one! Training is time consuming. But I felt great. Or, as great as you will feel in the midst of all that. I haven't hardly worked out one iota since then. I did a run one day, did a lift. I'm just happy my weight has stayed down.

Actually, this past week I lost weight. The Stress Diet IS REAL, people. My boss and I do not have the best relationship, which is difficult, but up until last week it was manageable. Now, we have a real problem. We have been able to get through these things before, and for me I was able to frame it in "I work for my company, not my boss" to kind of distance myself from the bad parts of the situation. Which worked for the past two years. But then last week, well, I feel like my boss launched an all-out attack on me. Again, he did it before, and we got through it once but I really am not sure I have the stomach to get through this again. And I know how things go, it's pretty universal that if your manager doesn't like you, you'll be out the door one way or another. So... the stress is real. I have had nightmares about him every night since this happened, and woken up sweating. I don't know how to manage THAT.

PLUS.... we happen to be SUPER busy at work. And one coworker quit unexpectedly. And and and and and. I think it's funny, I worked like the MOST number of hours ever last week... even worked all day today... because I like to do a good job. I mean, seriously. I have this super glorious fantasy that they will walk him out the door on Monday (he's on vacation). But alas, I know that's a fantasy. My company does not kill their people, even when they should. So there's that.

In any case. I can't believe I am here in this ambush situation with my boss AGAIN. I truly wish he would just GO. GO GO GO. Until then, I have to make my peace with the situation, or get out. I think I like option B better, this time.

But yeah. Triathlon. Still below goal. Stress. You know, I do think I'd like to be a good 10 pounds lighter before my next triathlon. I'm in great shape, but carrying less weight will really help me out next time.

Lifetime Status - 173.2

Hit it today. Wanted to note it. Today is brought to you by the color red. I wore red pants to my meeting. The receptionist who weighed me was wearing red shoes. My "Yea, ME!" post background picture had red poppies in it. I bought myself an old red bicycle. I ate lunch at Boston Market, which is full of red, and paid for it with a red gift card from my mom.

And then a situation, completely unrelated to weight, had me seeing red. I acknowledged the feelings and shed a few tears. And now I'm moving on past it. Life goes on, let go or be dragged.

I really am proud of myself for making Lifetime. There is no finish line. I was so worried about how was I going to get to goal. How was I going to STAY at goal. How was I going to make lifetime. How am I going to handle holidays, and Christmas, etc. The answer is, just do what you need to do THAT DAY. And sure, have an eye for the future but don't worry about how it will work out because you know what you need to do and, more importantly...

YOU KNOW YOU WILL DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

So hooray and cheers to me. I'm doing it. Lifetime is for life. For whatever reason, it was not a struggle to get here, or stay here, once I figured out that yes, I can do it, I know what needed doing and I just went and did it. And now to keep on keepin' on.

finish lines - 175

I'm currently training for an Olympic triathlon. I'm at that point where training is taking over my life,  my house and yard are a wreck, my job is in the way and I really don't like being around anyone, especially myself. No matter what distance you race, you get to this point. Just wait until I'm in it for my first half. Yipes.

So as I ride, or run, or whatever, I picture the finish line. I have constant dialogue with myself about that finish line... 'This too shall pass, when you cross that line. Your goal is the finish line and you know where it is. Get to the goal. Pick it up and get there a little bit faster.' And repeat. It's effective, I push for the finish. And I know on race day, I'll cross that line and I will feel great. The race will be over, behind me. Until the next one....

And this is kind of like weight loss. In some ways, you get to the goal, and you cross the line, you're done. But to stay there, you have to keep training. It's like there is another race, always a race to train for. So it's super important to just keep your training up. If you want to STAY at that goal, be able to cross that "goal weight" finish line every day, you have to train and do every day.

Sometimes that includes days off. A rest day. Yesterday I ate a lot of things which weren't planned for:

• A brownie
• A cup of soda
• Two bowls of cereal
• Two tea biscuits
• A slice of bread with peanut butter and honey

It was about 750 extra calories of not healthy stuff, and I am actually ok with it. I think part of weight maintenance after weight loss is knowing you're going to have a day like this, but that's fine, just do your regular routine the next day. You know, don't paint it all black.

So, today is my next day. I am on Maintenance Week 3, and since yesterday was a bit of a food disaster I opted not to go this morning, but will go tomorrow morning to check in. This has been an incredibly stressful couple weeks, both good and bad stress. In-laws came for a visit, fun, but had to prep and then they got here and lo and behold, they have some real health issues creeping in, namely mobility has severely declined. We had no idea. We got them a hotel room and another car to use while here, so it was OK, but it was hard for DH and for me. I DEFINITELY overate while they were here, but I balanced it all with excessive biking. Is that sustainable? No, but it did work for that situation. And now I have work stress. Spouse stress. I am taking steps to try to manage how I deal with these things. It's kind of working - I schedule in time with friends, plan workouts, don't worry about the house being a complete tornado, etc. I should find a yoga class, like a good vinyasa relaxing one.... maybe next week, actually.

We can train ourselves up to cross whatever finish line we have. And it feels great to accomplish a goal. But for sustained weight loss, well... there is no finish line. Kind of like life... death is the ultimate finish line. And since we don't know where that line is, we keep going. My hope is that by keeping myself as healthy as possible, I push that finish line out and enjoy my time in the race. 

GOAL!

I made my WW goal weight yesterday, on the summer solstice, my favorite day of the year. I went to the Thursday morning meeting with Betsy and Bonnie. I am happy this happened at that meeting, and ON summer solstice!

I am happy I didn't give up. 6 months to lose the first 30 pounds, then 16 years to lose the last 10! But even though I hit goal I still can't quit. I have to live with the changes I have made if I want to stay here. I think it's a testament that I never really gained the weight back, ever - not more than 10 pounds of it, anyhow. You basically just make changes to adapt to a healthier way of eating and living, and then keep doing them to stay wherever you are. The things I do are so very, very different now than what I was doing 16 years ago. And yet, they aren't. I've always been super active, still am, just now I'm lighter and it's easier. I've always loved food, still do, just now I can moderate it better. But what I eat and how often I do things is the big difference. And it shows in how I feel and how I look.

Someone on MFP posted a great question: what did you learn most about yourself when you lost weight?" Well, I have learned:

• That it's a transformation, a process, and it takes time.
• That overcoming the mental part is far more difficult than the physical mechanics of weight loss.
• That there is no finish line, so whatever changes I make I have to be able to live with for life.
• That I really am doing the best I can, and I need to be able to give myself GRACE to allow that to keep happening.
• That the only opinion that matters is MINE (well, and my doc's, truthfully). But really, it only matters what I think of me, what I think of what I am doing, and how I define success. That is all up to me.
• That support from others is nice, but support from ME is essential. (Again, it really only matters what *I* think of me.)
• And I completely agree that

zyxst wrote: » Stores will never carry your size, no matter what you weigh.

I think that pretty much sums it up. Somewhere in that fifth bullet is the meaning of the universe. Or at least the framework for a book. But that's for another time.

You want to know how I celebrated getting to goal? By going to the pool with the triathlon club and doing the weekly swim workout.  Totally didn't want to do it, totally glad I did. Hard things are not terrible, and you feel a lot better for a lot longer than they last.

BikeMS ride is tomorrow and Sunday. Will come post a summary report afterward. Happy SUMMER!!!

175 in May (rambling)

The weight is my bathroom scale, yesterday. I'm so close to WW goal. I'm so far from the big girl I was in my twenties. Yay, me. Pic is DH and I last weekend, we did the RMTC training trip and rode bikes a million miles. It was awesome. I want this photo to be our Christmas card. Ha.

Today is Mother's Day. I have a great mom. I wish I were with her more. Truly. I am sorry I was not a mom myself, but I do understand that I could never have the patience to raise wonderful children. I am quite happy to be a doggy mom, and Doggy Love is pretty happy about that, too.

Yesterday I went to Bikram yoga, the first time I have been in a long time. I was HAPPY with what I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I really like my muscles, my legs, my arms and shoulders. I am still carrying extra fat, but it's OK. I like me. I am trying to be as OK with me as possible. It's hard. But it's happening, little by little, and I really was happy with the sweaty mess reflecting at me for the full 90 minutes.

I am married to an adoring man who loves me. A lot. We had a moment last week where I came home super excited about a new job posted at my company. I really think I will be perfect for it. I was going on and on about it to DH as we were cooking dinner, and he says "Well, don't get too cocky." I looked at him, said "thanks for that" and promptly took the dog for an hour walk. That walk was DIFFICULT. I spent the first half of it thinking how could he? Why would he? Did he not want me to be happy? Why was he so unsupportive? Wait, he's always been unsupportive.  How had I missed that, for the last seven years? I was jealous of those who were married to a supportive spouse.
But was he right? Maybe it was me.... WAS I too cocky? I mean, I have had rejection after rejection, maybe I shouldn't bother applying and wasting my time another opportunity that wouldn't come my way, just like all the others. Was I terrible to be around when I didn't get the job?

Then I realized, this is silly and that was NOT what he was saying. I'm awesome and I'm a great fit for the job. I'm totally going to apply, and if I get it, hooray, but if not, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. DH is NOT an "I-told-you-so" type of guy, so I'll ask him what was behind the comment and forgive him.  I walked back in the house and he did apologize IMMEDIATELY for saying something so stupid. Turns out, DH hates it when the sports radio guys talk up a team before a big game. He can't bear to WATCH the big game because he wants his team to win. This was the same thing. I'm his team, he wants me to win. So, now we both know this about each other. I need support, but he needs to hide. I probably have to get my support somewhere else, but he really didn't mean it like I thought he did.

The most important part for that whole thing was, I didn't turn the tides on myself. I was able to pretty much STOP the self-flogging before it got too out of hand. And DH was able to get to the root of his words pretty quickly. I know that comment had to do with him, not me, but it's still hard to fathom and I really would like more support from my spouse. Or at least no negativity like that - which I told him if it's not supportive, don't say it. But yeah what used to go on for days took less than 12 hours to resolve, so that's progress. I also articulated to DH that I was upset there was zero acknowledgement from him about our anniversary. I mean, I need something. I hate having to ask for it. He came through, though.

I didn't eat or drink my feelings, either. Go, me. I applied for the job last week, no contact will be made until after June 1. I really hope this works out. I am so bored in my current role, my boss continues to be an unsupportive jerk (to everyone, not just me) and honestly I can't believe I made it three years with him. On the other hand, I have vacation days. I have the support of some executive staff. I can just kind of punch in, punch out and not dwell on it - and do everything in my power to get that new job.

On the other hand, I feel like I did sort of eat/drink my feelings at cousins bbq last night. I mean, why can't I just function like a normal human at a bbq? I drink, I eat. I drink more, I eat more. I don't want to give up social drinking, but I don't see how I will get to goal without doing that. I need to think about this one. We're going to a concert today at a brewery. I planned for 2 beers and a 450 calorie lunch. I think step one is sticking to that plan.

I will quit these disorganized rambles, I need to get a run in before we head to the show.  Next time I'll arrange my thoughts a little better, but I wanted to get them up. I really am happy I'm so close to being at goal. I have come a very long way, and I love how I look in this photo! Happy May, happy Mother's Day, happy Sunday...

time flies - 178.4

Baby steps. Someday I'll get to goal. I'm pretty much there. I have to work on social situations (love to celebrate with food and drinks) and tough days (drinks make them easier, for a moment). I am consciously working on both these things. This has been a terrible week - Valentine's Day massacre of kids at Kyle's high school. His niece was locked in a closet for a terrifying 90 minutes. 17 dead. I can't believe I live in a country like this. Then got assigned a surprise trip by my boss, went to ask him about it and was reprimanded for being "resistant." Had to go to HR about the situation, disappointing as I thought we were past this pettiness. I know it's not personal, he is lashing out for something that has nothing to do with me, but this behavior is not OK. What to do about it? Apply for new job, as HR clearly doesn't want to do anything about it. And I don't want to get into this big scary other thing that is looming in my life. But there is a big scary other thing looming. It is terrifying. I can't do anything about it, so I'm going to do my best not to worry until someone tells me I need to worry. But there have already been tears. So many tears.

And all this to say... I really am determined to treat myself well in spite of all this. Basically, I WILL NOT EAT MY FEELINGS - or drink them. Well, it's the weekend, so I will enjoy some champagne with DH. But because I'm happy to be here on this earth, with him and my doggie love, no matter how long or short the moment. I'm blessed. Otherwise, I'm determined to just deal with the feelings, the good and the bad.

The Olympics are on. Shaun White did a spectacular job with his run, I was so happy for him. He was so overwhelmed with emotion - something I truly love to watch unfold as I feel like I get to share in their tears of joy. He even said to the lady interviewing him "Bring it in" (for a hug) at the end of his slopeside tearful interview. Then Mikaela Shiffrin won gold in the Giant Slalom. I was really hoping she would get her five gold medals, but then she missed it in the slalom yesterday - that is HER event! She didn't even medal. I felt so badly for her. It also gave me some solace that we all have bad days, and we just get up and try again tomorrow. She has three more events. I hope she nails it at every one.

Watching the Olympics gets me super motivated to work out. I've been pushing harder, adding weights, lifting like I mean it rather than just going through the motions. Erging harder, that minute on is ON, these days! No display on the monitor? Doesn't matter, there's a big clock I can watch. The meters don't matter, the effort does, and I'm putting in the effort, workout-wise. Proud of myself for it!

Like I said at the beginning, as far as food goes, I now recognize I overeat in social situations and I am actively working on that. I am making progress, but I'm not there yet. I have a LOT of social situations (so, lots of opportunities to practice, right?) so it's hard to watch myself making these mistakes so often. But I'll get there, to where it doesn't happen... I try to pat myself on the back when I see me doing well. This isn't a race, it's for life and learning new habits takes time. I am also light years better about emotional eating than I used to be. It's still there. Pizza does make me feel better, for a moment... but I have fewer of those moments, and I'm at a point where if it happens I don't beat myself up about not sticking to my food plans, so that is progress. I have found that tracking the mistake and just moving on with my plan is actually helping - and I am far better at stopping myself from wrecking my efforts by way of too much food. Like yesterday, in the midst of everything, my emotional eating was an extra slice of pizza. One slice. I did it consciously. I tracked it, I moved on to my healthy dinner and no drinks. Baby steps.

Four little pounds. They'll go, soon enough. Happy Friday in February. Hug your loved ones and love the sinners, too - not just the saints. And that includes you, too. <3

New Year's Day 2018

What a three months the end of 2017 was. Sister got married, we went to Munich, we had my big 4-0 in Aspen and it was glorious, Thanksgiving with friends in sister's new house, December adventures in Denver and a trip to FL to visit the fam (where I am now).

Miraculously, I got to goal (according to my bathroom scale) the morning we left CO for FL. Yay, me. Since then, I have proceeded to eat whatever I want, drink whatever I want and track pretty much none of it. I had a moment of panic and wanting to beat myself up about this - ironically, on the day I went to a WW meeting and the scale number was horrific - but then I realized I had a terrible cold and while I was doing kind of badly with my food choices, I was also on vacation with my family and DH's family doing the best I can. If I have to take a week off, so be it, I'll be back at it in no time. And I'm slowly making my way back there, wherever "there" is.

So... what do I want for this year? I want to stay at goal. First, I need to use January to get BACK THERE and then keep on going with it. Last year I really started to change my body comp, I want to work on that more this coming year. I think I'd like to be a solid "medium" rather than large, which means I get to where I was and then I work a little more. I've already planned out how this will go for January. Speaking of...

In sad news, I had to fire the trainer I've been working with for over a year. His life sort of derailed to the point where he was constantly cancelling on me, and while I kept up my workouts anyhow I would rather get a more reliable one-on-one trainer than try to wait for him to piece things back together. I feel sort of badly about that, but also it had to be done and I hope it was a wake-up call for him. I was actually really proud of myself for keeping my workouts up, and I'm thinking I will train myself in January and February and then see. I have a new program laid out... I'll probably start using this blog to do progress posts.

And speaking of goal, my goal changed on my 40th birthday. I realized my doc was right, if she was happy with my weight and didn't think I needed to lose, I'd take the note saying so to WW. So I did that and now 174 is my goal weight. I hadn't hit that officially with WW before leaving, but I should get it in January and hopefully be Lifetime by the end of Feb, and then I'll have an extra $40/month! So, $400, I can buy myself a new cruiser bike come summer. Or that's my plan. It will change - well, the 'what to buy' part - not the be at goal and stay there part. :)

This year I'd like to do morning workouts, then come home and post even if it's just a paragraph about what I did, thoughts, etc. I read this thing about Libras having a hard reality check year in 2016 that led to planting seeds in 2017 and early growth and sort of learning how not to snuff out or dismiss what we started. Then in 2018 we would see those seeds really start to take off, and the advice was to keep working on that garden and see what comes of it before stomping it out. This truly applies to my healthy-well-self journey, so my aim for 2018 is to just take that advice. Keep tending the garden, keep working to make it grow, and don't stomp it out before the harvest. Ha.

And with that, happy new year.